Musings of a Wife and Mommy: Jami Style

the post where I bemoan the effects of antidepressants

2012-01-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

When a doctor tells you to not stop taking a pill cold turkey, believe the doctor. Let that be the preface to the nervous ranting that's about to take place. As the few of you who actually read my blog know, I've been taking Zoloft since Natalie was about four months old. Give or take, that's six months of a drug in my system. Let it be said that I am horrible when it comes to taking pills. The only exception was when I successfully remembered to take my prenatals throughout my pregnancy. I have more often than not remembered to take my Zoloft and have had great success on it. No weepiness, no extreme terror, no feelings of impending doom. I'm not really exaggerating; these were all real things I felt when I was being tossed through the emotions of postpartum depression. It is real. It is terrifying. Well, we want to get pregnant again. While my doctor has advised me it's safe to be on Zoloft while pregnant, I feel uneasy when I see all of the law firm commercials linking antidepressants and birth defects. I just don't feel right when I watch those. I want this out of my system. And... I had been trying to wean. Initially I was going every other day taking the pill, and then I got brave and decided to skip it two days in a row and then three. This is now day four. I'm up past midnight-- shaking. And what's worse? I can't, for the life of me, find my pills. I remember having them the other night and shaking them for Natalie like a rattle. I stayed at my mom's the other night because I worked a late shift. I'm thinking they're over there, but it doesn't help me right now. I have dug through my purse and diaper bag. I have gone through the medicine cabinet, knowing it's not there. I have paced and laughed out loud like a crazy person. I'm not liking this. Anyhow, there's got to be another way... I don't think I'll spiral into another deep depression because ,surely by now, my hormone's have settled, but I wasn't expecting the dizziness, confusion, and shaking! I have never truly felt withdrawal symptoms. And to make matters worse, we were watching the movie The Unknown with Liam Neeson where he loses his memory and is fighting to figure out who he is. It's nothing but confusion and flashbacks, and it's totally distorting my reality. Funny sidenote: Brandon fell asleep during the movie and bolted upright in bed and asked me why I knew him. Freaked me out. I asked him what he was talking about and he gave me a silly grin and went right back to sleep. Anyhow, I guess I'll get my refills tomorrow and hope for the best. This is weird. I thought I could do it on my own (foolishly), but there's a bit of a dependency here. Anyhow, thanks to anyone who read this messed up retelling of my side effects!

blech blargh blah

2012-01-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

What is it with this year? Ever since having a baby, it's like my immune system is failing me... I used to be able to count on one hand how many times I was sick in a year. Never again? Since late November/early December, I have been fighting the same stuffiness and congestion battle. At just around the time I would normally recover, I get it again. The perks of having a baby? I don't know. And then today... I had a lean cuisine for a late lunch and it went downhill from there. I don't know if it was a bad meal, a stomach bug, or what... I just know that I was sick from pretty much 3:30 onward. I was really trying to get over it because there was a five year work celebration tonight complete with steak, potatoes, and a cake. How long has it been since I've had a steak? Oh, probably the night before I had Natalie... anyhow, I got sick twice before Brandon got home with Natalie ( he had taken her to his parents to watch a football game so I could do some laundry or take a nap or catch up on reading, whatever) and was really trying to get it together enough to get ready and leave. I managed to get dressed and have Natalie's clothes laid out for when they came in the door. Brandon showered and helped me to get Natalie ready and her diaper bag prepared. I got sick one more time, sat down, decided to try one more time. Got in the car, stopped to get drinks for the party, collected all the dignity I had left and got sick in the Kroger parking lot... And that point Brandon made the phone call and cancelled us going to the party. He dropped me off at home, ordered me to drink a ton of water, and went back to his parents to watch more football with the baby. I got sick twice more and finally collapsed into a dead sleep. No dreams, nothing, just sleep. I always dream. It was a weird heavy feeling.He and Natalie came back at around 8:30. She fell asleep as soon as she arrived. I had a few meatballs his mom had sent home for me from the dinner she had made, and life's normal again. Just that nagging feeling that something isn't right and I don't feel well. I hate that I missed the party, and I hate that groggy pain in my head. Cannot wait to fall back asleep and wake up feeling normal! Anyhow, how's everything going with my friends? Sorry for the TMI, but this blog will probably be documenting another pregnancy in the near future, so I'm gearing up to share all the fun details again! (ha!) And no-- I don't think today's nausea was anything to do with carrying another baby. It was more like a migraine. :/ And if it was by the slimmest chance ever the symptoms of another pregnancy, I'm in for a fun ride...

nailbiters anonymous

2012-01-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

I wanted to add a goal to my list. I want to stop biting my nails. With all the fabulous nail art going around Pinterest, I have been motivated to stop my nasty little habit. I think I've been a nail biter since the age of three or four when my mom accidentally pinched my finger when she was clipping my nails. Apparently it was traumatic, and soon it spiraled into an out of control habit that I'm not even aware of half the time. I just wanted to add that to the list. I know it sounds silly, but this has always been a battle for me. I've tried painting my nails with the nasty tasting lacquer, merely painting my nails, acrylics, etc. Somehow I always let myself down and am left with stubby little nails on tiny little nail beds. Anyhow, here's to pretty fingernails and lots of fun polish colors... we'll see. :)

Addicted to my Kindle

2012-01-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, that's right. Me. Addicted to an electronic device. Who would have thought? You practically have to pry this little pretty from my hands at night. I even made a total night owl move and may or may not have purchased a hot pink case for it on ebay an hour ago.

Anyone who knows my previous woes of not wanting a kindle because I "don't have time for one", slap me now. I made time. And I am a junky.So, what have I been reading? Well, it's laughable. A lot of you won't understand. But... here goes. I absolutely love retellings of classic literature, especially romantic pieces like Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre. I love old stories re-imagined, and I'm not talking about your modern day spinoffs, like Bridget Jones's Diary, though that's one of my faves, too. I'm talking about...Rochester-- Jane Eyre told (rather saucily) from Mr. Edward Rochester's point of view. It's a little off the mark if you're a Bronte purist (which I am and, at the same time, am not), but it's definitely an engaging read! I love that the kindle lets you sample books generously. With this book, I was able to sample five chapters. And then I was sucked in. I had to purchase it. I needed to know what happened. So, I'm about halfway through this read. I am liking it. It's gotten to the point where you could say it's a bit repetitive. There are, of course, some things that would never happen, but who am I to judge? It's entertaining and, at times, extremely well written. I love to get to know characters, and this Rochester is definitely a tormented fellow. In other words, I know this is written by a female. :) She states at the beginning of the book that she wrote it largely in response to her appreciation for the BBC miniseries of 2006, so I can just close my eyes and imagine those actors as I read this book. And then it makes me want to watch the movie again. Vicious cycle. Early winter is when I usually pull all of my bonnet pieces and period films out. There's something about cold weather that makes me want to pull up the covers and stay in bed watching costume dramas. We even had the BBC 6 hour version of Pride and Prejudice going while I was in labor with Natalie. I was trying to bide my time before the epidural, but I made Brandon turn it off thirty minutes in because I could not concentrate and NEEDED MY EPIDURAL. So, what else am I loving? I'm loving that my child is sleeping through the night. I'm actually up right now because I heard her stirring and just knew I needed to come downstairs and prepare her bottle. Well, pacifier's back in her mouth, and she's fast asleep. I cannot believe she's going to be one in March. It's just--wow, that went by extremely fast. And now it's almost time for another one. The thought scares me. Are we ready? Can we handle it? I want to stay home if we have two or more, and, financially, it's just not happening. Things are hard. Brandon's finishing up school. I contribute a little bit to our mortgage, but I'm all the insurance we have since Brandon's company is small and doesn't offer it. Could we exist on the one income? All very important questions... I'm also loving my "pre-Spring" cleaning. Later today, when I'm actually coherently moving about, I'm going to take down our Christmas tree and get all of my decorations organized and put back down in the basement. Brandon's going to install Natalie's carseat and free up some more space in our living room, and I think, much later in the day, probably during Natalie's second nap (if I get that luxury), I'm going to shampoo our rugs with my new Hoover!! I really hate carpet. Maybe next year or the year after next, it'll be replaced with something more substantial... Anyhow, let's cap this off with something I'm exceedingly thankful for.I'm thankful for the safety and security of my loved ones. I pray fervently for protection over my loved ones each day, and I am so blessed and thankful to say that we have been kept from harm. When you have a child, it literally is like seeing your heart move around outside your body. You weigh things differently. You think about things more. You break that cracker into that much of a smaller piece, you follow more closely. You drive more carefully. I pray to God for protection, guidance, and strength all of the time. And it never ceases. Natalie is the most precious thing we have, our beautiful little girl. She really is so much joy, and it pains me to think that she will one day experience sin. I told Brandon that it's probably going to break my heart the first time she tells me a little white lie. I know that's silly to think, but right now she's 100% pure! Nothing going on in there but peace, love, and baby thoughts.

Resolution Solution :)

2011-12-31T04:24:00.001-08:00

I have really enjoyed reading all of the resolution posts going around blogland. There's been a lot of things I would love to focus on in the new year and for the rest of my life, so I'll jot down my quick list and see how well it lines up with reality. 1. I want to read the bible more and spend more time in conversation with my Heavenly Father. I really have no excuse for not doing this as I work in a Christian retail store. I'm surrounded by several volumes of scripture on a daily basis. I have at least 12 bibles on my shelves at home, and I recently bought a kindle. I think there's free bibles on there as well. And well, being a mom and wife-- I need all the prayer and encouragement and strength I can get! 2. I want to read more books. I really liked my friend Trina's idea of reading 26 books by her 26th birthday. I could probably count on two fingers the books I've read this year (excluding board books to Natalie), and they both dealt with pregnancy or breast feeding! Once more, the kindle should help with this. I'm an amazon prime member, and they have the awesome lending library. I can read historical fiction to my heart's content! 3. I want to get healthy. I know I say this every single year, but I really want this to be the year for me. For us. I need to kick my diet coke habit to the curb and focs on eating real foods. I don't think I need to focus on losing weight as much as I need to focus on shifting my mindset. It wouldn't hurt, thought, because we want to try for #2 in the Spring. Losing weight would help my chances of getting pregnant again as well as contributing to a healthier pregnancy over all. 4. I want to cook more. This goes in line with being healthier. My version of "cooking" last night was stopping by Kroger and picking up a Dijourno Pizza. 5. I really want to stick to a home organization plan. There's a calendar circling around the web that's called Decluttering in 2012, and I almost salivate at the sound of it. I love doing random tasks to create order, and I can't really think of anything better to maintain my home than doing something small and orderly every single day. It's little things like "clean out your makeup drawer"- "clean out your sock drawer". They're all doable, even with a toddler running around. (Oh my gosh-- I will technically be the mother of a toddler in less than three months) 6. Craft once a month. I love to craft, but the problem lies in making time to craft. I need to get an inventory of my supplies and go to town on a project that's fun and not stressful. 7.Learn to sew or crochet. I have more and will continue later. :)

Sprained ankle madness!

2011-12-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday shaped up to be a pretty hectic day for all of us. I was not really prepared for what happened, but I had been prepared for all the things I had to get accomplished! You see, Brandon told me on Monday night that we would be having overnight guests on Wednesday night. I was in company mode. We had a family thing on Tuesday that carved about five hours out of my day, so when we got home-- I was a cleaning machine. Cleaning sheets, towels, vacuuming, getting the kitchen decluttered, etc. I had to get all of it done before Wednesday because Wednesday was full for me as well. I had Natalie's nine month well visit at 9:30. We got there five minutes late. :/ I blame it on the construction on Mt. Juliet Rd. I hate construction. That's just a sidenote. If you're curious about her well visit, she weighed 22.14 lbs and was 29.5 inches long, off the charts. She got her little toe pricked for iron levels and didn't make a peep. Her iron's low, so we had to call in an iron supplement. I'm stumped on that because there's iron in her cereal and in her formula. Nothing to be too concerned about, but I hate that I have to supplement.Anyhow, on the way back to Lebanon from the doctor, we stopped over at my mom's house because it was her birthday! I had brought her gift and just wanted her to see Natalie really quick before I took her over to her other grandmother's house for the day since I was going to be working. My mom decided to go get us lunch really quick, so I stayed a bit longer. We had our lunch and then I loaded Natalie back into the car. I realized that I had left my drink inside the house and asked if my mom would run back in and get it for me. I followed behind her so she wouldn't have to meet me all the way back at her driveway. And I guess when I was walking, I stubbed my toe. I don't remember much from there, but I fell down and bent my ankle sideways. I heard a loud pop/crack and immediately started screaming to get my mom's attention. I thought I had broken my foot because 1) the pop 2) the immediate sick, hot feeling that came over me. I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my foot at first, and then this searing pain shot up my leg. It was something like I've never felt before, and then I was just writhing on the ground screaming for my mama. It took me a while to get up. I kind of had to army crawl to the steps and then attempt to lift myself up. I couldn't put any weight on my foot, and seconds into the ordeal my foot had ballooned up to double its size, with a big lump appearing on the side of the foot I had fallen on. I could have sworn it was a bone poking through the skin, and I freaked the freak out. My mom helped me inside and I banged my foot against the door which didn't help things. I collapsed in a chair and had her call my boss as I tried to collect myself and not hyperventilate. I kind of turn into a weanie when I get hurt. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but you should have seen my foot. It was bad! In fact, I'll post a picture in just a few minutes. Gross. Painful. My mom and grandma took me to the emergency room, and then my mom dropped Natalie off at Don and Lydia's. I was admitted pretty quickly because of a family friend who worked there. She told them I was her niece. I was wheelchaired into a room, helped on to a table and x-rayed. The techs thought it was definitely broken, but it turned out to be a popped blood vessel ( the crack/pop I heard), pulled tendons (also the sound), and a bad sprain. At the time, my pain level was 7 on a scale of 1-10. I had no idea it would get to 10 before the night was over. I was sent from the hospital with a prescription for two painkillers, one of them that would help me to sleep. I thought that I still had one of them left over from when I was recovering from the c-section, so I wasn't in a hurry to fill them since I just wanted to go home and prop up my foot. They also gave me crutches and an air boot splint. By 5pm, I was searching like a mad woman for the pain pill and realized that I didn't have the high dosage of ibuprofen left. It was the stool softener!! Let's face it, that would not have helped matters! So... I called my mom to come back and get me from home so we could fill the prescription. At that point, I felt like I was being dismembered. My foot was so swollen, and the ice was only making it hurt more. I think I cried from the moment I hung up with her until she got there. It was worse than the labor pains I felt or the pain of an epidural. It was so bad. And I was still trying to get the hang of crutches and our stairs. So....needless to say, we got Natalie, got the prescription filled, and came here to my mom's house. I got out of today's shift at work thanks to my boss's sweet wife and now I'm recovering. My foot is still throbbing and not sustaining any weight, but the painkillers are good once they get into my system. And now... I leave you with this. It's a bit more bruised and nasty looking today. This was taken yesterday right after it was elevated and after x-ray. Speaking of x-ray, they asked if I was pregnant about 50 times before performing x-ray. Made me nervous.

Natalie's Christmas Haul ;)

2011-12-17T17:23:00.000-08:00

So I have had an absolute blast Christmas shopping for our Natalie. There's just something so special about this Christmas. We are so happy to have her here, and she's the age where she can be fun and still not destroy everything (the tree, Christmas presents...). :) Also, the wrapping paper will probably thrill her more this year than anything else, so there's a chance we can just re-wrap and give some of this stuff to her for her birthday! I don't believe in having a ton of toys out at once because she gets overwhelmed and not everything gets played with. So, are you curious to see what our little Miss will find under the tree this year? This is more or less for my reference because I have to jot down everything I've gotten her so I can quit spending money! Brandon's orders. Discipline, restraint, all things I need to have. 1. Meowsic Cat Piano

I found this gem almost as soon as I returned to work from maternity leave! I was waking up super early in order to make it to work on time, and some mornings I had enough time to kill half an hour in Target. I kept walking by this toy on my lunchbreak and finally bit the bullet and bought it. I thought that the microphone was one that would record her voice, but it's just for echo purposes. Anyhow, this is pretty much a casio for babies! There's an organ setting, a piano setting, a "meow" setting, samba, etc. Very cute and fun bright colors. Natalie's already played with it because I didn't have the heart to just shove it aside for months. Besides, I wanted to play with it! So far, she's enjoyed it. She likes to bite on the microphone. :) I'm planning on wrapping it and sticking it under the tree, though, because Brandon doesn't know about it! 2. Classical Stacker

At six months old, Natalie still didn't really have any educational toys, so this is my late attempt at teaching her the basics of stacking. Not too exciting, but it plays music and lights up. Babies love that stuff! 3. Dinosaur Ball Popper Thing

This was on sale at Target the day after Thanksgiving, and I thought it looked cool. I think the balls just pop up in the belly of the dinosaur and she has to retrieve them and put them back in. The balls are big enough that she won't choke on them. Looked fun, time will tell. The baby on the box looked like she was having a good time, and the reviews for this product were high on amazon. 4. Picnic Basket

Shapes and manners, colors and lights. All the bells and whistles that go into a successful baby toy!! 5. Mega Blocks-her first blocks!

She also got a couple of Veggie Tale movies, some books, a baby care giftset of lotion and bath wash, and a new hooded towel. I think she's set from us!! And last night her daddy bought her two sets of pajamas! He loves his little girl in footie sleepers. It's hilarious to see the teeny newborn sleepers and then the HUGE 18 month ones that Natalie's currently in right now. It makes me crave a newborn again. And there's no telling what Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins have in store... I get overwhelmed when I try to think of where all of this will fit, but I am so happy for her and the fact that I have a reason to have a toy of baby toys all over the house. She won't be a baby for long, and this time is precious to us. :) Maybe that will help you guys in way of gifts if you have a little one to buy for. Most of this product is designed for babies 6-36 months, so it's a large age range. :)

Operation Lose Weight to Get Pregnant Again

2011-12-13T12:42:00.000-08:00

So, we've seriously been contemplating adding another little one to our happy little nest. We want to have our babies close together so they can be friends, potty train closely, etc. We basically want to get the sleepless nights out of the way while we're still young and can handle it.

Now, that being said... I am still hovering around my discharge weight from the hospital back in March. I would like to seriously lose about 15-20 lbs before we try for the next one. I am around 175ish lbs. I would really like to be 160 before we start trying again. And I would love to not gain as much weight as I did with Natalie. I didn't know what being pregnant was supposed to feel like, so I used it as an excuse to eat a lot and be lazy and whine. Now I know that won't fly while I'm picking up our house and taking care of a little one. I don't have time to eat a lot. I eat here and there, whenever time allows, and I don't always make the wisest choices because I grab what's quick and available.

So these are my goals. I think we'd probably like to start trying again in January or February, meaning the baby would be due near late November or early-December. I would work up until the day before I had this baby, and then I'd probably just go with another c-section since I don't know what active labor feels like. It would take the guess work out of it, and I wouldn't have drugs pumped into me all the livelong day and be comatose when they brought me my child.

I may or may not breastfeed. It was so hard with Natalie because my milk was delayed and then almost nonexistant. I love the idea of it, but I don't get warm fuzzies from it or feel that I must do this to be a great mom. I think sleep and showers would make me an even better mom, and I just didn't have time for those when I was chained to the breastpump or had Natalie stuck to my boob. I would always dread a feeding because I knew I wasn't giving her enough. I even had to take her to the doctor because she was dehydrated. I am fine with Similac sensitive. Natalie has had mostly that in her system since about six weeks old, and she's a happy, healthy, thriving baby.

I am going to get on medication as soon as I start acting weird. The first time around I couldn't cope with just having a baby. I didn't know what to do, and I felt so lost. I wanted to put out the vibe that I had it all together, but I was really scared and disorganized and terrified to be alone with Natalie. I cleaned around the clock to burn off nervous energy and would get annoyed when she woke up and I was in the middle of a task. Now we're like glue. She goes where I go, and everything's so much better because of her. And zoloft has saved me from insanity.

I have to get on prenatals again, and I need to talk to my doctor about weaning myself off of the zoloft. She's fine with me being on that medication while pregnant, but all of the commercials about birth defects have me a little worried. I am going to schedule a visit to have a long talk with her.

That being said, yay. I'm so excited and glad that Brandon is on the same page.

Other than that, the other thing that I'm excited about are Natalie's first Christmas and planning her first birthday. I'm decided on doing a Minnie Mouse theme since she's obsessed with the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. My mom's going to make a Minnie pillowcase dress, Lydia's going to make a Minnie cake, and I'm going to pretty much be in charge of the table scaping and everything else. Etsy and pinterest have helped in way of inspiration, and I can't believe kids have such cool parties these days! My childhood birthdays couldn't hold a candle to what cool things that go on now!

In other news, Natalie is talking!! She can say "hot" "mama" "nana" "dadda" and "blue". Random assortment of words! She doesn't know the meaning of any of these words; they're just fun to say!

Updating a bit more... :) (and a crazy vent about crafting_

2011-12-06T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have an annoucement to make!!!! A rather big announcement!! My macbook, you know, the one that's been dead since 10-10-10, is on its way to being in working order again!! It's a big deal to me, folks. I've been relying on the charity of my parents for internet and ocasionally stealing Brandon's work computer away from him when he's home. It's really made me realize how dependent I was on my facebook connections and blogging. While my blogs were away from me, I had a lot of time to devote to learning to be a mommy... but, I really could have used some blogging action while on maternity leave when all Natalie did was sleep....

Anyhow, I am so excited. I made the mistake of thinking it was going to be a bajillion dollars to fix it, but we looked into it, and it's a free diagnostic and then only $100 to wipe clean and re-install. Wowsa.

So, what's new in our little world? Well, we (Brandon and I) are both working pretty hard. The holidays are always pretty stressful for us and we rarely have time to hang out and be married folks, but we're doing well. Natalie's on her way to being a big girl. I just made the leap and bought her a new carseat tonight-- this one, $120 brand spanking new. This is a $300 carseat. I am pretty stoked. I love Essex retail outlet. Tennessee has a rear-facing carseat recommendation until age 2, so it was a pretty big decision. Natalie was growing out of her Graco infant carrier and killing my arm as I attempted to transport her between grandmothers, so we had to bite the bullet. It was getting to the point where I couldn't put a coat on her because her carseat wouldn't fasten around her. Warmth or live-saving? Why not both? All in all, well worth it for my sanity and her safety.

Also, another big change in our world-- we moved Natalie into her room. We dismantled the crib, gained back our bedroom, and have decided to rely on the baby monitor and pray for the best. So far, so good. A little night waking here and there, but she's mostly a sound sleeper. We usually bring her back into our bed between 4am-and when we have to be up for work for snuggles or coaxing her back to sleep. She's a good cuddler, and I want that to last for as long as she's up for it!

I'm realizing as I write this how many of my friends have never met Natalie. It seems hard to believe that I haven't seen some people for almost a year. And speaking of almost a year, I have about three months to plan Natalie's first birthday party. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a Minnie Mouse theme, but I can't decide if it's going to be family only or if I want to invite our friends. Natalie doesn't really have any friends... lol... I feel bad typing that, but we're not members of a mommy group, don't have a church home where she's made nursery friends (we visit around a lot and the crowd is always different--have not seen the same kid twice!), and don't really know any of our neighbors since our neighbors don't venture outside in the winter months or when we're home! Seriously-- they all disappear inside after 5pm, and that's when we're walking in the door--past 6pm. I'm wondering if it would be rude to not invite them? I don't know the etiquette involving neighbors and birthday parties...how do my local friends feel about a first birthday party? Sorry-- I don't have mommy friends!! I feel so isolated because I work!!

Also, I have realized that a lot of mommies out there are mean and judgmental. I don't mean to be that way myself, but goodness gracious! I have overheard women just tearing each other apart over their parenting skills, and geez-- is it really worth it to just hear yourself talk? Do you really need to validate yourself? Being a mom is hard work, and it would be nice to get encouragement from other moms. I mean, 9 times out of ten, we're the ones feeling dumb, so making us feel even more dumb just isn't cool. And... for all the times I've rolled my eyes at moms not having their stuff together or having the guts to discipline their child, I'm sorry. I understand. I have never yet had to discipline Natalie, but I do not have it together. I am always leaving something out of my diaper bag, forgetting to bring formula to my mom's house, or losing shoes and socks. And... I am always...always...always running late. It doesn't matter what time I leave my subdivision. It doesn't matter if I wake up thirty minutes early or even an hour early-- it's just a fact. I'm always a minute, five minutes, or twenty minutes late. There's always something fun to bridge the gap between the time I'm supposed to leave and the time I actually do leave-- a dirty diaper, a misplaced pacifier, "OMG, did I really just lose the keys I JUST had in my hand?!?!", spit-up in my hair... wow.

Another random thought. I need modpodge. A lot of it. I just want a week of nonstop crafting binges. I always collect supplies to do stuff and then I get home and see my wreck of a house and forget about the fun things because I'm doing laundry or washing dishes or wiping up chewed up baby food from the floor. :) I guess I could let the chores build up for a day or so, but my mind doesn't work that way. I only like to craft when I feel like there's nothing else that can possibly be done to my house... so I never craft. I always clean! And then I collapse into bed and hope Natalie doesn't trigger the baby monitor.

BUT...when my house is pristine and spotless... I have pinterest and a treasure trove of crafty ideas to fall back on. It's like the neverending story of perfection. I don't understand how people do it, like, how do you have all this time and energy to endlessly create these things? How do your homes look like magazines? Tell me! I must know!! All you SAHMs, I'm so jealous I could scream. All I want to do is stay at home and learn to be domestic... and craft, and clean, and homeschool... and can things and then distribute my canned jams and apple butters as Christmas gifts... tied with burlap and a cutesy little tag cut out by my cricut! (You guys have it MADE.}

I have more to write, oh so much more, but Natalie woke up crying...off to tend to her! :)

EDIT: This post was written a couple of days ago, and I am now just getting around to posting it.

I don't think I want to craft as much as I say I do. Okay, here's the thing. I don't think I really like the idea of crafting. In fact, I absolutely hate dragging out supplies, making a mess, and making mistakes along the way. I get frustrated if things aren't perfect the first time I attempt them. That's why I have never finished anything in my life. I flutter around liking the "IDEA" of things until I attempt them. Example: Everybody and their mama has an etsy shop. I don't. I don't actually have time for one, but what the heck-- looks fun, could make a buck, how hard can it be? HARD. Pretty crazy hard if you a. don't know what to make b. aren't good at making it c. just don't have time d. have lost a glue gun (the crafter's staple). I think I just get jealous of peoples' creativity and attempt to mimic them (imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery, you know). I don't know, maybe concentrating on making a meal for my husband or reading a good book would be a good way to unwind... instead of making my blood pressure go through the roof by not being able to paint on an ornament or glue a fabric rosette to a frame.

Eh-- have you just ever had one of those days? I think I go through periods of wanting to find myself creativity and then make a mistake and whirl into a depression? You see, I find myself to be an artist at heart, and that's why this matters to me. I know it's silly. I just don't know what kind of art makes me passionate. See, I have unwritten stories in my head, cool things to make in my mind (never think about those things when I go to the craft store), and a billion different ways to re-do my house... but sometimes...it just doesn't even matter.

Anyways, just had to vent somewhere that I was annoyed and frustrated. And although it's silly, it mattered for a brief moment in time. :)

baby #2

2011-11-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

...... :)

Okay, so NO! I'm not pregnant! Not even close. I thought I might try to throw my friends for a loop, but I couldn't lie.

Anyhow, I've been dabbling with the idea of trying for another baby. I'm not satisfied with ours and want a newer model! JUST KIDDING. Oh my goodness, if you knew the extent of pure love and joy I have for Natalie, you'd be scared! I try to downplay my love in polite company, but I would move heaven and earth for her.

My grandma asked me when I would be expanding our family. Coming from the mouth of someone who carried nine babies, you would expect this. She spent most of her 20s pregnant! At first I wanted to wait a while, you know, until Natalie was walking or at least potty-trained. Well, here we are... at the "just about walking" stage. She's pulling up and standing. She's in size 4 diapers and she's my absolute world. Could I love another one as much as I love her? How?! Does your heart grow? Anyhow, just throwing it out there... being HUGE pregnant in the spring works well with me, so maybe we'll start trying again this summer?! AHH!

Happy greetings!

2011-11-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Wow, has it been a while or what? The last time I logged into blogger was September 12th, and it's now November 5th, so yeah...

Being a working mom means staying a busy mom! I promise to try to update more often when (if) things start to slow down. The Christmas season is upon us, and there's a lot to do. I'm juggling 40 hours a week with diapers, bottles, playtime, and meals. I am constantly on the go and barely have time to sit down anymore! I'm hoping my mac will get fixed in the very near future so I can indulge my hobbies of crafting, blogs, listening to Pandora while I clean (oh, those were the days!) and downloading the thousands of pictures I have of Natalie. All of you out in blogland still haven't seen her unless you visit my facebook. And since most of you who read this tiny piece of the web know me in person, you have been spammed with pictures of her since she was inside of my belly! ( I don't feel so guilty about not updating my blog now. *patting myself on the back*)

Well, our Natalie is almost eight months old and sweeter than ever. She's got such a cute personality. She is very reserved and observant, but she has her moments of extreme happiness. She's not crawling yet, and I think she'll walk before she even masters crawling. She's such a happy little girl, and it warms my heart to know she's well-adjusted and experiencing new things every day. I cannot wait to grow our family and have more children, but I adore this sweet time I get with her. She's truly such a blessing, and I could not imagine life any other way. She makes everything so much better!

I have started to like to cook. I know, I know... you're all shocked. I have become more relaxed about our messy house. Our neighbor dropped by the other day unexpectedly, and I didn't go into shock. How nice is that? Natalie, in conjunction with the Zoloft (that's going to be another post entirely, folks), has helped me to let go of SO MANY THINGS.

We are happy, busy, and ragged around the edges. Brandon is working and in school and usually doesn't roll in until 8:00pm. That's when I hand him Natalie and go into busy mode to try to tackle one or two mandatory chores. We are loving our home, and it's starting to feel less lonely and more homey. We have made it ours. Life is sweet.

I have so much more to say, but it will have to wait. Natalie and my mom are meeting me for lunch today! I could not be happier!

Five Month Update ( a bit late, I'd say...)

2011-09-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Natalie,
I blinked and you're no longer a tiny infant. Rather, you're sitting up with barely any help from me and slowly trying to become mobile. It blows my mind to watch you. It seems like each day you're learning a new skill. And that's not just my mommy pride talking. You're really that fast! You keep mommy busy! I love it.

I'm going to touch on things that I will forget if I don't go ahead and mention them here. I can't believe it's almost six months for you and I'm doing this. Blogging is clearly not my top priority anymore. You are, goose! I just want you to know these things if you ever ask when you have your own babies. I guess I thought it would be valuable. You could see how scared I was at the beginning and how crazy in love I am with you. ;)

Mealtime: You are taking your bottle every 3 hours like you have been since around 3 months old. We cannot break you from this habit, even when we give you more milk. I don't know if we stretched your tummy or what, but you demand 6 oz. every three hours except for when you're sleeping. Yesterday, (you're 6 days away from being six months old)we gave you rice cereal for the first time. You were trying to help me with the spoon. You threw little tantrums when the spoon wasn't getting to your mouth quickly enough, and somehow rice cereal was in your eyebrows by the end of mealtime! It was enough to justify a good bath! It's good to know you are not one of those babies who will refuse food. Oh, we've also been giving you frozen peaches in a fresh food feeder because you've been trying to teethe! It's the only thing that soothes you when your gums start to hurt.

Diapers: You are in a size 3. You had your first diaper rash this month. I figured out that there's a lot of acidity in peaches, and your little bottom just wasn't tolerating it. We're good now, though. It only lasted for a couple of diaper changes, and we were back to normal!

Sleeping: You sleep through the night in your crib (in our room) and take two-three small catnaps during the day.

Mobility: You are trying to crawl, but I have suspicions that you might walk before you crawl. When I play walk with you, you don't drop down to the floor like most babies I have seen. You actually don't like to sit. You like to try and stand for as long as you can.

Playtime: I had to get you a few new toys this month because you were getting bored. You outgrew your bouncy chair, so we picked you up a couple of new dollies and a peek-a-boo plane. You are still trying to learn how to make the sounds go off on the plane, but you seem intrigued when I do it. You enjoy playing peek-a-boo with me and hide your face. ;) You smile constantly. You like when Grandmommy chases you around and says she's coming to get you. You LOVE the new walker she bought you and the new bouncy station at Nanny's house. You are too adorable and so fun to observe!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

4 month update!

2011-07-26T06:23:00.001-07:00

Natalie Grace,
You turned four months old on the 18th of July! Where has the time gone? You are looking less and less like an infant and are quickly on your way to being a little girl. That's how I see it, anyways...

Well, let's see if I can recall all of your stats because you are now on your way to being almost five months old, and Mommy's a little behind!

At your four month checkup, you weighed 15.8 lbs and were 25 inches long! That means you're 2'1"! You were so bright-eyed when we walked into the office, but you grew tired of everything after you were laid down on the scale to be weighed. When we brought you back into the room, you cried (screamed) the entire time. I was so glad that Daddy was with us. Just so you know, he has been to every single one of your doctor visits. What a good Daddy to not leave his girls alone! Unfortunately, you cried throughout the entire visit, even when Dr. Lett came into the room and tried to get you to smile. I lost my hearing while trying to ask her questions and talk over you, and the pacifier was giving you no relief whatsoever. You cried harder after your vaccines and eventually cried yourself out. You were already asleep when we took you back into the car. Afterwards, though, you woke up happy and alert at Cracker Barrel and talked to us the entire time.

Bedtime: You are sleeping through the night most days of the week, but you are kind of teething, so you're waking up more that you normally would. Or you could be in the middle of a growth spurt. We have moved your crib into the room since you have outgrown your incline sleeper, but you usually sleep the last few hours of the night in our bed. You don't like to be swaddled and contained, but you sure love to be nestled close with us! Your favorite thing to do now while sleeping is pull something soft over your eyes and cheeks and drift off. Mommy's too nervous to put you in your nursery. I know it sounds silly, but I like you just where you are. You're my buddy.

Meals: Traditionally, this is the month where we would start you out on solid food, but we are waiting til the six month mark per advice of our doctor. You show an interest in what we're eating, though, and have grabbed the spoon out of my cereal a couple of times. I think you're eager to learn or just eager to put something new in your mouth. Bottles, hands, teethers, and pacifiers can probably get kind of boring. You are now drinking 6 oz of formula every three hours. We are having a hard time spacing out your feedings more than that because you get MAD if you go any longer without a bottle and 5 oz just won't cut it anymore! You watch us like a hawk if you see us with your bottle or mixing your formula. You know what's coming and you cannot contain yourself!

Playtime: You are a wiggle worm. You are now rolling on to your tummy and having the best time grabbing at all of your little stuffed animal friends. You get super excited when we bring out Minnie Mouse. ;) This month we bought you an infant seat to help you with your sitting. I don't know how well you're taking to it yet. You enjoy the outside very much and calm down instantly if you're fussy when we take you outside. Grandmommy(my mom) has a wrap-around porch, and the two of you are always outside or on the swing at her house. She made you belly laugh, but I haven't seen you do it! You've also been on the four wheeler and lawn mower with your Pa (my dad) already. Don't worry, though, it was on the slowest setting. Okay, so you loved it, but Mommy worried. At your Nannie and Grandpoppy's house, you are having fun watching the fishies in their pond. Nannie sings a silly song to you every time you go over there, and you seem to like it.

Clothing/Diapers: You are between 3-9 month old clothing, depending on the brand. You are so long that you have to wear these sizes. I am actually having to shop for you now instead of going through all of your gifted outfits. :) It's fun, but baby clothes are pricey! You're like mama, though, and get your stuff from the clearance rack or on consignment! You are a size 2 in diapers, and I've started buying those at Essex Retail outlet since it's only $20 for a box of 200 or so. In diaper-speak, that's a good deal! I hate to think how expensive diapers will be by the time you have your own babies!
Oh, this month also marks your first "POOPSPLOSION" in public. Let's just say the car was very close quarters as we tried to hurry home to bathe you. You were a stinky girl, and Mommy smelled like it, too! Yuck!
Mommy and Daddy love you more and more each day. You are such a blessing to us, and we can't believe God gave you to us. :)

Turning Point ~Prayer Request

2011-07-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am going to pull myself out of the rut here. I have been dwelling in a pit for far too long and need to show my gratitude for a couple of things every now and then instead of focusing on the negative. I tend to get a bit perfectionistic every other week or so and go on a complete self-loathing rampage that assaults my thought life and spills over into my actions. Life is just too short for that. Amen? Amen.

What was the turning point? Well, I was informed last night by my cousin ( an in-home nurse) about a little girl who is only a month older than Natalie who is not doing so well. Her mother's pregnancy was perfectly normal, nothing to be concerned about, but two hours after the baby was born, the little girl began to have violent seizures. Her home was the NICU for almost three months. She is now five months old and has returned to the hospital twice. They refer to it as malignant epilepsy. The family has had to call in hospice. Can you imagine? I asked my cousin the names of the parents, and I think I went to high school with the baby's father. If I did, he was a couple years under me so I didn't really know him. I searched his name on facebook and saw pictures of this precious child hooked up to monitors and LOST IT. I'm tearing up remembering it. My hand flew to the computer screen and I prayed over this baby for a miracle. And then I took inventory of my blessings: the job I don't always love, the husband I rarely thank who still loves me no matter what, the beautiful house that isn't always perfectly clean,the healthy, beautiful, contented baby of ours, cars that run, health insurance, loving friends and family. All of this stuff-- it gets lost in the mix of "if only we had this..." and "if I have to ask you to change the cat litter one more time..." and "WHY AM I SUCH A FATTY MCBUTTERPANTS?"

Really, Jami? Those things I can change.

Some family just had to call in hospice. And I know we can't always be perfect in our practice of gratitude or even fathom what God has done for us, but would it kill us to try and remember once in a while?

Please pray for this family, too, by the way. I know they are seriously hurting. Pray for a miracle. Pray that the seizures would go away. Parents should not have to bury their babies. This little girl belongs in Heaven because she IS an angel, but I pray that her parents can enjoy her for a lifetime. Please pray that they know Jesus. Please give the mother peace. I know the father needs it, too. Deeply. Desperately. A mother's love is different, though. Not more, but different. Nine months of cherishing a baby inside of you. A love that keeps you up all through the night. Please pray. I think their last name is Underwood, but I am unsure.

Thank you.

life life life

2011-07-09T10:36:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, I am so glad that I don't actively promote my blog. I know that my blog is public if anyone ever accidentally stumbles on it, but I would hate to think that people tune in here on their reader or remote device just for giggles. Other than my updates on Natalie, this place can be downright depressing! I had aspirations of one day being a crafty mom-blogger, but that phase of life will just have to wait. Besides, I find that there are way too many of those!! It's hard to keep up, and then it's a popularity contest or competition, and I'm just not into that.
Anyhow, what's new our way? Well, we've had quite the week here. On Monday, Brandon and I celebrated five years of wedded bliss (woo!). We didn't really have any plans in mind, so we set about driving into Hendersonville to see if we could find anything to do. There were some shops, but nothing really caught our interest. We went into Barnes and Noble, dreamed about having the money to buy a lot of books, and then drove over to a place called Tilted Kilt for a casual anniversary dinner. When we walked through the door, the hostess was wearing a mini-skirt (plaid) and a baby's shirt. Brandon promptly stammered that Tilted Kilt was not the place for us and we awkwardly excused ourselves. We drove around Hendersonville for a little bit more, going down random roads and checking out the lakefront properties and all the awesome mansions. We had heart attacks at the listing prices and morosely drove back into Lebanon, wondering what in the world there was to do on our anniversary, a national holiday, besides crashing backyard barbeques. We finally settled on getting back on the interstate and driving into Mt. Juliet, unaware of the big fireworks show that was to be put on. When Providence was too busy for both our tastes, we settled on China Buffet. Needless to say, that adequately fits where we are in our lives. The anniversary tradition has gone downhill! We decided to celebrate our anniversary the weekend after next year. :)

On Tuesday/Wednesday Natalie came down with her first cold. I freaked out. I stayed up all night with her and sucked boogers out of her nose; I ran the hot shower in our bathroom and sat on the toilet giving her a bottle and hoping the steam would alleviate her. I squirted saline up her nose and waited for it to do its magic, and at 5:00am, I made a call to my boss telling him that I wouldn't be in until later. I called the pediatrician's office and was told that everything I was doing was right and that I shouldn't probably bring her in unless she had a fever. I dropped her off at my mom's, went to work, got up and went to work the next day and had gotten the same crud she came down with, only more severe!

I went into work both days, but ended up leaving early. I finally got some good medicine yesterday that helped me to sleep off the effects. My mom and mom-in-law were gracious enough to keep Natalie fed, changed, and loved on until I was myself again. It felt like an eternity, and I was sanitizing everything. I didn't want to touch Natalie, so I just looked at her from across the room and missed her. Oh, I also threw up on myself and my car...lovely. :( I now drive the Vomit-mobile. It's cleaned up now and not so bad as it could have been! Thank goodness I was not on the interstate; I would have caused a wreck.

So, now...I think we're back in business!! I still don't feel well, but I am at least well enough to function again. And Natalie is good, stuffy, but good. :)

And the work is never done; I have pee-infested couch cushions on our deck that need a good cleaning in baking soda. Kids, pets...argh... life. But it was good to breathe for a few hours, even if it was a Nyquil-induced coma that saved me from going under!!

.....one of those days, moods, whatever.

2011-07-05T10:51:00.000-07:00

New mother neurosis... that's what I have. I figure I'd do a quick update on here just for the sake of updating and filling in the last ten or so minutes of my lunch break. I've been feeling a bit down lately; at first, I called it the "baby blues", but now I'm moving on to something more serious, perhaps a little postpartum depression. It's no fun. Hormones are swinging high and low, and some days I feel like crying no matter what I'm doing! I could be having a GREAT day, but the tears will catch up to me sooner or later. It could very well be my birth control pills, though, so I have officially weaned myself off of them and am going to consult with my doctor to find a new method next week. I don't feel like throwing myself into a wall anymore, but I'm still a bit down and not quite where I would like to be. I've been taking fish oil capsules and need to try working out more. And by more, I mean I need to actually do it.

Natalie is doing well, though. She's being shared between her two grandmothers during the week while I and Brandon are away at work. It's bearable, but there are days where I just miss the crud out of her and want to check in on her every five seconds. She has learned how to roll over, giggle ( got the phone call for that one today), and now she's having a little bit of a runny nose. The runny nose scares me because I am terrified of her getting sick and not knowing what to do, but it's gotta happen sooner or later.

Anyhow, we're alive. Blogging is definitely not my top priority these days, so I just wanted to throw my two cents out into the blogosphere. :) Please pray for me if you're the praying sort.

beautification of the home: yay!

2011-06-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

A belated Happy Father's Day to Brandon! He's not in town because he's been in a wedding in Florida this past weekend.

Anyhow, Natalie and I have been staying at my parents' house. Again. What's new? We've been here quite a bit since she was born. It makes it easier, especially since I'm not comfortable staying alone at our house with her at night. I know that our neighborhood's safe and secure, but it makes me feel better to know that someone's right down the hall just in case of an emergency. I'm probably just being neurotic.

Anyhow, with Brandon out of town, I have been pondering on ways to beautify our space and make it more practical for our family. We have a formal dining room that has so far been used as a crowded, messy "library" aka verysmallspacewithtwochairsadeskandthreebookshelvesshovedin. It is very crowded and is pretty much a cat hair paradise. Oh, I forgot. We also have a highchair in there. It's still in its box and one of the cats sleeps on it. Just not feeling it.

I know I am new to the mom game and probably shouldn't be spending my time dreaming up ideas, but this is actually within our budget and something that would bring more organization and SPACE to our home. We are going to get my dad to help us construct some diy built-in bookshelves!! :) There will be one four foot bookshelve on each side of our old desk, which will be re-painted to match the shelves. We will have a little area over the desk to hang a bulletin or dry-erase board so we can keep track of our respective schedules. Brandon will have a work space that won't be on our kitchen table, island, or the coffee table. This will eliminate so much frustration. I cannot stand for piles of junk to build up. I'm always decluttering and moving stuff around, and it's always back the next day or a few days later. Constant battle.

Anyhow, I was just excited and had to share.

First step for us will be clearing out the room and boxing up all of our books. We probably should have left them boxed up from the move in November. With the pregnancy, I couldn't really work on making this house a home. Now I can, and I'm so excited. I am so ready for making our home "ours" a little bit at a time. I cannot wait to have a beautiful view when I walk in our front door instead of looking into the dining room and feeling embarrassed at the clutter!

Three Months Old!!

2011-06-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

Natalie,
I cannot believe you are already three months old! These have been the best three months of Mommy's life! You are growing so much and are getting more beautiful with each passing day. No longer a newborn, you are fast on your way to being a big girl. This month your eyes are starting to pop and your lashes are growing so long and dark. You smile more and more and wake up so happy each morning; it makes the transition of me having to go back to work so much easier. Each morning you wake up with a stretch and a smile and coo until you really need your bottle. I had been depending on you to be my alarm clock since you used to have your middle of the night bottle at 2am and another one at 5am, but you have changed your schedule a bit and are going longer and longer without your bottle, five and six hour stretches throughout the night. The other morning I woke up when Daddy's alarm went off around 6:30, and you were down in your sleeper watching the morning news with a big smile on your face. You had not even made a peep!

Stats: You were 12.9 lbs and 24 inches long at your appointment last week! Woohoo! That's already 2 ft. tall! ;) The doctor said you would probably reach my height of 5'6" in maturity or even be 5'7".

Bedtime: We have been putting you to bed around 10:00pm each night. Because Daddy gets home around 8:00pm, we like to have you awake and happy for him. You are fed and bathed and in your PJs (no longer sleepers, but onesies and socks because of the summer) usually by the time he gets home. Some nights I let him feed you because he wants to cuddle. You are always glad to see him when he comes in and really kick your feet when he talks to you. :)

Bathtime: You are starting to enjoy your baths! I am so happy because I would always feel horrible when I saw the uncomfortable look come across your face! Because you are getting messier with age, I like that you enjoy the many baths you are starting to need! You are a spitty girl and are drooling like crazy. If we don't put a bib on you, you are wearing a big drool puddle around your neck!

Feedings:
You have always been an every three hours kind of girl. I get the feeling that you like consistency there. Sometimes we go for four hour stretches, but that's pretty rare. You will rouse out of a deep sleep during the day for your bottle and you are MAD until you get it. It's really the only time you cry unless you get a bellyache from not being about to burp, which, by the way, it's getting harder to burp you. You fuss when the bottle is pulled away from you and aren't content until you have a pacifier in your little mouth to soothe you!

Playtime:
You are now able to hold your head up very well. You have always been good at this, but this month you are GREAT! You enjoy your activity mats and love your bouncy chairs. You aren't so keen on the swing anymore because you get bored. You enjoy tummy time and like to bite on your boppy and suck on your hands when you're in this position. You are starting to roll. It's so funny to lay you on your back because you cock your head in the direction you want to turn and shriek at whatever you see over there. You like talking to the pillows on our bed and have so much to say to them. I wonder what you're thinking! You have a preference for the Minnie Mouse toy that Holli got you. Holli walks our dog Brutus and has brought you sweet gifts from the Disney Store. :) Sometimes Grandma Vicky puts you infront of the tv and lets you watch Handy Manny with all the bright colors on Disney Jr. You go crazy and "talk" to all the kids on that show.

Clothing:
You are in the last of your 0-3 months attire. There are some onesies that still snap between your legs, but they look tight on the shoulders. You are most comfortable in 3-6 month clothes and 6 month clothes from Carters and Target's Circo brand. Today you are actually wearing a 6-9 month onesie that Grandma Vicky bought from a consignment sale. I'm bummed to say that it fits you just fine! I want to tell you to stop growing and stay a baby forever, but I know I can't. :)

Carseat:
You are still in your infant carseat and will probably remain rear-facing for a long time. I have been reading articles and find that it's safer that way for you. I have stopped carrying your carrier into stores because it is so heavy. I think our car seat must be the heaviest one out there. It's heavy even when you're not in it! I will know to go smaller if you have a baby brother or sister one day!

wanting to decorate...

2011-06-13T11:34:00.001-07:00

Life is a constant DIY project, at least it is around my house. . . since having a baby, I haven't had the time or energy to salivate over Pottery Barn catalogs or decorating blogs. I'm not sad about it really, but I feel like a small part of me is missing.

Most of my maternity leave, I restricted myself to our upstairs. You see, we bought a new home in November, and it's just not looking the way I want it to yet. The downstairs is a dark, depressing builder beige. I have made what I have work for most of the downstairs, but now I want to put my signature on this house. What I'm using now is what we used in our rental, and we really didn't have the liberty to change things there.

I'm thinking yellow. I'm also thinking we may have to hire painters. Between the both of us, Brandon and I are sloppy painters. I don't have the patience for it, and Brandon drips his paint on baseboards. I want color, but I want color within reason and within our teeny budget.

I don't think I have to tell anyone that babies are expensive creatures. I can put these dreams on hold for a bit longer, but I had to get it out that I miss my little projects.

Oh, other than that. I'm back to work. And it's okay. I didn't die. I thought I would die from not seeing my sweet girl, but I can survive an 8 hour stretch without her. ;)

Missing her already...

2011-05-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

I have such a heavy heart right now. In two weeks, I will be back at work and my routine will be changing. I will be waking up around 5:00 in the morning to be at work by 8:00 and will be getting both myself and my little one ready for the day at either one of her grandmothers' houses. I will probably be rushed and frazzled until I get it nailed down, and I will probably cry the first couple of days until it becomes the "norm".

I'm going to have to let go of what I've called the "norm" for almost three months.

I don't know if Natalie will ever read her mom's blog or if blogs will even be around by the time she can read. Who knows? But I would like for Natalie to know that being her mother has been the greatest honor and privilege I've ever had. Even in this short, small amount of time-- I have grown to love in a way that I did not imagine myself capable. My heart breaks at the idea of leaving her, but I know I'm too stir crazy to do this permanently and that I will be providing for her by going back. She will be in the care of her grandparents who love her very much, and it'll get easier over time.

Tonight, though, I just want to cry because I've had her all to myself for these two months and two weeks. I've seen almost every giggle, smile, and cry. I've given her almost every one of her feedings. etc. I wish I could wear her to work!

Anyhow, I just had to jot it down...blah, blah...got to make some more bottles.

2 month update

2011-05-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

Natalie,
Hey sweetie! You turned two months old on May the 18th. I don't remember what we did that day, but it was probably raining! Due to some problems with insurance, we haven't had your two month appointment or shots yet (you're probably happy about that), so I don't really know how much you weigh or how long you are. I would assume you are around 12 lbs and probably 24 inches. You are wearing size 0-3 months in onesies and shirts, but you have to wear size 3-6 months in sleepers and pants because you are SO LONG! You're a size one in diapers, but we have a box of size one-two, and you'll be in those pretty soon!

You are almost sleeping through the night now, though you sometimes revert back to your newborn self and wake up every 2-3 hours. I try not to be grumpy, but sometimes I'm comatose!

For the past month, you've been taking a really active interest in your surroundings. You smile and laugh, and you look for your mommy and daddy when you hear our voices in the room. You smile more and more, and I can usually get a giggle out of you when changing your diapers, which, by the way, are STINKY.

You are a growing girl, and you eat about 4-5 oz of formula every 3-4 hours. If you're in a deep sleep, you can sometimes go for 7-8 hours without a bottle. That's mostly during the night. You only go for about five hours when you're cat-napping. Which, speaking of, you don't really cat nap too much during the day. You're too busy checking out the cats, talking to your bouncy chair, or wanting your mommy!

We changed you to Similac Sensitive formula on May 11th because you were getting a lot of belly pains with the advanced kind. You took to this very well and have been spitting up less and less! No more mylicon drops and sleepless nights (well, for the most part).

You don't really enjoy bath time. You get about three real baths a week and two wipe-downs every day, sometimes more if you're especially spit-uppy. We have to get all of the formula from out of your chins. :)

You are such a joy, and I hate that I have to go back to work in a less than three weeks. I have had such a blast with my Natalie! You are precious, but I know you are going to have fun and be so loved by your grandparents throughout the work day. The work day will hopefully go faster because I'm working towards the goal of coming home to you!

I love you, Natalie!

Weight Watchers

2011-05-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am starting Weight Watchers (again). I want to have the energy to be the best mama to my baby girl, so I need to do something to get back down to the slimmer version of myself from about five years ago. I would also like to look better, but my biggest priority is sticking around and being healthy for Natalie. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, and cancer run on both sides of my family, so...yeah. Not that weight loss contributes to a lesser risk of cancer, but cancer is primarily fought by eating lots of fruits and veggies. That's something I've always needed to work on.

Anyhow, here are my stats. I'm not too embarrassed because I did grow a life inside of me for nine months. I do hope to weigh less the next time I get pregnant, though, because it's more painful the heavier you get! Wish I had thought that one through the first time. You live, you learn.

Highest Pregnancy Weight: 207 (I lie. I weighed more the first few days postpartum because all of the fluid that was pumped into me. This was the highest weight caused by pregnancy-related things, though.)
Current: 180
Goal: 150ish or less, depending on how I feel.
YAY!

PSYCHO MOMMY RANT

2011-05-09T18:27:00.000-07:00

This is my 150th post. Too bad it has to be a sad one. Okay, I am so not ready to return to work. I know I'm one of the lucky ones that got twelve weeks of maternity leave, but it's not enough time for me. I am begging and pleading with God that he let me stay home with my baby girl. Maybe I have royal blood or something. Maybe I'll find a lottery ticket. Maybe there will be a mistake and we've paid too much on insurance and get a check back from the hospital. I cannot do this.

It's not a guilt thing. It's a desire-of-my-heart kind of thing. She's my first child, and I don't want to miss a moment with her (other than stepping into the next room to write this journal entry). I'm JEALOUS for her. ( I had never understood that part of scripture, God being jealous for us, until I saw Natalie's face.) I actually get BITTER every time she's referred to as someone else's Natalie or is carried out of my arms and into another room. Am I psychotic? I don't want to share her. I get protective, close down, and then I'm no fun!

And I think people, especially Brandon, are starting to feel it. I'm trying to compile a list of preferences that I have for her for her two Grandmas that will be watching her, but I keep hitting walls. I will write something, repeat it a couple of times, and think that it sounds offensive. I am not really in the business of wanting to hurt feelings, but I have my standards.

I can't help but be jealous of the grandmas. I know that's so silly. I feel like eight hours is going to be such a long time away from me that she'll forget me. Will I even make her smile anymore, or will she have to warm up to me after me being away all day? And I WILL DIE if she says "Grandma" first. (I'm convinced that one of them is conspiring for that to be her first word.)

I have a little over a month left, and I am so worried that it'll slip by too quickly. Natalie, stay a baby forever. I love and miss you so much already! Your cry has changed, and it HURTS MY HEART.

SOMEONE COME CRY WITH ME. I'M PSYCHOTIC.

5x7 Folded Card

2011-05-02T09:04:00.001-07:00

Just Peachy Mother's Day 5x7 folded card

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Photo Card

2011-05-01T07:36:00.001-07:00

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For Natalie: One Month Old

2011-04-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

Well, Natalie, I got a little premature with my timing and thought you were a month old on Friday, but then I realized that only made you four weeks old. You're NOW one month old, and I cannot believe this month has flown by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I was still waiting to go on maternity leave. I only have eight weeks at home with you, and that makes me sad. I wish I could stay home with you forever! You are so sweet, and I'm afraid I'm going to miss so much once I return to work.

You are approximately 22.5 inches long now and are about 9.5 lbs. This is the weight we thought you were going to be if you came at or after your due date. You are definitely not sleeping through the night. We wake up at least three times in the middle of the night, usually only twice for a bottle. You're showing a little bit of personality now and I have to "nestle down" with you to get you into a deep sleep. Your deep sleep usually lasts as long as you're in my arms, and then you're indignant as soon as your little body hits the pack-and-play surface. This results in one sleepy mama whose arms are always falling asleep. I've fallen into the bad habit of letting you sleep on my chest for a few hours each night. While this isn't a problem now, I hear it might be a problem when you won't sleep for your caregivers without being held. We took the newborn napper off of your pack-and-play with hopes that you would prefer sleeping flat on your back and swaddled. You are slowly outgrowing your swaddle me wraps and get really mad if you can't have your hands. You like to suck on your middle finger (haha) and thumb. I let you sleep with a pacifier because it's going to be much easier to rid you of that than of your fingers! So far, you've not given me a genuine smile. You have fleeting sleep grins and gas grins. Just around the time I get really excited to see a smile on your face, I smell your diaper. ;) I'm hearing true smiles come around 5 weeks, so I am really looking forward to that. I cannot wait to be silly with you and to hear your sweet baby giggle. You get really cheeky around 2:00 in the morning. I can't really explain it, but it's like you turn into a little ham. You bob your head around and play "keep away". You also purse your lips and pant. It almost sounds like you're lamaze-style breathing. I know you're not in distress, so it's funny. You also grunt like a little piglet. The sounds you make in the middle of the night take some getting used to. Sometimes you have happy little squeals, and then there are other times you sound like a little monster. It's cute. I will probably never be in a deep sleep again!

You accidentally cooed for me the other day. When I tried to encourage you to do it again, you started to cry. Too much stimulation! Maybe another time. You like your play mat and your bouncy chair, but you have not shown too much interest in the toys yet. I always have to start you off before you notice them. In the mornings, we have a bit of play time after your first feeding and diaper change. So far, I've read a couple of books to you, sang to you " Good morning to you" (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"), and tried to play with your toys. You are in love with the ceiling fan.

You are wearing 0-3 month size clothing now. You were in newborn attire for only a week, and then you had a growth spurt. You are really tall like your daddy and are in the 95th percentile for height. I didn't catch what percentile your weight was, but you are the ectomorph body type with long piano fingers and long toes. I hear that means you'll have a great metabolism! Good for you! Mama's jealous!

I tried breast feeding you, but my milk had problems coming in due to all the medication I was given when I was induced. We rented a hospital grade pump and you had about an ounce of my milk a day for the first two weeks. I wasn't able to keep up with your demands! We finally just transitioned you completely over to formula. You don't seem to have a problem with it. You're eating about 3-4 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours. We are thankful to have Similac coupons! You are not a great burper. Daddy and I take turns burping you because you sometimes take upwards of ten minutes to give us a good one. Sometimes the good ones turn into explosions.

You are a GREAT cuddlebug, though. We love to cuddle with you! Most of all, we love you!! :)

Separated...or is it seperated? I never know these things...

2011-04-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

I have an announcement to make, one I'm not particularly happy with...

My baby's growing up, y'all. She lost her umbilical cord stump at midnight. No more having to fold her diapers over, no more ritualistic cleanings with cotton balls and alcohol. I had gotten so used to the routine. Pull her diaper off. Happy baby. May or may not projectile pee while I'm struggling to put another diaper under her squirmy legs. Wipe her clean, yada yada... fold diaper band over, secure velcro. Reach for the bag of cotton balls and alcohol. Put it to her belly button area. Screams of outrage at how cold it is... more soothing, maybe a pacifier, on goes the onesie, happy baby again. LOL.

No longer! We've put the "stump" in a ziploc bag, just a little bit of proof of how she was once connected to me, how I grew this beautiful child inside of me. Me-- just another bumbling idiot, I nurtured a BABY! And while I always gagged and freaked out looking at the "stump", I kinda miss the extra seconds I spent changing her. It's been two weeks, and even her cry has changed. She's getting bigger. She's got, like, three chins. (Adorable on her, not so much on mama.) She's got this thigh chub that's deliciously squeezable, and she's starting to smile. I don't think it's ALL gassy grins anymore. I think it's the real deal! She's gonna have personality galore. It's so fun to witness.

I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. MY. BABY!!!!! I really don't want to go to back to work. I'm hoping Brandon can find a job with great pay and benefits, so the benefits are not dependent on me... I'm hoping and praying for a miracle because when I look at her face, I cannot bear to leave her. I don't mind working part-time, but full-time seems like torture. I'm already compiling a list of rules for her caregivers. They're mostly about when she sleeps because I'm neurotic about sids. Back to sleep, and I want her sleeping area to be in the same room that they're in. I don't really care if it inconveniences anyone. If you want to keep her, you have to play by mama's rules. I kind of don't want to compromise on those things. She's my child. I'm the one who carried her for nine months. I do think I have a say. Anyhow, whew... I get all nervous and bothered about these things. I guess I'm just concerned that my preferred methods won't be adhered to. Going back to work already boggles my mind; I want things to be easy. I don't want to have to worry, you know?

a-z about meeeeee

2011-04-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

I promise that mommyhood doesn't translate to me sitting on the computer all day. My little girl is fast asleep, and I'm bored. I don't have any chores taking me away from this, and sometimes blog-therapy is much better than a nap. Besides, I need to get used to not lounging around all day...so, this is a fun thingie I ripped from Katie's blog!

A. Age: 26 on Wednesday-- WHAT? Come again? This year went by way too quickly. 26 sounds so close to thirty. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up!

B. Bed size: Queen. That translates to "way too small". Hopefully, by the next time I'm pregnant, we will have graduated up to a king. Brandon likes to drape himself across the entire bed, and I'm not much better!

C. Chore you dislike: Probably cleaning the shower or bathtub. Until I found the magic eraser, I kind of depended on our shower curtain to hide all of that junk. Don't get me wrong. I "disinfected" things, but I was never one to go all out ninja on the soap scum!

D. Dogs: Brutus, a collie/St. Bernard mix. aka real pain in the tookus!

E. Essential start to your day: The wailing of a newborn? Does that count?

F. Favorite color: Pink, peach, green?

G. Gold or silver: Silver and white gold. Yellow gold freaks me out.

H. Height: 5′ 6"

I. Instruments you play(ed): I had voice lessons for six years and wanted to be a singer, but I cannot read music that well, so an actual instrument is out of the question for me.

J. Job title: Mommy, wife, visual merchandiser/manager.

K. Kids: Natalie Grace, two weeks today!

L. Live for ______: CHOCOLATE. Just kidding. God ( I guess that's the default that people put for #1, though I SUCK at making Him number one.), Brandon, Natalie

M. Most embarrassing moment: I've had several. Thankfully, I'm not too embarrassed by things anymore. I think the one that takes the cake is the time I had a crush on a high school senior when I was a h.s. freshman and made him this huge "I'll Miss You!" poster and then hand delivered it to him on his graduation day and gave him a big kiss on the cheek and pretty much terrorized him while my mom was snapping pictures in the background. I wasn't embarrassed until I saw the pictures later and saw the look of extreme terror on his face, and then I just felt pathetic. It was mostly shame, not embarrassment. We're facebook friends now, but he's probably still terrified by that memory! LOL!

N. Nicknames: Bab (what Brandon calls me--don't ask)

O. Overnight hospital stays: Only time I've been overnight was when I was a preemie newborn and then when I had Natalie.

P. Pet peeves: When Brandon sits next to me and eats something like cereal or something he has to gulp. So loud. I usually say "shhh" and act like a real jerk until he goes in the next room. Oh, also...when someone's trying to have a conversation with you while you're on the phone. My mom is notorious for starting conversations as soon as I get on the phone or start talking to someone. Like, two weeks or so ago, I ran into an old friend from high school in a store, and my mom kept coming up to me and trying to talk. She didn't get the hint from the "just one second" finger.

Q. Quote from a movie: I don't really have a favorite quote...

S. Siblings: sister, Heather, thirty.

T. Time you wake up: Whatever time the infant screams.

U. University attended: I went to two different schools and am doing nothing with what I studied! Then again, I couldn't even make up my mind while I was there. I admire people who have goals and stick with them. Mine change all the time, and I am never certain what I want to be when I grow up.

V. Vegetables: Cucumbers and tomatoes are great.

W. What makes you run late: My disorganization. I've got to get better with a baby. I'll probably have to start waking up at 4am to be at work at 8am when I'm done with my maternity leave.

X. X-rays you’ve had: 3 or 4? All of this from a girl who's never broken a bone...

Y. Yummy food you make: I make some good spinach artichoke dip. Other than that, I'm not too much of a queen in the kitchen.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: I like the elephants.

mini-update from mommyville

2011-03-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

So, I have been staying at my parents' house for a few days, and lemme tell you-- it feels pretty great to have some sleep! I don't think I'm ever going to take sleeping for granted again! I'm going to cherish and cling to the few hours I can get here and there.

Natalie is such a super sweet baby. I can't get enough of her. She's amazing, especially when she's alert! She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror last night when I was giving her a sponge bath, and it was the cutest thing. It's like she suddenly became self-aware and couldn't figure out who that little person was. I know she probably couldn't see herself because her vision is still likely blurred, but it was cute. Of course, I took pictures. Of course, my cell phone's on its last leg so I haven't uploaded them yet... :/

Anyhow, speaking of pictures. If you WANT to see Natalie's entire newborn photo session, the photographer has uploaded everything to her site. heathergravissphotography.com. Go to enter site and then to proofing. The password is Natalie. Remember to capitalize the first letter of her name. Prepare to be amazed by baby girl sweetness!

Anyhow, have a good one!

top 5 for week one!

2011-03-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

There's only so much you can do when you have a sleeping newborn beside you who is due for her feeding at any moment. I choose to dwell on facebook, update my blog, and compulsively watch Lifetime. Lifetime has been surprising me lately. There's actually been some good movies on there, Lifetime Original films aside. Tonight, for instance, Bridget Jones was on. Love that movie. I know I had my hiatus from tv for years and am slowly reintroducing cable back into my daily routine (bad) , but I always had a bad taste in my mouth due to my mom forcing me to watch 15 and Pregnant twenty times during my formative years...

Anyhow, I figured I'd do a post on the things that helped me get through Natalie's first week. I'm not going to name the obvious-- diapers, wipes, feeding supplies, etc...

Rather, I'll list the things that I really had NO IDEA about prior to using them.

1. The pack-n-play

We aren't going to put Natalie into her nursery for a few months, so this thing has been a lifesaver. It's mobile, so I can wheel it around our bedroom for a change of scenery. Believe me, I rarely leave our bedroom these days, and this is needed. It has a changing pad and a newborn napper that keeps her snug and warm and that she doesn't mind sleeping in, though I am the mom who is going to spoil her child by rocking her in a rocking chair too much. She gets the hiccups a lot, and I can't bear to have her on her back struggling through hiccups, so she falls asleep on my chest a lot. And I wake up with a sore neck. A lot. Anyhow... love the pack-n-play. It's sooo functional and will only continue to be so.

2. The boppy!

This has been my salvation through trying to nurse. Natalie actually tolerates being on this thing as opposed to the crappy hospital pillows. Trust me, bring your own pillows to the hospital. I only brought one from home, and I regret it. It would have been so much easier to attempt nursing her there with a sturdier pillow.

3. Soundspa machine
I like to simulate the womb for Natalie so I put on the heartbeat sound setting and go about my business aka trying to take a shower before she makes a peep.

4. Receiving blankets

The swaddled child is the quieter child. :) I call them her baby Jesus clothes.

5. Car seat

Although Natalie's only been on two car trips, we have her car seat propped up on the kitchen island as a place for her to sit while I'm washing dishes or cleaning up downstairs. She sleeps really well in there, and I only assembled one of her bouncy seats today, so it's been good to have.

Anyhow, I was going to post pictures, but...someone's a wailing...

baby blues and all that jazz...

2011-03-27T17:31:00.001-07:00

Well, I made it through the first week, and I'm still alive. Our little Natalie is precious. I love her so much and I am so thankful for my bright, happy girl who only cries when she's hungry or needs a diaper changed. I realize that's every thirty minutes or so, but, hey, a newborn has her demands.

Along with that, though, comes the fear and the tears. I was hoping that I would not experience the "baby blues" or, worse yet, some degree of postpartum depression, but I can't help but feel like I'm sinking into a rut every now and then. I think it's because I'm confined to our bedroom and to our pack-n-play. (That thing is magic, lemme tell you!) I'm still recovering from the c-section; that brings its own set of woes. I just don't feel like myself. For one, my appetite's not really back. While that could be a good thing, it just bums me out because my lack of energy with the sleepless nights is one thing. Add me not really taking care of myself, and that's another. When my mom's not over helping me out, it's hours before I get a meal. I'm not complaining. I really wanted to try this on my own. Anyhow, let's just say that I poured myself a bowl of cereal a couple of days ago and after a feeding, dirty diaper, wet diaper, sponge bath later-- I had a bowl of soggy cheerios on the nightstand and a screaming newborn-- time for another feeding! And then I didn't want the cheerios.

I really feel good when Brandon's here. It always means that a shower is guaranteed. And while he can't really help out in the feeding department when I'm trying to nurse, he's at least there to hold the baby so I can empty my bladder. ( It's not that I'm incapable of leaving her alone for a minute to use the bathroom; it's just that the sensation to go always comes right in the middle of trying to feed her.)

And that's another thing-- feeding her. I'm at a crossroads. I thought I was going to be a trooper and nurse her. I really want to. It's week in, though, and I'm ready to pull my hair out. With the c-section, my milk's been delayed. I hear it can delay also if you've become very swollen after surgery or an induction. That's me. My feet are still the size of major landmarks, and it's been over a week. Just don't get induced. That's my advice for now. Have that baby on the day God intended you to or just plan a c-section. Yikes. I haven't called any lactation consultants because I'm halfway embarrassed to. I let my poor daughter get dehydrated for a day because no one told me to supplement. And then I found out-- lactation consultants won't TELL you to supplement with formula because they don't think you need to. Basically, they think baby needs to be chained to your breast all day to up your supply. While that's nice and all,it's not very realistic if you ask me and only leads to major frustration and feelings of inadequacy. I haven't really tried pumping because I have only a manual hand pump that I was going to use when I went back to work, so I have to call tomorrow and see if I can rent an electric one. I still haven't given up, but I really want to. I'd feel a bit better. I'm taking some herbs to up the supply--fenugreek and blessed thistle... anyhow, enough about my boobs. I just REALLY wanted to do this for her. The benefits of breastfeeding...wow, when you read about it -- I don't know... just sound a bit better than formula. Not to diss formula, though, because it definitely has its merits when you're in a pinch and have a screaming child in your arms with a stomach the size of a continent and your child looks at you like you're stupid when you shove her against your chest. Seriously. My child cannot eat enough. It's like, hello grocery bill...wow, I'm tired.

And the sleepless nights... wow, they're miserable. I don't mind them because it's worth it when you look down into her sweet "let's play!" face at 2:00 and 3:00 and 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning, but it's beginning to catch up with the both of us, and poor Brandon still has to wake up and go to work in the mornings. I feel bad that he has to change a couple of diapers throughout the night, but I am so thankful for him! He is such a wonderful daddy, and he can calm her down in ways that I cannot. We call it "daddy magic". I'm fine with that. No hurt feelings here. :) Whatever stops the crying...

And,lastly, changed relationships. My mom and I, well, our relationship has only gotten better because I'm depending on her for help and advice and for sitting with the baby while I take a shower. At first I didn't know if I wanted her here, but she has been invaluable. She's helped me with laundry, cleaned my kitchen, mixed formula, vacuumed-- all sorts of things. I've loved having her around. I think she just needed to feel needed. My relationship with my in-laws, though, has been a bit strained? They've had family in this week and have been a bit tied up, but I think there's a little bit of feeling left out. In any event, it's too much for me to process along with the exhaustion, the newness, baby blues, and feeding troubles. I don't mean to hurt feelings AT ALL, but I just have to navigate through the basics of baby care and what it means to be a parent. Seriously, I think it will all be better once I figure out these feedings and kick the baby blues to the curb. Right now, though, like Natalie-- I just want my mama!

At any given moment, I will feel the tears coming on. It could be in the middle of a very happy moment. Any time. Without warning. It happens mostly when Natalie's screaming her head off because she's hungry, but it also happens when I'm holding her and smelling the top of her sweet newborn head. This feeling comes over me and shuts me down. I just cry. I cry because I don't know what I'm doing. I cry because I don't want to hurt her. I cry when I burp her because she's so small and pitiful-looking when I splay her little belly across my hand. I cry at how beautiful she is, and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. I marvel at what God's given me, and I don't want to mess it up. I cry because there's a mountain of paperwork with insurance terminology that I don't understand. I cry when I watch those dateline specials about young girls being abused and mistreated because those girls are some mama's BABIES! I could go on for hours, and I'm getting the keyboard wet just typing this out... so, haha..

The first night that I was in the hospital alone was so hard. Brandon had to work on Monday, the day that I was to be discharged from the hospital, so he went home to sleep on Sunday night. My mom and grandma visited me around 7:00 and stayed until 8:20. I just didn't want to be alone. And then the nurses came in to give me my painkillers periodically, and I sat there alone... without my husband, without my new baby... I just felt so alone. I was watching that "Coming Home" show on Lifetime and crying my eyes out. And then I called the nursery to see if someone would bring in Natalie so I could just see her.. and yeah, then I started crying again because she's so beautiful, precious, wonderful, etc...

Anyhow, wasn't that a good bunch of hormones splashed across your computer screen?

Happier stuff to come, I promise...

Like... we just got Natalie's newborn pictures taken today! I cannot wait to see them!! :)

my sweet girl is dehydrated!!

2011-03-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Breastfeeding is difficult. We probably have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning because Natalie is starting to show signs of dehydration. I had visits from lactation consultants and nursery nurses while at the hospital and really thought Natalie was making excellent progress, but she has had a very minimal amount of wet and dirty diapers since she's been home. She's also pretty much given up on staying awake long enough for a feeding. I made the mistake of assuming she was full and was just a "good baby". Little did I know I was not giving her enough! So, I've been supplementing her feedings with formula for the past few times since my milk has not come in and she's showing little to no interest in the colostrum. After calling her pediatrician and speaking to the nurse and consulting Dr. Google, I have come to the conclusion that she's dehydrated. She was supposed to have 4-6 wet diapers a day by now, and so far she's only had one wet diaper and two dirty diapers. Very frustrating. And her stool is still the tarry black poop of a newborn. It should have been making the transition to mustardy yellow today...

My poor baby! Please pray for her. I don't know what to do beyond try to get her to feed every 2 hours and go to the doctor tomorrow morning. She's been so sluggish; I just hope she's not growing weak. I love her so much. As soon as I found out she could be dehydrated, I started bawling. I didn't know. And no one told me. The nurses told me that the colostrum would provide everything she needed and that she would definitely perk up and show much more interest once my actual milk came in. It could be an after effect of the medications I was given for epidural and c-section. I kind of thought she would "let me know" when she was hungry. This is all the trials of being a new mother, but I absolutely HATE the thought that I could have unintentionally harmed her in any way. My sweet baby...

Anyhow... more to come. Newborns are tough, but she is sooooooo worth it.

birth story:aka I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies.

2011-03-20T01:12:00.000-07:00

I think it's safe to say that I was changed forever on Friday.

Anyhow, I wanted to post my birth story before I forgot any of the gory details. ;)

Brandon and I arrived at the hospital on Friday at roughly 5am. I say roughly because we were really running a few minutes behind after making sure the animals were taken care of for a couple of days in our absence. I had already preregistered for admission after one of my regular OBGYN visits, so admitting did not take too long. We arrived at labor and delivery around 5:20 and were shortly admitted to our room where I was immediately told to change into the hospital gown that I've been living in for the past two days. My vitals were checked and two nurses came in the room to administer the iv that would connect me to the pitocin that would work to induce me. ( I had talked to my doctor and settled on induction after some fatigue had set in and we realized that some of Brandon's family would be making a trip from New Jersey before Natalie's actual due date. Unhappy with the idea that Brandon's family might make it in and out of town without seeing her, I came to the conclusion that elective induction seemed like a good idea. Besides, Natalie was full term and my pregnancy had been extremely healthy and normal. My doctor happily agreed.)

Well, we kind of had issues from the start. The ideal place for my IV was my right hand, but after poking, prodding, and having no success (unless you consider a throbbing, bleeding, swollen hand a success) with getting my veins to perk up and take the needle, we had to transition over to the left hand, which made the connection to the IV extremely awkward since the tower was always to the right side of my bed. I ran the risk of disconnecting it every time I turned, so I was on edge and limited in movement. One nurse moved it to the left side of the bed, but when shifts changed, that did, too.

The pitocin worked in actually launching me into contractions, but the fun didn't truly begin until the doctor came into the room and broke my water at 8:00. Ladies, let me tell you this. You will KNOW when your water has broken. I've always been told that it feels like you're peeing on yourself. I walked around the last few days of my pregnancy convinced that it was happening. Well, it feels so much worse than peeing on yourself, not that I'm a pro there, but you know. It's like a continuous supply of warm soup running down your leg until you deliver your child. In short, it was disgusting, and I can go a while without experiencing that again.

At around 9:30 am, I started to wimp out and asked for my epidural. I never wanted to go about this naturally. Too many horror stories mixed in with the good for me! I had intended to go just a bit longer to find out what my pain threshold was. I was dilated to 4 at the time. The anesthetician came into the room and read me all the risks of epidurals as I nodded my head off and agreed to have one no matter what. READ THIS CAREFULLY. Epidurals hurt. It's not that I'm opposed to the relief an epidural can bring about. . . I hear they work wonders for some people. Anyhow, I was having contractions in the middle of my epidural, so I think any longlasting relief was counteracted. I felt great for a couple of hours, but then the epidural started thinning out and I experienced "hot spots", places in one's body that are pretty much immune to the almighty healing power of the epidural. Freaked out, I requested that I have another dosage. The nurse agreed and even agreed to let me have another one closer to active labor so that I would not be in so much pain while pushing.

Well, the day dragged on until 9:30pm with my contractions not really getting any better, progress-wise. They were stronger, and they hurt (especially with the life of the second epidural wearing out, but cervical changes were extremely slow. The nurse was waiting for the doctor to arrive to see what we should do. The idea of c-section was tossed around because I was only dilated to 6. (Epidurals slow down labor.)The doctor did not want to slow down my labor anymore by recommending another dosage of epidural, so she took me aside and assured me that the best option would now be a c-section. I was too exhausted to think too much about it. I had been in some sort of labor for 12 or so hours at that point, so the idea of meeting Natalie outweighed any wish for "just pushing through". I found out later that Natalie was just too big for me to have the old fashioned way. That, and she had her little hand in front of her face, which was helping to "plug the passage". She was also giving herself a bit of a cone head which we really didn't want.

So, the anestheoleogist (who was probably tired of seeing me at this point) was called into the room to get my medication started for the c-section. It was a stronger epidural and some sort of pepcid. As soon as that medicine was pumped into me, an overwhelming fatigue came over my body. I could barely lift my head or talk. My eyes began to grow very heavy. I think I kept drifting into little cat naps while they worked to get me prepped. I remember laying on my back and hearing all the medical jargon and seeing them hand Brandon his crazy looking c-section scrubs. He was talking about saving it for a Halloween costume with the anestheologist. I remember wanting to smack the both of them because I was being pinched and continuously asked if I felt any sort of pain. They were asking me questions that I couldn't answer with anything but a small whisper because the epidural was going so far up that it was paralyzing my throat.(C-section pain medication is supposed to work from the length of your thighs to just beneath your chest.)

When it was evident that I couldn't feel anything, they flipped me from my hospital bed on to the operating table and wheeled me down the hall into the OR. I remember having my eyes closed the entire time so that I would not feel dizzy on the trip. All of the lights were so bright that I could not keep my eyes open if I tried. When I got into the OR room, every one was in high spirits and the radio was blaring pop and country songs. I remember thinking it was so weird that I was having major surgery and the nurses and doctor were talking about their favorite songs and artists.

Everything took place like I had seen it before on "Baby Story"-- the big blue curtain was brought up between my face and the rest of my body, Brandon was positioned in a chair off to the side of me (NOT SQUEAMISH AT ALL-WAS THIS MY HUSBAND OR AN IMPOSTER?!), and people were talking to me through the curtain and updating me on the status of our baby. I didn't really feel a lot of pressure as the surgery was taking place, but they were prepping me with each step, and at one point someone laid across my stomach and did a mighty shove to free Natalie. She started crying while she was still inside of me. I heard cheers and exclamations about her head full of black hair. I struggled to keep my eyes open and squinted when she was rushed past me to the examination table. Brandon was beaming the entire time. He left my side to go take pictures, and that's when the fun really started. I remember trying to call across the room to him about something, wanting to know how big she was or something like that.

When I opened my mouth, I had absolutely NO saliva. I could not swallow. This is what I meant by "fun". I remember growing really panicked because no one had warned me about that. I had chronic dry mouth and felt like I was choking. When Brandon came to my side with the baby, I struggled to tell him that I could not swallow. I think he didn't get it the first time, so I kept trying to repeat myself. He, of course, was in heaven. When he finally saw my ghostly pallor, I felt like I had died on the table. I think I had started to cry, but I really don't remember. I think the anesthetician came around and started patting my head and telling me it was normal and that I was doing so good. I kept asking if I could have some oxygen or something. I kept asking if it REALLY was normal or if I was allergic to my medication. The solution was a cup of ice. She stuck a piece of ice in my mouth, and I started to cough and strangle. It was so miserable. I seriously felt like I was dying and that no one would notice because the concern was closing my incision.

By this time, Brandon had already left the room and had followed the nurses into the nursery to clean up our sweet girl. I remember the blue sheet coming down and being almost completely nude on the operating table, something that surprised me. I also thought that one of my nurses was a girl that used to go to high school with me that was a grade before me. She wasn't. I remember feeling really embarrassed, as if my modesty had somehow resurfaced after the baby was out of me. I was rolled back on to the hospital bed and was actually able to assist them, which they thought was hysterical. Apparently, most people can't even move, and I was scooting around wherever they needed me to. All the while, I still couldn't swallow. I was just trying to quicken up the process so they could start pumping me with the hydration iv. I overheard things like "large loss of blood", " dehydrated", "keep an eye on her", "longer stay". "will need to be checked every hour". I remember being wheeled back by the waiting room where our parents were and mouthing to them that I could not swallow. I had wanted to smile and was kind of trying to apologize that I could not.

When we were actually back in our room, the iv was started on me immediately as well as a pain medication that would dull the afer effects of the c-section and the epidural. I remember apologizing profusely and people looking at me like I was insane. I have since heard that I was the sweetest, most ideal patient (not tooting my own horn, but I had fears of being kind of mean). I don't know if I was having a panic attack or what, but I was so relieved when I was actually able to swallow my ice that I started to cry. I'm sure it had a lot to do with a sudden shift in hormones, too. About fifteen minutes later, they brought in Natalie for a quick tutorial on breastfeeding. ( I had wanted to attempt nursing in that first hour.) The nurse actually undid my gown and shoved her up to me, skin-to-skin.It was the most amazing thing ever, but I felt unable to do anything, much less hold my baby. I remember trying to find the words to tell the nurse that I couldn't do this. I felt like my eyes were rolling into the back of my head with all of the medication and like I still needed oxygen. She assured me that I was not being a "bad mama" after my many bumbling apologies and that I seriously needed some rest, took the baby, and left the room.

Brandon came into the room shortly after they had given me oxygen and checked on me. I went into my hyper-meltdown mode at that point. I could not BEAR the fact that I was feeling so ill that I could not even hold our daughter. I felt guilty. That was when he confirmed the fact that I had lost so much blood and had been in labor for so long before the c-section that my body had gone into shock. All of the lights were turned out for an hour, and I napped, waking up every time I really drifted off and gasping for breath. Even though I had the oxygen, I was having flashbacks to labor in little dreams. Every time I closed my mouth, I had fears that it would not open again.

An hour later, Natalie was brought back in for a second try. It was so much better. It has GOTTEN progressively better, but I guess you can say it was a pretty traumatic experience. I had gone into this with absolutely no fears about labor and delivery, aside from things that I didn't think could really happen to me (like the epidural hotspots)). I had an amazing doctor, one that I love and trust, but it didn't really prepare me for this. I feel blessed to have gone through so many experiences in one day, but I think I will go straight for a c-section next time and HOPE that the medication doesn't go all the way up to my throat.

Oh, I was also unprepared for the pain of a c-section. It is major surgery. I think I always forgot about that since there's a sweet baby involved, and, duh, you have to get her out. But-- yeah, major surgery, including all of the discomforts that are usually involved with major surgery. The first day after (yesterday) , I was extremely swollen and could barely move. My feet, face, hands, THIGHS (WHO KNEW THEY COULD SWELL!?) were double the size that they were the day before. It really hampered all that I wanted to do with my baby, and a shower, of course, was out of the question until I could move on my own without being hooked up to an iv and catheter. It made receiving visitors a little awkward because I was still in my hospital gown and confined to my bed. It also made the nursing process pretty hard because that alone can be pretty discouraging if you don't really know what you're doing. Luckily, I have a great latcher, and the only handicap is me being able to get in a comfortable position right now. A big cut across your stomach can really slow down things for you when you're attempting to sit indian style and feed your baby. :)

Natalie is a beautiful baby. I know people always think that about their kids, but I usually think newborns are a bit... well, you know--shriveled and alien -like. I was expecting to feel the same thing about my own. I just about die every time I look at her, though. She's got this perfect little nose and the prettiest mouth... and this dimple... in her chin. And ah--I'm in love with her. She is so good, too. Already coos and smiles (gas)-- just the SWEETEST thing. Amazing. We really did a good job. God is good. 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21.5 inches of sweetness. :)

So, now... a shower and preparing myself for visitors. :)

2011-03-18T05:31:00.000-07:00

Brandon here. I'll be trying to update as the day goes on in lieu of my nearly water-broken wife.

We got to the hospital around 5am this morning, got into our room and got going. Had some trouble getting Jami's IV hooked up (AKA there was blood EVERYWHERE), but finally got it going in her other hand. At a little after 7 they started the Pitocin, which I'm somewhat suspicious is actually moonshine. Either way, Dr. Jabusch will be breaking her water around 8, and then we'll see how it goes from there.

I'll keep you updated as best I can.

Brandon

Stretchmarks... so freeing...

2011-03-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to be able to whip this picture our when Natalie's old enough to scrunch up her nose and say, "Mooooooom, what are those ugly things on your belly?!"

I sometimes forget that I'm pregnant, and then I do something like bend over or change my clothes. And then I'm suddenly reminded. I can't breathe when I bend over. And my stomach has claw marks all over it.

Anyhow, please disregard if you're grossed out. There's something about pregnancy that's pretty freeing. I don't think I would normally show you my belly pre-pregnancy because I would be ashamed of all the dents, rolls, and ripples...

But, just as long as the pregnancy belly is smoothing all of those unsightly imperfections out... see me in my stretch-marked glory! LOL.

2011-03-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

So, I am so ready to be a mom. I'm scared out of my mind, but I think I can do this. I have been watching "One Born Every Minute" every night this week after work to, erm, prepare myself for the adventure of labor and delivery. To tell you that I'm not the least bit nervous would be a lie, but I like to think that I will remain calm and collected through the process.

Tonight my mom came over and helped me with the finishing touches to Natalie's room. I'm still not wanting to take pictures yet because I want the room to be more functional. There are so many things you don't know where to put until you're actively using them. Blah, blah, blah. . . *insert more talk about nesting*

On a completely different note, I have been so burdened by Japan. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw some of the first reports on the news. Disasters happen so often these days. Lives change in the blink of the eye, and it seriously makes you think. On the verge of having my own little family, I mourn for all those families who were and are continuing to be torn apart by this. Our God is amazing and sovereign, but when you see the devastation, your heart just hurts. I cannot imagine what the pain is like and I hope I never have to.

And on yet another note, I have come to the conclusion that pregnancy nose has officially taken over. I'm smelling stuff in this house that no one else can smell. I would swear to you that there's a bucket of rotten fruit under our kitchen sink or a dead rodent. I would promise you that our garbage disposal's jammed and something putrid is manifesting into something toxic inside our sink. All of this-- and yet, no one else smells it. Brandon looks at me like I'm a crazy person when I walk into the kitchen and wrinkle my nose. My father-in-law has unplugged and disassembled the garbage disposal to look for something he cannot smell. Nothing's inside clogging it up! All clear! My mom, who has the sniffer of all sniffers, has gotten down on her hands and knees and sharply inhaled only to find nothing and have no idea what I'm referring to. I've ran my garbage disposal through a cleaning process twice and STILL think something's dead inside of it. I have no idea. No one knows. I am probably going to be committed soon.

Anyhow, I'll try to check back and update before Miss Natalie makes her arrival. :)

Please pray for Japan. Such precious lives-- I know they're scared out of their minds, but I hope there's some measure of comfort there.

quickie update

2011-03-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

If all goes as planned, I'll probably be in labor this time next week. :) Holy crap, that's scary...

pediatrician win!

2011-03-07T10:27:00.001-08:00

Yay! I have a consultation with Natalie's pediatrician on Wednesday!! I am so excited to be making a small dent in the list. And the pediatrician will be making rounds at Summit after she's born to make sure she's okay! I, despite all worries, did not neglect this one important thing! I am coming in only a few days before I have the baby, but it's still going to be done! (Unless I go into labor any second now... which I'm not predicting, but who knows?)

Now. moving on to another important area...
I'm debating on whether or not I want to try out Chick-fil-a's new banana pudding milkshake. It sounds kinda gross, but I also love banana pudding, so I don't know. I would get a small one...it's not like I could gain any MORE weight right now...

I am so ready to go on a diet, but in this last full week of pregnancy, can I just say that I haven't really reached the point of not being able to take it anymore? I was getting kind of uncomfortable for a week when it came to ingesting food, but I guess the baby's dropped and that's why I can suddenly breathe and go about gorging myself again. Don't get me wrong. It's still uncomfortable. Sleeping is still pretty difficult, but my belly is not really massive. It's just long. This baby is tall like her Daddy!

I know this is a lot of updating, but please bear with me and the fact that we only have one functioning computer between the both of us. I have yet to take the macbook to be serviced, so I am getting all of my "must blog" cravings out of the way before I'm totally gaga over our newest family member.

Soon, soon, soon...

2011-03-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd give you guys a bit of an update since I arrived to work earlier than I should have and don't really want to start working until I'm PAID to be working, so haha...

Well, first things first, we're going to be meeting our baby girl on March 18th. That's right. I'm getting induced. I am fine with my decision and don't want to be talked out of it. I know there are some people out there that are hardcore against inductions, but since Natalie is full term and I'm already making quite a bit of progress in the dilation and effacement realm, I was really relieved when my doctor gave me the go ahead to think about it. Besides, Brandon has some family traveling down from NJ that had planned their trip a couple of days before she was due, and I hated the thought of his elderly grandmother never being able to see her first great-grandchild. She's the kind that's really reluctant to vacate her house due to major anxiety, so we had to take this opportunity while we had it. (She still doesn't know she's coming down. It's going to be a surprise. . . kind of like being taken hostage by your own family, thrown into a car, and made to sit through a fourteen hour car ride. Haha. Sad, but very true!)

I had my very first hormonal MELTDOWN yesterday. It went to the tune of Brandon rearranging our living room furniture. I wasn't able to take it. I was going to have a panic attack if that chair was in that corner for ONE MORE SECOND. It was kind of embarrassing, and it seriously came out of nowhere. And I'm hoping it's just my anxiety seeping out and not postpartum depression creeping in. . . I felt like I had lost control and like I didn't know myself at all. Weird. Hopefully fleeting! Though, I have heard that you shouldn't change anything while a mom is in her nesting mode... Brandon doesn't think that "nesting" is a real thing, so he rolled his eyes and didn't like that excuse too much. The word impunity was used quite a bit. Sorry?

I am making the mistake of scrolling through all of my favorite home decor blogs in this week before I meet my child. I am stumbling upon ideas that I will have to file away until time and money magically appear. All I can think about is that our home is not exactly the way I would want it for when Natalie does make her arrival. I know that won't mean a thing when I finally get to hold our beautiful little girl in my arms, but...I just want it to be perfect.

Like, in my ideal world, our master bathroom would be painted, spotless, and with matchy-matchy towels instead of the ones we've had for five years that are sporting bleach spots and mascara blotches...I'd have kitchy little knickknacks instead of an endless supply of lotions spilling across our counter. One can dream. And that dream doesn't hold a candle to the endless to do list that should be somewhat accomplished before we bring home a baby...
1. Find a pediatrician.
2. Clean out both cars.
3. Install car seat.
4. Assemble pack-n-play.
5. CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN, ETC...

I promise I'm not dissatisfied. I love our beautiful home. I just cannot wait to beautify it and make it more intentional and practical for the family we're going to raise there. . .

happy birthday, my sweet... and some rambles!

2011-03-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my sweet, wonderful, one-of-a-kind, totally amazing husband!! It seems like a lifetime ago that he came into my life, but I can't imagine life without him. The measure of joy and comfort that he's brought me is like nothing else that I know, and I am so happy and content in our marriage. We have our ups and downs like every married couple, but I can honestly say that I love him today more than I ever have, and the love only keeps growing. He's going to be an awesome father, and I can't wait to see our little girl melt his heart into one big sloppy puddle of daddy-love. I cannot wait to grow our little family and make this new house a home!

side note: I hope she looks like him! I don't have any baby pictures of Brandon floating around the internet, but you have to believe me when I say he was purely adorable. Curls, chub, drool. :)

I really wanted to do something cool for his birthday this year, but we have a lot of money going out right now and not as much coming in as we'd like. Between the mortgage, bills, Brandon's school, and baby expenses, money's a little tight. I'm also not going to be paid for about four weeks of my maternity leave, so... yeah. I cancelled my long-abandoned YMCA membership last week and enrolled for the corporate discount at Verizon, so that saves us a few pennies. I've also committed to making meals at home. I have to say that one's hard right now. Being huge and pregnant, I'm not really excited to prepare food, but it is what it is. :) I have to start thinking about meals to make ahead and freeze. Daunting thought.

I think we're going to buy him a painting when we have some disposable income, but we're both kind of over celebrating our birthdays when we have a little one coming so soon! I'm probably going to forget my birthday due to being so distracted! I'll have the best birthday present of all coming at the end of March, though. (Maybe sooner. I can only hope.)

There are some things, though, that I would LIKE to have after the baby comes and before I return to the land of the living. It's funny to think that these things might be considered "luxuries" now, but it doesn't feel like so much of a sacrifice in exchange for a baby. These aren't mandatory, but I would like them just the same!

1. An eyebrow wax. LOL. Regular eyebrow waxes. At $8-10 a pop, I usually don't get them done anymore. It's been, sadly, about five months... and I sometimes resemble Bert and Ernie, but I would like to make some room for getting them done routinely again.

2. Salon hair cut. I traded out trips to the salon when Brandon and I got married for trips to Fantastic Sams and Great Clips. It's hard to imagine that I ever spent close to $100 on getting my hair done every six weeks or so. I don't want a real cut because Brandon wants me to grow my hair out, but I would like some idea of a style. Something to make me feel better, more human. I don't have to be a bombshell, but I would like to feel human!

3. New clothes. I am so sick of maternity clothes that it's unreal. I walked around Old Navy for about twenty minutes today looking at all of the cute Spring-y outfits. I so wanted to take my pregnant belly and chuck it across the room. Spring and summer clothes are so adorable and bright. I cannot wait to get back into regular sizes again! I don't even care if I'm shopping off of the deep clearance rack. I would just like some regularity!!

4. A sewing macine. Haha. I just want to craft like nobody's business.

Well, I am going to go upstairs for my nightly soak in the tub. It's the only way I can get through the painful early labor contractions that I've been having. I cannot help but hope the contractions mean something! Let's pray for some progress at tomorrow's doctor appointment! I would be on cloud nine if my doctor told me that I was dilated to 4 or 5 and that we'd get the show on the road in a couple of days! I know that's not the norm for first time moms, but I cannot wait to have some energy.

Contraction Dissatisfaction...

2011-02-27T15:06:00.000-08:00

So, I am having contractions 20-30 minutes apart, and they huuuuuurt. I have been trying to get some things done around the house today, catching up on laundry and minor surface cleaning for just in case.

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I'm in slow, latent labor and will probably have a little bit to show for it at my next doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Or... it could just be false labor or regular discomfort. Anyhow, it's not fun!

I have been drinking water like crazy to stay hydrated so that they will go away if they're not the real thing, but so far-- I'm staying steady at 20-30 minute intervals.

My doctor told me not to call or come to the hospital unless my contractions were 5 minutes apart and growing in intensity, so I'm in a pickle. I'm hurting enough to try and drive to the hospital, but I don't want to waste a trip to L&D only to be told to go home and man up.

Besides, I'm not even 100% what a real contraction would feel like. Not to be all gross and TMI-like with you guys, but I feel the way I felt when I was miscarrying, this low awful intense pressure that hurt my back and hips. ANYHOW, I guess I'll update if I have any more progress to share. The good thing is that I will be full-term on Wednesday... :)

I am going to start cooking. There, I said it.

2011-02-22T10:32:00.001-08:00

I'm having to hold myself back from the sudden burst of activity that I feel is going to overwhelm me. I think the nesting bug hath bit! Instead of cleaning, though, I want to buy out the craft store and create things. I want to spray paint every random piece of junk taking up space in my basement; I suddenly want to spring out the cash for a sewing machine and go to town. Realistically, though, I can't be thinking about all of these things when I'm a month away from my due date. While it would be nice to start a new hobby, I feel sad when I think of it going to waste once baby makes an appearance. So, as much as I hate the thought of it, I think I'm going to try cooking as a hobby (again).

I'm not much of a cook. In fact, I hate it. I love to eat and I love the smell of food and the idea of keeping a pantry stocked and fresh fruits and veggies on hand, but I am the worst about keeping myself interested or on a schedule or even remotely organized about the food I prepare. I stress myself out when I make a mess in the kitchen, so ingredients sit dormant while I stop cooking for a week or two at a time... and yeah, I'm pathetic. I waste so much money at the grocery store. I'm a little too ambitious when I go shopping. My potatoes bloom in my pantry. I want to get better!

Let me clarify, though. I am not a bad cook. When I set my mind to making something, it usually turns out well. If not well, edible. It's not that I burn everything I touch or undercook meat or completely ruin things. It's just that I don't stay on top of it. My problem is probably treating cooking like a hobby instead of a necessity. I get bored with my many hobbies. I transfer them to the backburner and forget about them for months. Brandon asked me the other day about the cricut machine that I was just dying to have last year. It's a year old, and I've used it all of two times. Embarrassing. I hate to say that I'm hanging on to it for when I get bit by the bug again, but the sad thing is, I probably won't...and it'll go down in value and be in a yard sale in ten years. And there will be so many updated, wonderful models of the cricut by that point that I will maybe get a dollar for it. Or,the entire thing will be completely obsolete and just an expensive trend of the past.

So, last night, after Brandon underbaked the baked sweet potatoes and I slyly moved the food around my plate in an attempt to pretend it was delish, he asked if I would start cooking again. . . and I felt sorry for him/wanted to make him the best dinner ever. He was raised by a woman who loves to cook and approaches her meals like fine art, and then he married me, the girl who is way more than content to sit back and let her microwave amd Stouffers do the work. If I were single, I swear I'd live on Lean Cuisines and sandwiches. (I'm married, and half the time-- I do live on those things. He pretends not to mind, but I know he does.)

So, I googled recipes for an hour-- all in the name of love. And I went to Pioneer Woman's fabulous site and scrolled through her food blog. I suddenly felt empowered and ready to go grocery shopping. I decided then and there that my man would not starve. I love him more than I hate cooking.

So, I am going to attempt to dabble in the art of cooking again and meal freezing. It'll be up in the air once Natalie makes an appearance, but I will try for this precious time between now and then.

Tomorrow's dinner will go to the tune of chicken and dumplings...I'm a little bit scared, but we shall see. . . and hopefully he won't gag!

35 weeks, 5 to go!

2011-02-18T10:47:00.001-08:00

I only want to tune in to say that I am over 200 lbs ( by one lb) and in a miserable whale-like state of mind. I knew I would change for pregnancy, and it doesn't bother me so much now that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it except stabilize or get bigger. I can rest in the knowledge that I am not stuffing my face at every free moment or being needlessly lazy, but this body is not the one I envisioned when I saw the lines on the pee stick. This was my trial run. I will know what to do next time. I won't make the mistake of being thirty lbs overweight and gain more weight on top of that. I will be healthier and wiser. And I will be forced to be physical, running after another child...I cannot wait to reacquaint myself with Weight Watchers and be healthy for my precious little family!

That being said, I am feeling pretty good, all things considered.( I simply have to remind myself not to look at candid pictures and fall into the slump of "You are so repulsive. Why do you leave your house?")

EDIT: I had to stop writing when my lunch break ended, so I am back for more at midnight.

As far as symptoms go, I'm feeling Natalie move now more than ever and can actually identify parts of her body as she turns within me. It's the weirdest thing ever, but I love it. The only downside is that she's in position, head down, ready to go-- that means her little feet get tangled up in my ribs. That's a whole lot of fun.

I'm getting so tired in these last weeks, but I ocasionally have the most random bursts of energy and feel like I can accomplish anything. I like to take advantage of those with them being few and far between, but I have managed to conquer some chores this week that I have been putting off for months. I guess I'm entering into my nesting phase?

For instance, after my doctor's visit on Wednesday, I went to Babies-R-Us to get some price adjustments and make a few returns, came home and rested for about twenty minutes, cleaned my kitchen, did a couple loads of laundry, swept the downstairs, vacuumed the upstairs, AND vacuumed out my nasty car. (That was a long time coming...) I know that doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but when you're slinging around a belly and out of breath most of the time, it's a big deal. After all of that was said and done, I even tweaked the nursery a bit and started washing some more of her things and putting them away. I'm still waiting on a few finishing details to her room, but I'm mostly done! At that point, I'll probably post pictures.

Her nursery has been a labor of love. It's a teeny room, and it's been an effort to squeeze things in there. The other night I lost a battle to the Diaper Genie, so I haven't been too thrilled about going back in there to see the carnage on the floor in the corner of the room. Lies. You cannot put that thing together in one simple step. It requires a degree in physics. I'm not lying. I'm thinking about throwing it back into the box and hauling it back up to Target to exchange for a simpler model. I spent an hour on it, and I still have no idea how that thing works!

And just for me to look back on, I had my cervix checked ( look away, guys) on Wednesday because I was feeling some pressure. Being a first timer, it's hard to know what things are supposed to feel like. My doctor was able to feel (in her words) "baby's bouncy little head" through the cervix and told me I was about 50% effaced. In case you were wondering, you have to be effaced or thinned out down there before your cervix dilates for a baby to pass through. I'm glad to know I'm making some progress and that the pressure hasn't been just my imagination, but I was hoping that I would have some crazy experience of "Wow! You're half way there! See you in a week!" Not so much. Looks like I will be waiting this one out and that the family scheduled to come down from New Jersey might miss the baby entirely.

I asked about inducement again, but it's still too soon in the game to be making any decisions. My doctor wants to see how my body does on its own before leaping into a voluntary induction since the labors are typically longer and more complicated. While I want everybody to be able to see her, I would rather do Natalie more good and let her bake longer. I want her lungs to be developed and for her suckling reflex to be down pat so I can nurse.

Anyhow, that's just a little update...

One day I'll make a post about my two awesome baby showers. ( I can't believe they've already happened. This is so real.)

Have a good night!

Game Plan!

2011-02-08T15:13:00.001-08:00

So help me God, I am going home and cleaning my house tonight. I'm going to swing by Chick-fil-a, grab myself a free chicken nuggets kids meal, (yay coupon), blast some music, and go to town on my downstairs aka disaster zone!!!!
By the time Brandon walks in from class tonight, it will smell like Pine-Sol!

Favorite Things- January (late)

2011-02-06T07:23:00.000-08:00

A girl over at one of my favorite blogs, Cleared for Takeoff, is doing a "favorite things" series. I decided to join in because it sounds like fun!

I'm doing this a bit late because it's already February, but I would like to try to do one of these for each month of the year. I always like to hear about what's making people happier or their lives easier, so I thought I'd include some of the things that are getting me through this last stage of pregnancy.

1. Little Dorrit (BBC movie)

Brandon and I watched this movie sometime last year and loved it. Well, he gave it to me for Christmas and we've been working our way through it for the past couple of weeks. Our trouble is that we always start a movie as soon as we get into bed so that we rarely make our way through it. We're nerds and love movies based on classic literature. I feel like it gives us a little bit of intellect as well as entertainment.

2. Learning how to coupon.

There are some girls that I went to high school with that had a coupon class last week. Although I didn't make it to the class, they have still been willing to share their knowledge with me. I look forward to saving money once the baby comes, though I know there will absolutely have to be a learning curve. I've never clipped coupons! When I see the incredible deals they post about, though, I definitely want to change my ways. I'm already an extreme bargain/clearance shopper, so I can see an addiction coming on!

3. McDonald's Iced Vanilla Coffee

I have always loved this stuff, but I am loving it more now that I am slowly incorporating some caffeine back into my diet. I have learned that moderation makes a pregnancy healthy and me happier. With my energy being zapped in these last few weeks, this is always a little pick-me-up. I want to abuse it and have, like, ten a day, but I am getting by on one medium every couple of days.

4. Cocoa Butter.

Although my belly resembles the Great Barrier Reef with all of the stretch marks, this definitely soothes the pain of stretching. I've never had much elasticity in my skin, but this tricks my skin into believing there's elastic. I don't use the frou-frou maternity boutique brand. My Kroger-brand works just fine. Brandon's been taking advantage of it, too, since his skin is so dry in the winter.

5. Pantene Beautiful Lengths shampoo

Because Brandon wants me to grow out my hair (ick), I've been using this shampoo that defends against breakage and encourages hair growth. Pantene has something similar to the locks-of-love program, so I thinking about donating my hair to a good cause once I have it long enough for a while. Brandon hates the idea of me donating it after it's gotten to a point where he deems it long, but I know I'll be bored or infuriated with it by the time it reaches that stage. Anyhow, I like the way this shampoo smells. And, along with the prenatal vitamins, I think this little gem is doing the trick.

So, those are my favorite things for January! Boring, I know, but they're making my life much easier! :)

mortification: a short story & my 33 week ultrasound and pregnancy update

2011-02-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

I read somewhere that forgetfulness was an unattractive side effect of pregnancy. That, and impaired judgment and probably blindness. I don't know.

Anyhow, I work at a pretty conservative place. I'm not going to name it here because I figure the majority of my readers know where I work. The dresscode is also reasonably conservative, though not over the top.

This morning, while getting ready for work, I settled upon a thin white sweater, one of the few things that still stretches over the great wide yonder of my belly. ( I refuse to buy any more maternity clothes. I'm already a candidate for What Not to Wear, so let's just make things a little more obnoxious in the last month so that maybe I could realistically make it on the show. Who cares if my shirts don't cover me?! Also, I'm convinced that I'm going to drop 50 lbs once I have this baby. Don't you dare laugh. I'm going to try. Geez, I could write an entire blog filled with rantings of how I feel like the world's frumpiest, dumpiest pregnant lady.)This sweater, like most sweaters, is one that requires wearing a tank top beneath it. Do you know where this is headed?!

So, I walk into my bedroom tonight. At the foot of the bed is the tank top I had intended to put on under my sweater. It's still folded neatly, the only exception being a sleeping cat on top of it. I wore this sweater the entire day without a tank top. In some lights, this sweater looks tissue-thin. I am 7 weeks away from my due date. You do the math. It probably wasn't pretty and was most likely very tacky. I gave strangers an education of the "maternity/nursing bra".

Anyhow, I can see that I am already having some embarrassing mommy moments already...I don't even want to go into the other woes of pregnancy fashion. I have some of the world's ugliest maternity pants. They are too big (which is a plus?) and always slide down! I'm forever pulling them up. I've learned that wearing a belt with maternity pants is pretty much idiotic because you'll nearly pee all over yourself before you get your pants off to go to the bathroom. Brutal honesty.

Now for what makes all of this worth it--

I had my 33 week appointment on Thursday and got to have another ultrasound because doc thought I was measuring a bit big. It could have been Natalie's position, but it looks like she's just going to be a big baby if she stays in until her due date. She's currently estimated to be about 5.5 lbs, which sounds pretty big to me! My doctor spoke of induction the week before she was due, but I kind of want to hold out and see what happens. I'm convinced that I'm going to have her early, but I want to see how my body reacts. Besides, I kind of want the shock of going into labor naturally. I don't mean to be dramatic, but I've always wondered what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with a contraction, just "knowing" that you're going to have a baby later. That, or having your water break unexpectedly. It's just kind of exciting to me. I'm sure I won't think so in the middle of any such scenario when I'm simultaneously screaming and timing contractions, but it excites me!

But most of all, I cannot wait to meet the sweet little girl who is alive and well inside of me. I cannot wait to kiss her little lips or see her smile for the very first time. I have always heard these magical things about newborns, and I cannot wait to experience it for the first time with my own. It's difficult to fathom loving someone you've never met or reconciling the kicks and wiggles that you feel inside with a grainy ultrasound picture. I die of happiness every time I look at our newest ultrasound pictures. I cannot believe she's mine. She is so beautiful. I know the features are kind of hard to see, but I see us in her. I see the both of us, and I feel incredibly blessed.

That being said, I gotta go. Hubby needs computer!

hospital tour

2011-02-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

So, we had our hospital tour today. It looks like Summit is a great place to have a baby, so I'm not too worried. I am, however, worried that I'll get as sick as a dog as soon as I step into the labor/delivery ward. There's something about the smell of hospitals that just turns my stomach. It's a very odd, sterile smell. I may need to rethink wanting to be an ultrasound technician. It could be pregnancy hormones and anxiety about being closer and closer to my due date that conjures up the nausea, but oh well-- I guess, like the birth, I'll just have to push through.

I learned that I could have three people in the delivery room with me, but I'm going to make it easier on everybody and just go right ahead and say that Brandon is the only person from the outside world that I want in there with me. Nurses, doctors, medical students-- that's fine, just not our parents or any other relatives. I don't mean to hurt feelings, but the presence of some would only add more anxiety. I want it to be special and private and also be allowed the first hour after having her to be ours and ours alone. I don't mind visitors, but I'll need to take advantage of the nursing time and just wouldn't feel comfortable with my postpartum chest hanging out all over the place. Although they say all modesty goes out the window, I would still like to maintain appropriate boundaries in that department.

The bed felt uncomfortable as crap. And while I'm no longer accustomed to sleeping through the night, I'm sure I'll be exhausted enough to not mind too badly once the baby comes. We learned that it's probably best to bring our own pillows and to have some sort of birth plan in writing. My birth plan is not going to be difficult for people to follow since I don't intend on having the baby naturally. An epidural administered as soon as I pull into the parking lot is okay by my standards. :)

Seeing the babies in the nursery window made it so real. Some were quietly sleeping, and some were screaming their little heads off as they were bathed by the nurses. Either scenario, I cannot wait. I am hoping for a baby that's serene as the one currently residing in my belly, but I'll probably experience a shift in her personality as soon as she's unleashed. ;)

The nurse who gave the tour looked shocked when I told her I was seven weeks away, so maybe I really AM off and the ultrasound will confirm this tomorrow. I'm excited to find out. Either way, I'm really in the homestretch of all of this and am starting to get extremely uncomfortable.

My lower back is starting to hurt as well as my stomach. Sleeping at night seems like such an impossibility, and I am starting to just stare at the clock and will myself to get rest. I fall into a deep sleep around 4am and have, consequently, started running late for work. It wasn't in the plan, but it's starting to happen.

My feet are getting swollen badly as well as my face. I actually feel a pocket of fluid in my face that kind of freaks me out because it only appeared at the end of last week. I hope it's not a sign of preeclampsia, though I would love to have her sooner than March!

It's surreal to think that my mom had me at this week when she was pregnant with me. I weighed almost five lbs. I'm thinking Natalie's going to be around 5 or 6 tomorrow. I only had to stay 17 days in the NICU, so if something happens, I'm fairly confident she'll pull through with no lasting damage. I had some bronchial problems early on, but nothing major.

Anyhow, I'll know more tomorrow.

Snow day=car wreck

2011-01-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm even writing this, but Brandon and I got in a car wreck as he was taking me to work this morning. We were on the interstate headed west toward Mt. Juliet and were, oddly enough, talking about how Brandon thought the interstate was the safest place to be in snow or ice. I disagreed because I feel more comfortable on back roads that I can be all granny-like and creep on when I'm afraid of sliding. I would rather slide into a ditch than into another car going a fast speed.

Anyhow, we were going along just fine until we slowed on the ramp. And then the Honda had a mind of its own. We went zig-zagging through three lanes, slowly at first, building momentum until Brandon's side of the car rammed into a silver Kia. We're okay. Let me repeat that. We're okay! The other guys bumper was damaged and the driver's side back door was dented in enough that we can't open it. I hit the console pretty hard at the impact and have a bit of bruising on the side of my belly, but baby's moving fine. We called the doctor and she told me not to come in unless I was bleeding or the baby didn't move for several hours. Hours later, I'm beginning to feel like I had some pretty substanstial jarring. My hips hurt and so does my chest. It could be that I burst into tears as we started sliding. I thought we were going to die, and I had visions of our car tearing through the guardrail and tumbling down the hill into traffic.

I called out of work and spent the day on my grandma's couch with a massive headache, no doubt brought on by the panic attack. Brandon was okay and went on to work despite my pleadings. Haha, I was worked up and thought the interstate was evil.

I'm okay now. Baby's fine. Thank God we weren't killed. I hate the snow and ice.

microwave pizza... awful!

2011-01-20T18:03:00.000-08:00

I hate that commercial and it was on, hence the blog title. I'm not terribly creative when it comes to giving things a title. Sorry.
At the risk of sounding totally vain and self-absorbed ( I would have to be a little bit anyways to preface a blog entry with such an introduction, right?), can I just say that I have a bit of a complex when it comes to the way I see myself? Like, when I look in the mirror, I usually see an incredibly obese person with no semblance of beauty? Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way. . . WHAT THE JUNK? (That's probably as close as I'll ever come to cussing on this blog, so take advantage of that.) I was scrolling through some of my old facebook albums tonight and some of my mother-in-law's pictures. These are pictures I had outlawed being tagged in because I was so concerned about double chins or zits or fat rolls or something else unseemly.

Okay, I don't know if it's pregnancy that does it or what, but I realized that those pictures, the ones that I abhored, are the ones I wish I still looked like. And I wonder why the heck I was even concerned to begin with. Maybe it's because I'm older and wiser and find beauty in different things. Maybe it's because I have a daughter on the way and don't want her to adopt the sick mindset I've had over the years.

That being said, I cannot wait to get healthy when the baby comes. I know I shouldn't be phrasing that in future tense because I need to be healthy now that she's growing inside of me. . . blahblahblah. What I mean is, I cannot wait to shed the 20+ lbs that I've gained when she's delivered safely into my arms. I was so naive when I got pregnant. I thought, "Why should I lose weight before the fact if I'm just going to gain weight?" Well, here's why. You won't want to lug 20 extra pounds on top of the thirty pounds you're already overweight. It hurts. It sucks. Your feet will be swollen and look like mattresses by the end of the day. You'll flop around like a beached whale at night trying to fall into a comfortable sleeping position. It's not pretty, and it's not fun. Also, you won't have to go through the humiliation of your doctor telling you that in your eight months of pregnancy, you've gained the amount of weight that she usually likes to see in a full term pregnancy. Meaning? Those 23 lbs I gained were supposed to last until my due date, and those 10 lbs I kept on from the miscarriage didn't help matters. I still have 10 weeks to go, and I think it's childlike to imagine that I won't gain weight when Natalie's growing so quickly.

So, folks, as a measure of accountability and complete humility, I annouce to the world that I am a mere 3 lbs shy of the 200 lb mark. Yes, this is awful. Yes, I feel remorse. And I hope and pray that breastfeeding delivers me from this fate. That, and walking. I guess I could exercise. I hate it so and cannot imagine what it would feel like postpartum, but I digress. Someone said something about doing a sit-up today, and Natalie kicked. It's like she was telling me, "Don't you dare."

And while this blog entry isn't really going anywhere, can I just share another weakness? I am terrible about following through on things. That ranges anywhere from returning a phone call to finishing a craft project or writing things down in a planner. I like to think of myself as a crafty sort of creative person who is completely unorganized. Like, I need to finish the nursery, but I am forever getting distracted by bigger, better projects on the various craft blogs I follow. It's like my mind isn't satisfied until I have a huge pile of scrapbook paper, mod-podge, and ribbon occupying our kitchen table. Oh, and let's not get started on how distracted I become when I'm in the midst of cleaning the house. I am terrified that I'll be on the hoarders show when Natalie comes. Maybe this mind dump is the beginning of the "nesting period" for me. I have to cleanse! Purge! Purge!

I'm waiting for the exhaustion to subside and the urge to clean to show up. With only ten weeks to go, now 9 (EEK!), I am wondering when every surface of my house will shine. It's not like it's dirty now, not even cluttered-- but having it completely spotless for a few days would be amazing. Especially if people are going to be dropping by to see the newest addition.

One thing simply HAS to be done. Cat doors. Installed. I'm tired of our upstairs smelling like poop. I know that it's going to be smelling like poop from a different source for a while, but cat poop is the nastiest thing to ever fall upon the nostril. Baby diarrhea is nothing to cat poop.

Okay, so wanna see those pictures I was so loathe to share with the world?

Okay, I like this one! And Chloe was sooo tiny! I remember focusing on each roll of back chub and getting mad, though. Madness.
Ocean City, NJ with Brandon
Making coleslaw. . . eww at my hands.

I promise a pregnancy post will be on its way soon. I took some belly pictures after my doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and it's really evident that I'm pregnant now! Just a quick blurb because I'm excited-- Natalie is measuring large, so I am being seen back for an ultrasound the week after next to see if my dates were off. Sometimes, when you get pregnant in the cycle immediately after a miscarriage, your dates are thrown off. So I could be further along than I think! I know that sounds bizarre, considering I've had earlier ultrasounds and the dates I provided and the dates of the ultrasound were only off by a few days. That, or she could just be an exceptionally large baby. Haha. Or it could be that I'm simply short-waisted, and she's taking up a lot of room in there. In any event, I'm beyond excited to see her again, this time much more developed than the last time. Between you and me, I don't think my stomach can stretch much further, so an earlier due date would be heavenly.

Anyway, going to log off and get some shut eye. It's snowing in Middle TN again, and that means a perilous journey to work in the morning. :/

random picture of three faves-- just floating around the interwebz. ;)

2011-01-11T06:33:00.001-08:00

Ain't no thang, just three of my favorite actors ever in the same room! Kim Cattrall (Samantha from Sex and the City), Colin Firth (Mr. Darcy, among other impressive roles) , and Jennifer Ehle (Elizabeth Bennett).

I follow way too many obscure celebrity blogs. Anyhow, there they are. Happy, happy! Wish I could have been there to meet them! Some sort of luncheon in NYC...Colin Firth looks like a blade of grass next to these ladies ( who are very beautiful and slender) , so he'd probably evaporate if I hugged him. ( Seriously, Colin, if you ever become one of those celebs who google your name, I'd love to meet you and subsequently hug you and ask you all sorts of questions about your career and listen to your awesome accent. Hopefully the baby weight would be dropped, so I promise I wouldn't make you evaporate.) Celebrity males-- coerced into being very skinny. Just an observation.

Why the excess of blog entries, you ask? Well, my foot is a lovely shade of blurple right now and has to stay elevated for the rest of the morning. This translates to "I'm bored out of my mind and Brandon is snoring beside me!"

Who was your unlikely teenybopper crush?

2011-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

Any of my readers recall his or her first teenybopper crush? Like, who were you totally gaga over when you were at that impressionable age of twelve or thirteen?

You know who I was infatuated with? (And this is mildly embarrassing, but not AS embarrassing as N'Synce or Backstreet Boys or any of those other boy bands. Okay, so who am I kidding? This is probably worse, but I think this individual has more talent in his pinky finger than the entirety of both boy bands combined. I like to think my crush was of the intellectual variety, but-- who am I kidding? I totally had a thing for his sideburns.)

THIS GUY.

His name is Philip Quast, and he's an Australian musical theatre icon. How do I know this, you ask? Well, he played Javert in my overplayed VHS recording of the Les Miserables 10th Anniversary concert circa 1995. I am such a dork. I was reminded of this infatuation when I was perusing through our dvds. Sadly (okay, not sadly. I love musical theatre, and I am not ashamed), I coerced Brandon into buying the 10th Anniversary concert on dvd when I spied it at Costco. Now there's a 25th anniversary concert. And there will probably be a 50th, 75th, and so on. Great things like that just never die. ::end dork ramble::

Anyhow, I know that this guy was probably in his early 40s when I got all googly-eyed over him. Haha.

He's still a handsome man, but wow. . . perspective changes!

Anyhow, needless to say. . . I have moved on to another tall, reasonably sideburned man with pretty eyes.

Who was your embarrassing crush? The more unlikely, the better. I love to laugh. I think mine's stinking hilarious because no one outside of musical theatre dorkdom knows of this guy.

Oh, little Jami. You were and still are so very random.

And this guy is, like, sixty.

Maybe he'll google his name one day and see this and smile.

I still love you, Philip!

mamma mia...

2011-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine ever wanting to harm a baby. I just can't fathom it, but I've been reading a lot about postpartum depression and anxiety disorders and seriously freaking out that I could develop one. I probably already have a little bit of an anxious personality, so it would not surprise me if I had anxious, paranoid tendencies after the baby comes. The big picture things don't scare me. It's the little things (okay, so they're big to me). Like, what if I put the baby down into her crib at night and she stops breathing? I never thought I would be the kind of mom who lost sleep by constantly checking in on her child, but I can see how that happens. I can also understand why some new moms don't shower for days; they're terrified to leave the side of an infant.

Or, what if I pinch off her little fingers when I'm clipping those tiny fingernails? As the end of the pregnancy draws nearer, my fears loom larger. It's not that I'm afraid of making mistakes; I know those will happen. I know I will only grow through them. I'm afraid of falling into a deep psychosis and not being able to emerge. I'm terrified of a suffocating fear and that I won't be able to enjoy my baby because I'm obsessed with not hurting her! I know this sounds incredibly dire and not anything like the normal ramblings of someone who's happily pregnant. I apologize for that, but it's what's going on in the old brain of mine. I think this is what the What to Expect book refers to as normal fears and misgivings. What if your greatest fear about motherhood is that you'll be sucked into a black hole and won't have anything left for your child?

These thoughts have only popped up recently. I am beginning to realize that it won't be easy, that it won't be painless. There will be death with the new life, and I realize that some hopes and dreams and selfish plans will be laid to rest with the arrival of this sweet child. I do not dread meeting my daughter. I am so excited to finally hold her (ie get her out of me). I'm just hoping I'm knocked upside the head with passionate love because, at this very moment, ambivalence comes to mind and it scares me. I don't want to just casually acknowledge this miracle. I want to embrace it, but the fear of losing her and losing myself is so overwhelming right now. ( I can already see it. I'll be driving people nuts because I won't know what I'm doing. And I'll be crying all the time, walking around in a leaky nursing bra, unshowered and smelling like dried milk. The cats will be following me around because of the smell. There will be seven days worth of mascara crust under my eyes, and Brandon will avoid me like the plague as I desperately shove a screaming baby into his arms so I can, God forbid, put on some deodorant. When the time comes to go back to work, I won't know how to function, and I will lose my job to a seventeen year old...)

I know that this is probably just your run-of-the-mill hormonal rant and a mixture of reading too many online articles on PPD and having swollen feet and going into work on what should have been a snow day. For what it's worth,I would like to look back on this post in a couple of months and laugh at my silly fears. I will be taken care of, but why am I afraid?

This is all coming from the girl who had a breakdown in her in-laws' bathroom because she put all of her weight down on a swollen ankle, so take it with a grain of salt. In my defense, though, I've been up since 5:30am ( a mixture of insomnia and snow day excitement) and have not had the traditional pregnancy benefit of "getting off my feet" or "taking it easy". When I hurt, people, I hurt. And tonight, I just wanted to be crabby, sit around and wallow in preggie-pity, and have Brandon listen to me whine about my ankles and my stretch marks and the fact that there's a PERSON wiggling around inside of me and sticking her little limbs into my ribs. We had dinner at his parents', and I didn't know it was supposed to be followed by a movie. I literally could not stay another two hours to finish a movie, Inception, of all things. My chair was uncomfortable. I was moody and swollen, and ... just. . . I just wanted to break away from the crowd and cry in the bathroom and throw a little fit until he felt compelled to come downstairs looking for me.

And that's exactly what happened (minus the fit because I'm a little more mature than that). So, I'm sitting here in my blue terry cloth moomoo, counting the baby's kicks and clawing at my belly (ok, just scratching), and rejoicing that I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Maternity leave can't get here soon enough. I'm tired. I know it's a little early in the game to feel this way, but there's only ten more weeks of this. Ten more weeks of swollen, unrecognizeable feet. I didn't think I'd be a waddler, but I am. And a limper. And sometimes I pee on myself when I bend over or sneeze. ::uncomfortable silence::

Dear Jesus, please save me from the trap of post-partum depression and mood killers. Let me rejoice in the miracle of this sweet baby and not be so obsessed with rituals and routines and rules. Let me just enjoy her and love her and crave what's best for her.

( I am all over the place tonight. Sorry, guys.)

Okay, going now. Because, for sure, you've had enough.

Pregnancy Update- 29 weeks

2011-01-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

So, only 11 or so more weeks to go!!

When you put it that way, it's not long at all.

I decided I would go back to doing my weekly pregnancy updates since I've fallen into a bit of a blogging rut. I still want to have something to refer back to if Natalie ever, you know, wants to know about what life was like before she came along. . .

Without further adieu, I launch into my list of pregnancy complaints and joys.

Total Weight Gained: 20 lbs

Maternity clothes: Yes, though today I wore a pre-pregnancy dress that's empire waisted.

Sleep: Not getting very much "good" sleep! Between waking up in the middle of the night to pee and constantly correcting myself to sleep on my side, it's pretty difficult to feel rested. Last night, for example, we went to bed around 8:45 (I know, party animals, right?). I woke up at 10:00 pm having to pee, again at midnight, and again at 3ish. This was between the periods of erratic tossing and turning. Finally, at 4, I came downstairs for a glass of water and decided that I should try out the couch. I laid down and watched an episode of "What Not to Wear" before falling asleep for, like, thirty minutes before waking up and going upstairs again. I then fell asleep and woke up around 8:30. Obviously, this doesn't work on a day when I have to actually go to work, so I feel like my hands are tied.

Best Moment of the week: A toss up between the progress I made on the nursery and the adorable hat that Andy's grandmother knitted for Natalie!

Food cravings: Although I don't see it as a craving as much as it's me becoming undisciplined in my habits, cookies and milk! Side note: I am so ready to have a basic turkey sandwich that I can't stand it. I also want to go back to guzzling diet coke nonstop. Oh, and caffeine is very much missed! I think I may even have a coffee habit once she comes!

Food aversions: Can't think of anything that turns my stomach.

Symptoms: Charlie horses, trouble sleeping, frequent trips to the bathroom, and more stretch marks. :/

Movement: I am feeling her more in the early morning and at night. I think she's mostly a day sleeper. I've felt her have hiccups once or twice, and it's so cute.

Gender: Still a girl. :)

What I miss: Caffeine, lunch meat, feeling "normal", being able to diet if I want to (though I haven't really WANTED to) , regular clothes, better movement. I am like a slow cow.

What I'm looking forward to: My water breaking and going into labor. :D

Weekly wisdom: I have none. I'm still navigating the rocky waters of "beginning parenthood".

Milestones: I'm in the third trimester, y'all. Heck yes!

Things I love and hate about pregnancy...and Christmas!

2010-12-26T08:50:00.000-08:00

I hope this post doesn't come across as annoying or full of complaints. I am so ecstatic to be having a baby that I cannot contain myself sometimes, but I am not overjoyed with the state of being "pregnant". I realize that it's something that I have to do in order to eventually hold my sweet Natalie in my arms, but other than that, I am 100% over the feelings that accompany pregnancy, and I still have thirteen weeks to go (if she comes on time and all that).

That being said, I am sure that I will want to have a second and third child. But, let me get through the labor and birth process with this one, k?

Anyhow, let's get the bad out of the way because no one wants to dwell on that, and this is just a mini therapy session of sorts.

1. I cannot STAND gaining weight. I started out this pregnancy at around 20-30 lbs more than I wanted to, and seeing the numbers creeping up on the scale (no matter the greatness of the cause) terrify me.
2. Fat face. You can group this in with gaining weight, but my face is massive. There were some candid pictures of me taken last night while I was opening presents. Lemme just say that I did not like what I saw. And lemme just say I fell into an enormous depression because I'm all self-absorbed and shallow like that. My chins have chins. I refuse to believe the well-meaning people who say I'm "glowing" and that I really "make pregnancy beautiful". Frankly, that's a load of horsecrap, you guys. I look like Cartman. I have been beat with the ugly stick, and there's no turning back! Pregnancy IS beautiful, but it doesn't make me beautiful.
3. Not being able to sleep comfortably. I miss sleeping on my belly or my back, and it's hard to find a balance with a pillow between my legs. Also, our bed feels like it's getting smaller. I want a recliner put into our room so I can actually feel well-rested. I fell asleep twice at my mom's yesterday in their recliner, so I'm assured that is the only way I can get a fabulous sleep.
4. Charlie horses. Every single night. One night I just gave in and started whimpering and screaming until I woke Brandon up so he could ask me what was wrong.
5. My pants keep falling down. Okay, I have never been blessed with a butt. I hate that. I inherited the flat butt of my father, not the voluptuous backside of my mother's family. With the gut expanding, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose my pants one day. And no one wants to see the wonderful expanse of cellulite across my rear. No one. I even cringe.
6. Maternity clothes. Yes, they're cute. And yes, you can have too many of them. I just want to shop at regular places again. I got a ton of maternity clothes for Christmas, and while I need them-- I am not excited about my entire closet being hijacked by them.
7. Makeup not looking the same. I know this sounds weird, but I have discolorations on my face from the pregnancy. It's a hormonal thing that happens to some people. I love makeup, but I have not enjoyed it while pregnant.
8. Swelling feet. Holy cow, cankles. I feel like I have a pillow beneath my right foot. It's that swollen.
9. I break chairs. Yes, that's right. I fell through a kitchen chair at my parents' house on Christmas eve. My parents have an older kitchen table (2o + years). I sat down in the chair that they put on the opposite side of the table where no one usually sits. (It was there because it wasn't sturdy.) When I sat down, I thought it felt funny. . . well, 20 minutes later it gave way, and I was on the floor. Cue my mother's breakdown and questioning every thirty seconds if the baby was moving and my dad hurling the offending chair into the yard. Cue coarse language and a bruise on my butt.
10. I cannot drown out my sorrows in chocolate or diet coke. At least not the way I want to.
11. People keep telling me their own birth horror stories.
12. I HATE MY HAIR. And Brandon won't let me cut it because he looooooves it long. I have no idea why. It looks like a dead animal crawled up there and died.
13. I'm going to only get bigger from here.
14. That whole birthing thing. It's going to come out of WHAT?!
15. I still have to work.

Things I LOVE!
1. Natalie Grace.
2. I can stick out my belly.
3. I don't really have stretch marks like I thought I would. '
4. I love to feel her moving around in there.
5. I love that people have been a little more courteous here and there.
6. My skin, although discolored, is softer.
7. Closer parking spots.
8. The element of surprise. When will I have my baby? Is she going to come early, right on time, what?
9. Baby showers!
10. Baby clothes.
11. Dragging Brandon around different baby stores.
12. People coming up and asking me when I'm due, what the baby is, if they can touch my belly. I love that part. It makes me feel not as repulsive if people actually want to approach me.
13. Nursery.

There's so much more, believe me. The good outweighs the bad, but now I can't think!

Anyhow, I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and were able to truly celebrate what it means. We had a fun weekend of family and friends! On Christmas eve, we went over to my parents' house for the Sullivan family Christmas.

We exchanged our 12 month gift boxes, had a huge dinner, and there was much happiness. I had drawn my uncle Shannon's name and had a difficult time filling his box, but I think he ended up with some good stuff.

1. Blind Side movie
2. Hachi movie
3. Candle (haha)
4. Alabama shirt
5. Alabama beanie
6. Old Navy pajama bottoms in AL colors with white polar bears.
7.Bath and Body Works Citron spray for men ( hope he liked it)
8. $10 Tractor Supply Gift Card
9. $15 Tractor Supply Gift Card

I know I didn't have 12 gifts, but there was supposedly a limit as to what we were supposed to spend... haha.

My mom drew my name, so I got a ton of good things! She knows me, so it was easy for her to think up little things that I might enjoy. I got a lot of jewelry, some souvenirs from her cruise (haha), a cute magnet, an ornament for Natalie, this awesome little cat light, a book light, a key finder (hehe- she knows how often I misplace my keys.) To top it off, she also got me an Old Navy gift card! WOW!

Brandon drew my cousin's wife, Amber. And while he really didn't participate in the box like I did, his money went toward supplying her with a ton of things that I liked. :)
Makeup bags, magnets, Bath and Body works stuff, a cute wallet, Target gift card, gloves, lip gloss. . . you know, all the fun things that ladies love. Well, I don't know her that well, so I hope she at least liked what we picked out. I mean, what *I* picked out.

My grandma drew Brandon's name, and he got most of the stuff that I did from my mom, minus the jewelry. My mom and Grandma were often together when they were getting these gifts, so they were on the same train of thought. ;) They only found out last month from each other who the other person had, so it was pretty funny to discover we had similar gifts going to the same house.

On Christmas morning, Brandon and I woke up and exchanged the presents we weren't supposed to get for each other. He got me two period films, Little Dorrit (BBC) and Louisa May Alcott's Inheritance. That was a total B- minus movie, so don't watch it. He felt bad, but it was only $5. How many duds have we bought in bargain bins? Too many. He also got me an Old Navy giftcard. If I can, I'm going to seriously hold off on redeeming it until after the baby. I am seriously tired of maternity clothes. I cannot wait to have a shopping spree when I shed the baby weight!!
I got him an amazon gift card, a Starbucks gift card, Bath and Body Works' Twilight Woods for men and a bag of Christmas M&Ms.

After that, we showered and went to my parents' house for a yummy Christmas breakfast. I'm not a breakfast person, but I seriously gave in to the bacon and eggs. I even had a bite of frozen pecan pie that Brandon insisted was the best thing ever. In its congealed state, it was pretty amazing.

My parents got us a Weber grill as a Christmas/housewarming present! I cannot wait to start using it. I'm not a big griller because I've never had one, but I cannot wait to make turkey burgers and other fun, healthy things on the grill. It helps that we have the screened in deck out back. That way, we can grill in the winter and not have to brave the ice and cold.

We also got a shop vac (perfect for cleaning out our funky cars to prepare for Natalie), a dryer ball that is supposed to really catch lint and cat hair and reduce wrinkles and the need for dryer sheets (win!), a Lowes giftcard for $50, a Mastercard giftcard for $50, the comforter that I wanted for our bed from Target (so pretty). Brandon got some pajama bottoms ( ironically the same ones we bought for my dad), and I got a robe and some non-skid socks for the delivery room. It was amazing! My parents really did a good job of spoiling us!

We got my dad a $50 Bass Pro giftcard, the pajama bottoms, and a night on the town with Brandon and his dad to see the Predators play next Sunday night. I bought my mom this adorable coat from QVC , a $25 giftcard to Homegoods ( she rarely uses gift cards, but I hope she takes advantage of this one since I broke her kitchen chair!) some red pajama bottoms with candy cane hearts (adorbs), a watch, and a pair of earrings. I think she liked her haul. I'm never sure with her, but I think she definitely appreciated the pretty coat. Red is her color, and she looked fabulous, whether or not she'll admit it.

Part 2 to come... I stink and need a shower in the worst way.

Haha, and I'm tired of watching the little neighbor boy slide around on his mini-John Deere tractor. . .

Merry Christmas!!!

2010-12-24T12:59:00.001-08:00

So... Merry Christmas, guys!!! AND... Natalie is only three months away!! I sometimes feel like she's going to come any minute. Hope you guys have a wonderful holiday, eat until you can't move, and have fun celebrating the birth of our wonderful Jesus.

I'm currently watching Tori and Dean on Oxygen and trying to straighten this house up before we make the weekend runaround!

Stubborn dog, cancelled plans

2010-12-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

I've not had a good day. It's not made of the typical "bad day" sort of stuff. It's just been sort of "blah". I've started to experience Braxton Hicks contractions, and they are not fun at all! It's like a shooting stab of pain that comes out of nowhere and leaves you breathless. It's not dehabilitating, but I definitely have to stop and take a break every now and then. That, and I think morning sickness is rearing its ugly head for the third trimester.

Brandon and his dad have gone to Atlanta for a hockey game this weekend, so I was given the duty of walking our dog while he's away. I absolutely hate it! First off, the dog walks me, not vice-versa. And then he gets excited and jumps up on my belly! If all of that isn't enough, he also periodically attacks the neighbor's dogs. So embarrassing. And tonight, the little rascal didn't even try to go to the bathroom when I walked him. He's down in the basement now, and I don't look forward to the rancid mess that awaits me. It was enough to hurl me into a meltdown of sorts. "If I can't keep this dog from dragging me across the subdivision, how will I raise a child?!" I'm sure my screaming wasn't too attractive. The neighbor's dogs have collars and are technically not supposed to get on our lawn, but that didn't stop the sequence of events. . . and while she apologized, I felt like the idiot who shouldn't own a dog. I don't even like our dog half of the time. True story. I am a cat person. I feed and pet the dog because Brandon loves him, but I am not really bonded to him beyond that. I hate it because I want to enjoy the dog, but when push comes to shove, I just don't. He's a lot of work, and I don't feel like the pain is worth it half the time. I personally would like to be out a dog by the time the baby gets here, but that probably won't happen. That being said, I know it's my fault for bringing him home in the first place. In all honesty, if my father-in-law said he wanted him, I would gladly pack up his chew toys and ship him on his merry way. End rant.

I was supposed to meet my parents to go Christmas shopping tonight, but it's not going to happen. I was really looking forward to it, but after half an hour of begging the dog to poop and it not happening, I wasn't really feeling any Christmas cheer. Instead, I had angry tears streaming down my face and was really annoyed that I let our DOG ruin the evening. And then the hormones set in as I trudged upstairs. At one point, I was crying TO THE BABY that things we're going right and that I hoped I didn't screw her up like I evidently have screwed up the dog.

I think I'm going to call it an early night and go to bed. So exhausted, mentally and physically. I didn't know I could cry so much over a dog not pooping. I felt like a failure. Haha!

random mishmash

2010-12-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is, but I'm not super excited about Christmas this year. I'm not bluesy or anything, but it just seems rushed, and I think I'm so much looking forward to next year's Christmas that this one is passing in a blur. In truth, I'm just counting the days until the end of March.

So, anyhow. . . on a completely unrelated note, I stepped on the scale tonight and I am down 5 lbs from my last doctor's visit. I was fully clothed, so I think it was just Thanksgiving dinner that hung around for my prenatal visit and not me actually gaining more weight than I was supposed to. This makes me very happy, but I am wondering if I should be losing weight at all at this point? The doctor told me to avoid fast foods, sweets, and to do a lot of walking for the remainder of the pregnancy. Okay, so I cut most of that out for a week, and I'm down. I guess it was the mental shift from thinking pregnancy was an excuse to cram my face to actually seeking out alternatives to chicken nuggets and cookies. It's the Christmas season, so it is a little difficult to avoid sweets. They're, like, everywhere. I do sneak them in, though. :)

Anyhow, I finished my Christmas tree tonight. I'm not too proud of it, so I think I'll skip the pictures this year. It's just a little scrawny, and I didn't feel like pouring the usual effort into it. I thought that moving into a new house would mean that I would transform into a little Martha Stewart and conjure up all sorts of DIY projects, but life is so hectic. I can't imagine even finding the time to crank out the nursery. It seemed like such a priority a couple of months ago. It was all I thought about. Now that we have the room painted and are awaiting the furniture, it just seems like the scariest task ever.

Tonight, I've been thinking about "what ifs". Like, what if Natalie comes early? I've had a little bit of pain in my side for the last hour or so. While I don't think it signifies a contraction or anything, I know I have reached the "age of viability". If she came now, she would be almost 2 lbs. She would be in the NICU for a bit, but she would survive. We would have NOTHING for her here, save for a few outfits that would swallow her whole. And while she would be at the hospital for a good few weeks, we would have to throw together an emergency baby furnishing operation. As of now, we wouldn't even have a carseat to bring her home in! My baby showers probably won't take place until I'm eight months, so it's a daunting thought!

I could be reading about what I'm supposed to be expecting this week, but I would rather be in the dark about some things. I tend to stress myself out when I look into things. Like, instead of reading all the great information, I look at what could possibly go wrong at each stage. Right now, I have mastered avoidance. I'm sure if you looked at my google history for the first few months of this pregnancy, you'd find some scary things.

For right now, things are progressing and my doctor seems very pleased with how things are going. I have to go back at 28 weeks for a glucose test, but I'm hoping to pass that with flying colors and not be put on a strict diet with finger pricking for the rest of my pregnancy...

Anyhow, going to go clean up. . .

Tired. Hope it snows tonight, though we have church and lunch with new friends that I would hate to miss.

wants/needs/gimme gimme

2010-12-10T17:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like I can breathe now. We are out of the rental house completely! No more worries about knocking down cobwebs from obscure corners or patching up nail holes. No more carting load after load of boxes from the old house to the new one. We finally have ONE house now. We still have a ton of boxes to work with, but I'm definitely making some progress on the pile. It wasn't so daunting to pack all this junk up, but I hate having to think of where I'm going to put it now. Can I just say this house is bigger but that it does not have as much storage as I'm used to?

Anyhow, I was walking around and surveying things and was making a mental list of the stuff I would like for this house. This is definitely not going to be immediate gratification kind of stuff, yet a lot of it is not expensive at all, just small things. I guess I inherited my mother's aversion to dropping $50.00 or more each time I go to the store. And I cannot stand to even think about pulling out my credit card. Call me old fashioned, but thinking about going into debt makes me panic. I keep repeating the mantra that it doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.

So, without further adieu, here's my list. You guys may snicker at this, but whatever. :)

New dish towels- Haha, I know this sounds awfully stupid, but we got some of the ugliest dish towels known to man when we got married. And while I'm not a snob when it comes to the dish towel, I don't want to have crazy mismatched ones when company comes over.
New towels- same thing. We couldn't make up our mind over which color scheme we wanted for the bathroom, so we registered for a gazillion towels and never returned the ones that did not match because a) we were lazy b) we started using them. We have burgundy, yellow, brown, green, taupe, white, blue, and pink towels. It is a visual trainwreck under my bathroom cabinet.
Welcome mats and area rugs- We aren't so far gone that we've never had a welcome mat. They just never survive around us. Enter one cold, blustery day or a flood, and we're out a door mat. I cannot count how many times our welcome mat ended up in the shrubbery. I eventually threw it away and forgot to replace it.
Area rugs- I don't want terribly expensive ones because we have cats, but it would be nice to have an extra splash of color to the room and something soft for Natalie to crawl on when she gets old enough. Hardwoods are especially cold in the winter, and an area rug would warm the room nicely.
Black or dark brown picture frames with white or off-white mattes- I want to do something Ikea-esque up our staircase, on the wall above our couch, and on the wall above the desk in the "library". I have found some cheapy frames at Wal-Mart for $3.00 a pop, so this dream is not in the far distant future. It's just a matter of buying said frames and filling them up with pictures.
A custom frame for Brandon's uncle's painting- Brandon's uncle was a street vendor in Ukraine who created some awesome paintings. Brandon took it upon himself to try and staple the canvas to some plywood. It was a two-man job, and he did it by himself. Consequently, it's uneven and loose on the wood. I am not a fan. I do not hide this. I am not a block canvas sort of person. I like the dimension that frames add to art.
New bedding for master and guestroom- I have had the same discount Ross comforter for 3 years. It was $12.99 and was part of a collection from Kohl's. I dressed up the plain bedding with pillows. I love it, but we have a very deep mattress and it doesn't quite make the cut. We have a queen size bed, but we need king size bedding. We found a Pottery Barn set that we loved in July and waited for it to go on clearance. By the time it was marked down, we lost out! It's now listed on Ebay for $100 more than Pottery Barn was asking for it. Um, no thanks. I think I can sleep on my discount bedding for a little bit longer.

The guest room? Well, anything would be nice. I've never had a plan for that room.

Shelf for the laundry closet- I need a shelf for my detergent! I'm tired of shifting bleach and detergent from the top of the washer to the top of the dryer. I also need a place to put extra (ugly) towels and linens. ( No linen closet!!)
Closet organization thingies- shoe racks, purse racks, random rubbermaid things.
Cat doors-I want the cats to go potty down in the basement so I can assemble my guestroom. No one wants to smell that.

Nursery- I want to have my nursery cleared out so I can start imagining where Natalie's furniture is going to go.

Okay, I'm sure there's a lot more... just dreaming! :)

Dollar Store Clothing Haul 'cause Natalie is classy like that. ;)

2010-12-07T18:48:00.001-08:00

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! I found these cuties at the Dollar General on our moving day!!!!! And I just found them again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!! The bib kills me! It's so adorable!!

Has my neighbor seen me in my underwear?! LOL

2010-12-04T06:52:00.000-08:00

Trying to acclimate myself to subdivision living...

So, our house backs up to some woods and our upstairs windows are usually open, right?

I'm vacuuming our guest room where the cats' litter box is currently stationed. This means a steady spray of cat litter on the floor every couple of days or so, so I have to keep it in check lest they track it all over the house.

Anyhow, I was vacuuming this morning in my underwear because it's probably how a lot of us newlyweds choose to do things when we don't have kids running underfoot and don't have our entire family there to walk in on such an embarrassing thing. We're trying to squeeze the last few months of this in before it's entirely off limits and we're banned to a life of sweats and t-shirts, though Brandon will likely ocasionally bust out the boxers for good measure. ( It's a whole lot better than my Dad and his briefs, lemme tell you, though Natalie may not think so!)
Anyhow, in the back of my mind I'm aware that we're in a subdivision and no longer have property that backs up to nothing but land, but I felt safe and secure because no houses are on the back side of our house. And then it strikes me that the woods are there and our next door neighbors hunts behind our house in the woods. I wonder how many times we've been seen walking around in our underwear. I wonder if they have a nickname for us. They've been MIA lately, so maybe we've frightened them away?

And while it's better than naked, my neighbor has probably seen me in my underwear. ( I'm just speculating, I don't know for certain...) I wonder how our next conversation will go. Anyhow, I promptly ran and grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt because hey, I'm pregnant, and this belly is massive. I keep telling myself it's like I was in a bathing suit, but now I feel all weirded out!

Haha, sometimes I miss acreage!

I have no creative taglines, sorry...

2010-12-02T03:52:00.001-08:00

Hello, hello. It's 6am, and I have been wide awake and freezing since a little before 4am. I finally had to get up, put some thicker pajamas on, and trudge downstairs for some blog stalking and facebook prowling...

We have another ultrasound today, and I think I'm a little nervous and excited about that. Hopefully our little girl will cooperate and we'll be able to get a good look at her face and heart. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes normally and that there are no defects or concerns. I have no reason to believe that anything's wrong, but it concerns me a bit that she was on her belly the entire time last time. I've also had some spurts of movement from her followed by long periods of stillness, so I don't know. I guess that's normal, but every little thing you feel and don't feel in pregnancy makes you wonder.

Haha, I'm also a little nervous that we might find out she's a boy this time! I love little boys and would not be opposed to whatever God gives me, but I've already gone on a little shopping spree! Her umbilical cord was between her legs last time. The tech looked twice for us to make sure, but mistakes have been made from time to time, and I guess I'm thinking that if it happened to anyone, it would happen to the girl who's already had her baby's room painted a bright, cheery aqua and bought some undeniably girly outfits. ;)

I am so thankful for this baby, but there are times when I'm paralyzed by the fear of being a mother. I have never really been around newborns. As soon as I hold a baby, I am usually the one handing it right back after the obligatory bounce and butt pat. I don't know if it's pregnancy or sheer terror, but I get really overheated these days when I'm handed a baby. I could chalk it up to hormones and usually do, but I think it's the reality that I will be holding my own in four short months if all goes as planned.

And when it comes to baby registries and shopping for a baby, there are so many options out there. I tried to do some research and got seriously overwhelmed. There's my mother who thinks everything I get needs to come from a consignment store ("You won't use it for long! And you'll have way too much stuff you won't need! Why spend the money on new stuff when you can bleach it in clorox?") and then my mother-in-law who joked or was maybe serious about wanting to have her own shower so she'll have stuff at her house during the times she keeps Natalie. Two conflicting views, one frazzled mommy! I DON'T CARE!

That being said, there are only four items on my registry thus far.
An angel care movement monitor, $100-- it actually has some sort of sensor that will cause an alarm to go off if baby turns on her back or stops breathing. According to Target's reviews, this thing has been a lifesaver many times and has allowed panicked mommies to be able to sleep instead of waking up every thirty seconds to check on baby.

A changing pad. . . for all the yucky that will ensue.

A baby tub... for washing off all of the yucky.

And there was something else, but I can't remember. I want to drag Brandon up and down some baby aisles to help me make decisions, but I have a feeling he will be more overwhelmed than I am, and then we'll register for nothing because we'll say "Let's go back later!". That's what we did last time. We never had this problem when creating our wedding registry. There was no research involved. We either liked it or we didn't, and then we changed our minds 3 months later and was stuck with it all! So, if you ever come over and stay with us and see that we have bajillion different colored towels, you'll know what happened. I had not nailed down a color theme. Haha. It's like Joseph's coat of many colors under our bathroom sink. ( I feel so sad that I've acquired two more bathrooms but have no linen closet!)

I'm personally holding out to have a little April Fool's Day baby. That would be exactly a week past my due date. I think that would be fun.

I'll try to get the house looking good in the next couple of weeks so I can provide you guys with a glimpse of our new home. We still have a couple more rooms to paint, so we have furniture crammed into the baby's room.

On the 18th, Brandon and his dad are making a Christmas trip to Atlanta to see the NJ Devils play against whoever Atlanta's hockey team is, so they will be making a pitstop at IKEA. I have already compiled a list of what they are to return with, so maybe I can start putting together the baby's room in January when life slows down.

I am excited and scared.

Also? Brandon decides tomorrow if he's going to be leaving the country in June for ten days to go across the world on a mission trip to Ukraine. I would lie if I said I felt comfortable with him wanting to go. At that point, Natalie will still be a newborn, and I am terrified at the idea of anything happening to him. I don't know how I'll handle being a mother, and if I suffer through PPD or PPA or PPOCD or something scary, I want him here for support. I think he understands that I'm not trying to limit his opportunities, but the timing's just not right next year.

I'm hoping that he will decide to stay, but I know I cannot force him.

Anyhow, off to get ready for the big appointment. Don't want to be late! It's a farther drive now! Have a good day!

random update

2010-11-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

So... I am pretty much dead from the combination of moving, unpacking, Thanksgiving and Black Friday...

BUT... I did manage to come home and drag one of our Christmas trees up from the basement. I'm debating on putting up two trees this year since it's the first time I've had two large windows to work with, but I'm a little tired and don't know if I should be concentrating my efforts there or in the general furnishing of the new house. One day I'll have pictures, but I would prefer that the pictures not show the many boxes that are still unpacked. ( I would rather decorate than unpack! There's so much to do!)

Anyhow, thought I would share the quick supper I threw together tonight when I got in. We had chicken breasts that needed to be used, so I boiled them in a mixture of chicken broth and water after coating them in pepper, poultry spice, garlic salt, and who knows what.

After that, I shredded the chicken, popped open a can of cream of chicken, mixed some leftover mashed potatoes with a half stick of melted butter, crumbled a handful of oyster crackers on top and baked for about 20 minutes at 350.

Surprisingly, it's good!

So now I'm going to trot off and straighten out the branches of one of my trees and simultaneously watch Stacy and Clinton transform some more people. Someone please vote for me to get on that show!

I am not dead.

2010-11-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

This is just an update to say that I am not dead.

I am just completely and utterly exhausted from this move, working, and pregnancy.

I know that ten days doesn't really signify a major time lapse in blogland, but I felt like I owed an explanation. I have been in a black hole of busy work, packing, and more packing. Both houses are a mess, and it's just not fun right now.

And... I have not been able to get a good night's sleep. Sleeping on my side is no fun, and it takes me an hour and a half sometimes before I can make myself power down. Even then, I always wake up because I somehow roll to my back and cannot breathe!

So... maybe I'll be talking again in December. For now, November's definitely too much for me!

irrational fears

2010-11-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

Praying for peace of mind today! I am the kind of person that worries incessantly over things and becomes uncontrollably anxious. I am a worse-case scenario kind of person, and it really gets on my nerves. Today, Brandon and I decided to get a head-start on cleaning out the basement. Cue me lumbering around and hoisting boxes from the back of the basement, sweeping up tumbleweeds of cat hair, and deciding I would clean out the basement shower stall (where we keep both litter boxes). Many of you might recall my freak out a couple of months ago because I'm pregnant and we have cats. I pretty much diagnosed myself with toxoplasmosis and was a nervous wreck until my blood test results came back negative. I have never had the disease and was not immune to it if it should show up during pregnancy. Keep in mind that I'm not usually the one changing the litter, but I had exposed myself to some form of cat waste that had been the product of someone's (not naming any names) incontinence!

Anyhow, shift to today when I'm cleaning out our basement shower stall. I'm happily lifting out litter pans and putting them down on the floor beside our open door ( score for ventilation) and making a lot of progress. I then start to sweep up scattered litter from four corners of the shower stall, making a big pile that I can suck up with the vacuum cleaner. I'm also wearing gloves (score for hand protection). My eyes then fall on a paint can in the back of the shower stall (no idea why it was there) that looks like it's stuck to the floor. Apparently, a full can of paint has busted. When I attempt to pick up the paint can, it's stuck to the floor. I tug and tug and finally pry it loose, leaving a trail of beige wet paint in my wake. I decide that I must vacuum up litter particles before I even attempt to work with the paint mess. I go upstairs, nearly die dragging the vacuum back down the stairs, hook up my extension and get to work. In the next minute or so, my vacuum gets dangerously full and I have to empty it. While pulling apart the compartment, litter flies everywhere. It's in the innards of the vacuum, and I'm pulling it out with my gloved- fingers. Around this time, my nose starts to itch from the combination of dust and cat litter. Without thinking, I know I lifted one of my hands up at one point to scratch my nose. My fingers had been near the litter. Granted, the litter was not covered in fecal matter and was just loose litter, but -- do you see where my mind's going?

Of course, I wasn't worried about any such thing at the time. My mind was engaged by trying to get my vacuum put back together. If you ever wanted to see a tantrum, I'm sorry you weren't there. I'm pretty sure I swore and hit the vacuum multiple times before giving up and waiting for Brandon to return from the dump.

It wasn't until we had come up from the basement that my mind went there, there being that dangerous place that it goes when I let my fears rule my mind and heart. Insert my mad googling rampage about toxoplasmosis. The links on google were still purple from the last time I went through this. I know that it's not really likely that any of my cats are infected with toxoplasmosis. They are not outdoors and eating wild game or raw meat. I have a greater change of contracting the disease by not washing my vegetables or eating undercooked meat than I do of getting it from my cats. There's just that small, rare possibility that scares me.

And then I realize that these fears usually come on the scene after something really great has happened. I saw my wonderful, precious baby girl via ultrasound on Thursday. You think I'd be set. No, it means it's time to go around looking for more irrational fears to weigh me down. If it's not caffeine, it's paint. If it's not paint, it's cat poop. If it's not that, it's hot showers.

So, tonight, I ask, if you have a moment, that you would pray for my peace. I am so nervous and anxious about everything and nothing these days. I want to trust God and lean on His promises. I'm about to go search for some bible verses to repeat if these feelings latch on too strongly again.

Anyhow, Brandon was getting tired of, "Do you think I have toxoplasmosis? Do you think Natalie's going to be okay? Do you think she'll be handicapped?" -- so I had to come here.

I have a hard time trusting. Can't you tell?

I have popped! My stretch marks confirm this.

2010-11-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

I'm somewhat embarrassed. When I lifted up my shirt to check out Natalie this morning, I saw the smattering of stretch marks she left me through the night. My stomach had this awful stretching and pulling thing going on all through the day and I had a hard time sleeping, and now I see why! Time to slather on more cocoa butter. Man, I thought I was going to be one of the lucky ones in this area. I just need to get a grip on them before they turn bright red and purple! Ah, not that I could ever get away with a bikini... but I don't suppose I really can now... hehe! At first I thought they were indentions left from the sheets, but now I see they aren't going away. Oh, to have elastic-y skin...

2010-11-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time for an update, isn't it? I'm taking a little break from breaking down the guest room and laundry so I can strut my stuff all over the internet and announce my happy news...

We are blessed to be having a baby girl sometime in March! I am deliriously happy because I've always dreamed of having a little girl. A small part of me was sad to not be experiencing a baby boy this time around, but we're probably not going to stop at one child, so it looks good.

Last night before the ultrasound I could barely sleep. I was suffering from an extremely fluttery belly (not the baby, just nerves-- kid on Christmas Eve kind of feeling) and developed a charlie horse. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and had a hard time falling back asleep until it was, like, 4:30 or so. I then slept until 7:00. I had aspirations of being up at 5:30 and doing full on hair and makeup in order to capture the news on film, but we all know that didn't happen. We rolled into the parking lot around the time of the appointment, 8:30 AM. Luckily, there was a wait due to patient volume, so we didn't cause any of the medical personnel to wait on us. (And really, when has that ever happened? Every time I go to the doctor, my appointment never starts on time.)

So, my mom, MIL, Brandon, and I killed time in the waiting room by exchanging stories about our childhoods. The ultrasound started around 9:00. I loved the bedside manner of my technician, a combination of humor and her own experiences in childbearing. The cold goop was dumped on to my gut and the party started. As opposed to my last ultrasound, as soon as the "wand" laid against my stomach a clear image of the baby popped up on the screen. We were able to identify the head, spine, arms, legs, bum, and to quite easily rule out that it was not a little boy. This little girl was sleeping on her belly with her head nestled somewhere against my hipbone. (Ouch! Move over, baby! The tech said that explained any soreness I was having in my tendons...) We were never able to get her to roll around to her back so we could get a clear look at her face. We were able to see that her heart looked healthy with four chambers, but the doctors feel more comfortable when the spine isn't blocking the view. That being said, I get to see my little dumpling again when I go back in four weeks. I hate that I didn't see her today, but I love the chance of getting to see her again before I deliver!

When I actually sat down and talked to my doctor, I told her that I was fearful that I hadn't felt any movement yet. We then narrowed it down that I was feeling movement, I just thought it was mostly gas. She said that when you're pregnant, your bowels kind of move over to the side so anything felt around the pubic bone is definitely baby and not gas bubbles. Good to know. We all know me. I panic.

Okay, tired and hungry again. Check out my facebook for pics of our girl!!

Nursery Storyboard

2010-10-30T08:12:00.000-07:00

Alphabet wall- DIY project that probably takes more time than I actually have, but I LOVE this. Can you tell that I want my baby to read early?

pst... this is all part of my plan to keep walls neutral and liven them up with some color and three-dimensional fun! Okay, I am officially having a lot of fun. And... I have to say... I think I'll be doing this theme either way. It's gender neutral and tranquil, yet super fun!! Look at that huge button. That alone makes me want to cry. And I have some white furniture that needs repainting, so I already have a lot of the stuff needed to complete my dream nursery. OH MY GOODNESS. I am ready to start this project. This nursery is my Christmas gift. LOL.

Bedding, $160 Babies-R-Us

The crib that I want is similar to the one in the picture and costs $200.

I was also thinking of using some vintage alphabet flash cards to put in various frames throughout the room, maybe even spelling out baby's name on a little shelf above the crib. The rest can be hung from string and clothespins in a corner of the room, and I think I will then tire of my love of the alphabet.

At that point, I might even start on some punctuation or definitions. LOL.

Seriously, I just googled "definition art".

In the early winter, I think we'll make a trip out to IKEA and come home with some cool toys, a spiffy hanging chandelier, and some paper lanterns.

And then I think we'll have our budget nursery well underway and prepped for little Dragan! I have to go get ready for work, but this was a lot of fun!

seventh grade-wowza

2010-10-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's always fun to find old pictures. I was cleaning out one of our desks today, and I found this totally random gem from the seventh grade, back when overalls were a staple for the cool kid! Okay, maybe they weren't, and maybe I was a dork back then like I am now. . .

Anyhow, wish my hair was still that thick. Don't miss those Bert and Ernie brows for anything, but it's fun to think back on the days of yesteryear, a simpler time-- although we didn't think so!

Baby Registry Panic Attack Rant

2010-10-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

No one told me that a baby registry would lead to a headache.

I know that I'm a little premature here. We don't know what we're having until November 4th, but I wanted to get a head start and do a little bit of research. I feel like I'm going to vomit. I seriously had a near panic attack trying to read all of the reviews on car seats and strollers. I am not ready for this! I don't know what I'm doing. I'm in love with the idea of a baby, but I seriously have no idea how to take care of a baby. It's been an eternity since my days of highschool babysitting, and I doubt I even remember how to change a diaper! And I don't think I've ever held a newborn beyond the initial "meet the new baby" kind of thing. And that had to be thirteen years ago with my little cousin!

So, I am a fresh bundle of nerves, and I want to cry. I'm googling suggestions for new moms, and I am lost in a whirlwind of breast pumps, infant carriers, and swaddling cloths.

I am attributing this to hormones and the fact that we're going to be moving in a month. Thankfully, I have a couple of friends who are first-timers like me who have already made their registries and had their babies. When you're alone and looking at that stuff, it can be extremely intimidating. You don't want to get stuff you can't use, and you don't want to get something that's going to be on safety recall in a couple of months. You also want to get something that's going to practically grow with you and your child.

It's finally beginning to hit me. Being a mommy is hard work, and this baby has about five more months to cook! No wonder some moms have mental breakdowns. It's way too early in the game to be getting this overwhelmed. Granted, this is the first time I've allowed this to happen...

I just want to cry, cry, cry...

In other news, I had my appointment yesterday. Everything's going great so far! Check it out... I've only gained 6 lbs this entire pregnancy. I gained 10 with the miscarriage, so that's 16 lbs total from any sort of pre-pregnancy. And that was a good 30 lbs heavier than my wedding weight, so... haha.

It brings me back to this, though. I just want to cry!

week of insanity ramble

2010-10-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we got some word back on the house! It's in the middle of inspection right now, but the appraisal went well. Just a little more time now and then I'll post pictures.

I'm ecstatic to get inside and decorate it. I'm a little iffy about the amount of yardwork I'll have to do. I am seriously the opposite of a greenthumb, but I look forward to learning. Brandon's in a horticulture class this semester, so I'm sure he'll be able to help! The house is beautiful! I can't believe it's ours! Seems like a dream to not be renting anymore.

This week is proving to be a busy, hectic week so far and it's only Monday.

Yesterday, my macbook greeted me with the white screen of death. We've only had it for two years, so it was a complete surprise. Apparently, there's a trend of macbooks' hard drives going out when system updates are performed. I'm crossing my fingers that that's not the case, but all of this happened in the wake of a system update, so I'm not too optimistic. It wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't a $1500 computer. I'd always heard that macs are golden computers that never have anything go wrong, so I'm a bit turned off right now. We're going to go to the apple store some time this week, but it'll be tough finding the time. I really don't want to drive to Green Hills and stand in line for an hour or more to be told to shell out $500 for something that should not have happened in the first place. I will be desolate if my pictures are lost. That was really the only thing I had on that computer, and we didn't have anything backed up because we didn't feel the need to go the extra mile. "Macs don't crash!"

Anyhow, we both worked today (my day was long and involved Christmas lights, garland, and floral wire) and went over to my in-laws for an eventful dinner of chicken marsala. So good!

Tomorrow we both work and Brandon has class, and then on Wednesday I have my 16/17 week prenatal checkup and lunch and dinner plans while Brandon has work and class. We're also taking of our cats to be spayed and declawed that day. I'm a bit nervous.

The rest of the week is work and packing and trying not to go insane. I'll have to let you guys know how it goes. I'm already tired!

for all the geeks like me

2010-10-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

I am quite easily one of the most awkward people you will probably ever come into contact with. This entry has pretty much written itself several times over in my head the past few years, but now I'm finally sitting down to write it.

Here's the thing. I hate running into old acquaintances when I'm out and about in public. It's not that I don't want to see said acquaintances and see how they're doing. No, it's always nice to catch up outside the world of facebook and social media, but it's crippling to me. Words get lost on the tip of my tongue, and this overwhelming shyness and loss of confidence creeps in, and then I say something totally random. I think it's because I've been reliant on keeping up with people by not actually having relationships (ie. facebook), so I've lost the ability to hold a decent conversation that's not punctuated by something awkward . The people in my current life know me to be the nutty, eccentric person that I am! The people from my past... well, I don't really know what they think of me, and it bothers me when I start to mull over the possibilities. I lose confidence in myself quickly these days. I'm embarrassed to admit that.

Anyhow, I guess shyness and social awkwardness doesn't end with high school or even college. For some of us unlucky ones, it can even follow us into adulthood! I don't know if it's a lack of exposure to people or what over these last few years or working in the degrading industry of retail, but I have suddenly, in my adult years, become very anxious when I'm around people I don't know or don't know very well or haven't seen in years. Again, it has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with me and my own perception of myself. I've run into so many people from my past lately! Today, I ran into someone who I didn't mind seeing again and who is very lovely, but I digress... it's always nicer to run into someone when you're not wearing a frumpy-too-big-for-you-maternity-top and have your hair done! (Guess which two things weren't quite on my side.) I always imagined that I'd be a blonde, size 2, gorgeous sex bomb by the time I ran into anyone from my past! Delusional, I think. And then there's the fact that blonde and my complexion don't mix. 'Nother story for another entry, friends.

Pete Wilson, our pastor at Cross Point, had a blog the other day about the way we hide behind and market ourselves through social media. We're one way to those around us, and then we have another distinct internet identity. I'm not talking internet predators or living lies, I'm just saying we want to be perceived differently from our reality. If we're showing pictures of our home, we normally clean it up to make it appear spotless. If we're tagged in unsightly pictures of ourselves on facebook, we automatically go through and remove the tag so we're not associated with the five double chins that so ungraciously appeared. (Since becoming pregnant, I've developed a fixation with my chins. Call it BDD or insanity. Whatever.) We want people to see the air-brushed shell of what we really are. At least, that's how I operate. I don't mean to include the entire population in this ramble. . . this is just me musing. And I can't help but feel like I am sometimes a letdown when you really get to see the true picture. Thanks, society! Or thanks, Jami's bad body image.

I just thank God that I was never one of those people who were bullied or traumatized because I would probably be always stuck in the past and watching my every move. I would always have an internal monologue going. We watched You Again tonight for Grace Group. (Not the best movie choice, but whatever...) I cringed the entire time and thanked God that most of my school experience was fun and care-free!

Anyhow, this was just a freebie for you. I know every single person out there has awkward moments from time to time. And it makes the moments awkward, not us. :)

Seriously. I am Ugly Betty!

100th post/belly pics/ maternity fashions modeled by moi/ random pictures from Brandon's camera ;)

2010-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well, in honor of it being my 100th post on my public blog, (This blog existed before and was available to a limited few!) I decided to treat you guys with--erm, make you suffer through some belly pictures and a maternity fashion show, compliments of my mother-in-law who graciously took me shopping yesterday morning after hearing about my Sunday morning meltdown. :)

Basically, I didn't have anything to cover my gut and my one pair of maternity jeans were in the laundry so I stayed home from church and felt sorry for myself. So... insert my mother-in-law, a Kohl's coupon, and an hour of nonstop pregnancy fashions! An hour later, I was a new woman who didn't feel quite as frumpy and pitiful.

It was a great day before my body decided to reject everything I put in my mouth. :/

Surprise, nausea! I guess you're not over yet!

On to the fun! (Please pretend my hair and makeup are amazing, and I don't look like I've worked a nine hour day.)

I love how empire waist shirts make you look even more pregnant!

I don't know what happened to this picture below. I guess I accidentally edited it? Haha!

The one below is actually a dress that I plan on wearing with tights! So cute!

And down below is the eight week difference in belly (and face!). I was eight weeks and starting to bloat in the second one. Jeans still fit. First one is tonight, almost 16 weeks! Really starting to pop I think!

Below, before we were pregnant in Atlanta! :) Miss the nondouble chin!

2010-10-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't posted about this yet because I didn't want to jinx it. We bought a house! It's not completely a done deal because we haven't gotten the sellers' signatures, but that should happen tomorrow. When all is said and done and official, I will post pictures. Hopefully, I will have some pictures of my own soon and not listing photos. When you post listing photos, the address of the house comes up in a google search and links to your blog, fyi.

That means that I have to put my big girl shoes on and work on decluttering and packing up the rental house. We have some small repairs to do, and it feels a bit overwhelming with our busier schedules, colder weather, and minor pregnancy complications getting in the way. When I say complications, I don't mean true complications. I mean migraines interfering with well-meaning plans to gut kitchen cabinets, nausea ruining the best of intentions when it comes to finishing multiple loads of laundry, and your typical, run-of-the-mill fatigue and swelling of the feet.

A tylenol and bowl of ice cream later, I think I am feeling a little more up to the task. I'm incredibly excited yet filled with more than a fair share of nerves. This is truly the busiest, most draining time of year for a lot of people, and I hope that, despite fatigue and stress, we're able to come out of this alive and still loving each other. I find myself overwhelmed when I think of all the projects in addition to both our jobs and Brandon's school.

In other news, I hate going downstairs to do laundry in the cold, smelly, spidery basement.

I am so thankful that "our" house has a laundry hookup upstairs and down the hall from the master bedroom.

In other other news, I am going maternity clothes shopping on Tuesday. I didn't go to church with Brandon this morning because I couldn't find anything in my closet that still fit okay! This lower belly is popping, and it's not all that attractive when crammed into my mediums and larges!

Newlywed Game :)

2010-09-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Katie's blog, Cleared for Takeoff and thought it was cute. ;)

The Newlywed Game

Hopefully you guys are familiar with the format of this game.

1. She's sitting in front of the TV-- what's on the screen?

Brandon: Pride and Prejudice.

Jami: I will say that I'm usually watching netflix or bonnet pieces on youtube, so he's half way correct there.

2. You're out to eat. What sort of dressing does she get on her salad?

Brandon: Ranch.

Jami: Ranch.

3. What's one food she doesn't like?

Brandon: Oysters.

Jami: Never had them, but they sound disgusting! So I'll go with what he said!

4. You go out to eat and have a drink. What does she order?

Brandon: Water with lemon.

Jami: He knows me so well.

5. What shirt size does she have?

Brandon: Medium.

Jami: Maybe in the distant past... more like large, x-large, or medium maternity.

6. What shoe size does she have?

Brandon: 8

Jami: 7 1/2-8

7. What's her favorite type of sandwich?

Brandon: Turkey burger from Red Robin.

Jami: Not technically a sandwich, but sure!

8. What would she eat every day if she could?

Brandon: Buffalo chicken

Jami: *gag* I don't think I can honestly think of anything.

9. What is her favorite cereal?

Brandon: She doesn't eat cereal.

Jami: Special K w/red berries

10. What would she never wear?

Brandon: Lingerie.

Jami: LOL!

11. What is her favorite sports team?

Brandon: NJ Devils

Jami: Don't really care for sports...

12. What is something she does that you wish she wouldn't do?

Brandon: Steal the covers.

Jami: I'm guilty as charged.

13. What is her heritage?

Brandon: Cherokee, English/Irish/Welsh

Jami: I guess so!

14. You bake her a cake! What kind?

Brandon: Red Velvet

Jami: I'd eat that.

15. Did she play sports in high school?

Brandon: No.

Jami: HA! I tried soccer and FAILED.

16. What could she spend hours doing?

Brandon: Blogs.

Jami: Addiction.

17. What unique talent does she have?

Brandon: Attracting homeless animals.

Jami: It's true. I did find two of our pets abandoned. The other two were from the shelter and were technically homeless before we took them home.

18. What's her favorite type of coffee?

Brandon: Light and sweet.

Jami: Iced vanilla coffee...

tale as old as time...

2010-09-28T15:27:00.001-07:00

If there is such a thing as a perk to being nauseous and sick all day, I would say it would have to be staying in bed and watching movies on netflix and youtube.

That meant I got to indulge my Disney love for a bit. I saw a commercial last week about Disney's Beauty and the Beast coming to DVD and blue-ray, and it made me think how I haven't seen my FAVORITE Disney movie in a good ten years, at least. Probably more like fifteen. I think I watched it nonstop when it first came out. That means, in my nauseous insanity, I watched the entire movie ten minute clip by ten minute clip on youtube.

I kind of forgot how emotional the finale was, and I ended up BAWLING because of the music. This score is just incredible, and this was back when Disney movies were GOOD. I have to say. . . the stage musical doesn't nearly have the same effect on my emotions, and we all know that I love some Broadway!

I remember my mom taking me to see this in the theatre in 1992.

So good. Want it on dvd to watch with my kids. I actually want them to put it back in the movie theatre so they can have the same experience I did, complete with popcorn and a massive coke that meant numerous bathroom trips in the middle of the movie. I came home and sang the songs for days and acted out the opening scene in my parents' garage with my neighbors and cousins! Sad that I remember that! And I wanted to be Belle for Halloween that year, but the costume was so popular that no one had it, and my mom wasn't at her sewing prime yet! Sad day! I think I ended up being a hobo or a bunny rabbit that year. :/ The next year it got even better, a pumpkin. And the next year, Pebbles Flintstone-- ( And to think I resurrected that 4TH GRADE costume by squeezing my 18 year old college freshman self into that seven years ago!)

This mama's acting like such a LITTLE GIRL with this pregnancy! I hope baby is a little girl because she's certainly getting an overexposure of Disney, froufrou, and classical music.

I heard little girls are the causes of swollen pregnancy faces and excessive nausea and ACNE (GAH!) , but that's neither here nor there.

NOW... I MUST finish laundry. It's very inconvenient to get sick in the middle of the day and fall asleep for a few hours trying to "get over" it. I did manage my grocery shopping ns even succeeded in coming home and putting most of it away. There's still cans on my counter because, despite the lack of food, my pantry is somehow exploding. I have to organize it, clean a sink full of dishes, empty dishwasher, throw something in the crock pot, and finish laundry before Brandon makes it back home. It's not that he's exactly expecting this of me in my current state, but I'm sure he would like a hot meal every once in a while, right? And I sure would like something that resembles a clean house.

BAH, nausea, BAH!

::nervously waiting to hear back about our bid on the house:: I don't want to post pics yet because I'm not sure it's going to be ours. Even though I'm already painting and redecorating that blank canvas of a house in my mind, it's not real yet, and therefore-- I'm not going to break my heart by packing early and buying material for new drapes. Life in limbo is kinda fun, kinda not. It means that I've stopped decorating and rearranging the current house in hopes of packing all of this stuff up. I haven't even dragged my pumpkins and fall decor from the basement. I'm THAT excited. That, and the idea of going down to the basement for laundry is nauseating, let alone spray painted pumpkins, gourds, and twigs. :/

The house we bid on has a laundry closet upstairs. WIN! And while I wanted an actual laundry room, it definitely helps that it's going to be on the same level as our bedroom. Where laundry used to be one of my favorite chores, I now hate it because it means lugging load after load up and down some majorly narrow steps and hanging out in the dark, spidery recesses of our basement. THAT, and our stupid Whirlpool Cabrio's fabric softener jet is clogged, and my laundry just doesn't smell as pretty anymore. I tried doing all the things the representative told me to do, and we're no longer in warranty because the thing's over two years old. *sigh* Stupid high efficiency piece of junk! I have to change our detergent anyways. Tide's making me gag. Too many conflicting smells with the Febreze and the oxyclean and what not. Spare me.

Okay, that was definitely a housewife ramble. I'm going now.

no place like home ;)

2010-09-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

We just put an offer on a house last night, and I am hoping we hear some good news today.

Even if it's a counter offer from the sellers. . .

In other news, I am doing laundry today and making a lunch of turkey burgers and sweet potato fries. Hopefully, I am back to the land of the living and can step out of icky, fast-food land and into wholesome, healthy pregnancy food land.

I don't want the diabetes, you know?

Week 14 Bump Date, abbreviated

2010-09-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

Abdominal Achiness During Pregnancy (Round Ligament Pain)

What causes those pains in your belly — and what every pregnant woman can do about abdominal achiness.

What round ligament pain is: As your uterus expands during your pregnancy, you may experience "growing pains" around the middle. The pros call it "round ligament pain," and whatever you want to call these pangs (no cursing, please), round ligament pain is typically felt as achy or sharp sensations on one or both sides of the abdomen.

What causes round ligament pain: Your uterus is supported by thick bands of ligaments that run from the groin up the side of the abdomen. As your uterus grows (and grows and grows!) the supporting ligaments stretch and thin out to accommodate the increasing weight. This weight pulls on the ligaments, causing sharp pains and/or dull aches in the lower abdomen. Other causes of abdominal achiness include increased blood flow (you've pumped up the volume to nurture your baby) and the buildup of your uterine lining.

What you need to know about round ligament pain:
You'll probably notice round ligament pain more when you change positions suddenly or get up from sitting or lying down, or when you cough. It may be brief or last for several hours (yet another mystery of pregnancy). As long as it's occasional and there are no other symptoms accompanying your abdominal achiness (such as fever, chills, bleeding, vaginal discharge, or lightheadedness), there's nothing to worry about.

What to do about round ligament pain: Get off your feet, get comfy, and stay there for a while! If that doesn't bring relief, or if the achiness crosses the line into severe abdominal pain, contact your practitioner and let him or her know what you're feeling.

Need I say more? That's what I'm feeling, what I'm going through besides "fat face" and the occasional toilet-hugging episodes of the first trimester.

I probably won't post a belly pic this week because I look the same as last week.

fatty mcbutterface

2010-09-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

Remember the good old days when Lyla was fatter than me? I kid, I kid.

She looks like she loves me, right?

I am getting a fat face from this baby.

Genetics were already working against me because I inherited the full face of my Cherokee ancestors, but now I am double-chinning it with the best of 'em.

And I hate it. I've always hated my fuller face. Even when I was slim, I had a full face.

Now that there's a baby in my belly, my face has rebelled against me and probably needs to be donated to science. It's a massive face explosion that has resulted in seven or eight chins, probably closer to ten when I laugh.

If I were an emoticon, this is what I'd look like :-D ) ) ) ) )

Apparently, this sometimes happens. I was hoping and praying for the only outward indication of pregnancy to be the beach ball belly and some amazingly lush hair due to prenatals, but it appears that I am going to spread in more places than I thought possible. Believe me, I am so excited for this baby! The baby outweighs all of the discomforts and ugliness I am starting to feel, but I seriously thought pregnant women were supposed to feel beautiful.

I just feel fatter. And oilier. Seriously. Hey pregnancy, thanks for making my hair greasy and my face explode with random zits and double chins worthy of a Sumo wrestler.

And get this, I'm only 14 weeks. I am SCARED of what I'll be 6 weeks from now at the ultrasound. I am not truly in maternity clothes yet and won't be until I pop. For now, I'm just meandering around in my tight clothes and struggling with the constant annoyance of my belly band.

I'm starting to experience round ligament pain which is a BUTT.

want your bad romance...

2010-09-25T19:17:00.001-07:00

Well, we didn't get the house that prompted the panicked blog entry a few days ago. And when we heard the news, my heart did not explode. I did not break down and throw a tantrum. I was okay. By that time, we had found another house that was "perfect for us". I know you're rolling your eyes.

No one ever told me this would happen so much in the real estate game. I think we're just looking for something that's perfectly not a rental that we can make our own. If it is has custom cabinets and granite counters, that's a plus but definitely not essential to happiness. Because we know THIS girl only spends enough time in the kitchen to EAT.

( My face is enormous. Seriously. Pregnancy face is not my friend.)

On a side note, I follow a lot of Jane Austen-inspired blogs. Austenism is one of my guilty pleasures. I love reading spin-offs, thinking up variations. The Regency time period is my favorite. One of them had a post about neo-Regency hairstyles making a come back on men. I found this hilarious because when I people-watch, I imagine people in Regency era clothing. I know I'm weird. Do any of you do that? It's better than imagining them naked, right? ;) I think of all the various shapes and sizes of people, how their hair would like styled in Regency fashion. . . odd. It's like I'm constantly casting a period film in my head.

But then again, I'm crazy. Have a good night! We're about to watch Four Christmases. :)

Weird, non-edible pregnancy craving: Christmas movies.

out of my control.

2010-09-21T01:32:00.001-07:00

I hate when things are out from my realm of control. I know that sounds really stupid, but I just hate it. There are some personal things that happened yesterday that I won't get into on this public blog, but anyhow. I wish I could control those things, too!

I am not usually an insomniac. I owe all of this bliss to pregnancy, bizarre urges to go to the bathroom, and intense hunger pangs. I also owe this to my house lust for a particular house that I posted about and later removed due to fear of the real estate agency seeing my post.

Apparently if you yank the pictures from the real estate site, it links the house number ( though I didn't list it) to a basic google search of the address. ( I figured this out in my frequent googling of said house.)

So, we're going to put an offer in after our parents take a look at it on Friday night, and I'm terrified that it's going to sell and that we won't get it. I already freaked out because one real estate site looked like it had sold, but I later found out it was one of those generic things that the agency had on their site for any address, like " Just imagine-- your house, sold!" Apparently, it was some form of encouragement, but it caused me to break out in hives and run through the house bemoaning the one that got away. Major meltdown, worthy of any toddler's tantrum, I assure you. I'm pretty sure a demon entered me and I screamed to Brandon, " YOU SAID MY PRECIOUS WOULD BE OURS..."

I'm also terrified that my dad, the handyman of the bunch, will find some major flaw in the house and add his sage wisdom to the decision. And that Brandon will be unflinching in his desire to NOT sink that much money into the house for repairs, to start looking for something easier, etc, etc...lot of nail biting over here. I'm starting to wonder-- if it's such an easy fix, why haven't there been more bites? Every house on that road is selling in the $200k except for the one we're looking at, the big "F".

Basically... a nervous wreck. I don't know if we have the time to move. I know we have a lot of help from both sides of the family and that everything will work out, but I'm just overloaded with feelings about the pregnancy, work, and repairs we need to make to this rental house before we remove ourselves from it.

Also, we have some friends of ours who desperately want to get out of their own house ( bad neighbors) and rent ours for what we're paying monthly. I don't know if we could snag the same deal for them. The only reason we caught this break is that my family and these landlords have known each other for generations. It's not every day you rent an 1800-sq. foot renovated house with a full basement for $500 a month, not in this wonky economy. This was our blessing, and it may still continue to be our blessing if things don't work out. I'm trying to be content, but my house lust is overwhelming me. I think that once you hit the fourth or fifth month of pregnancy, your need to nest is uncontrollable and you'll do anything to bring your baby home to something nicer than what currently exists.

In case you're wondering, I would like to sink about $500-1000 in the rental for repairs. We have to repaint our bedroom due to some sheetrock damage that happened when the roof was leaking. We have to repaint the den due to the paint mishap of 2009 that was not documented anywhere because it was so embarrassing. My mom and I got so sick to our stomachs when we saw that the paint color I had chosen matched the couch exactly. How one does that is beyond my realm of understanding. And then we kept adding white paint to dilute the color, oy vey. Not good.

And the carpet in the den. . . it's berber, and you know what that means. It unravels at the least disturbance (especially the vacuum) . And we have cats, and I'm sure there's a foot of cat hair beneath that carpet despite the amount of vacuuming I do. And the cats are still fully clawed, so there's some damage to door facings due to their need to go anywhere but the scratching post. Nothing that a small hand-sander and trim paint won't handle, but you get the point. And then Brutus ( our dog) has completely scratched the heck out of the back door. That needs to be sanded and repainted. Just a lot of minor repairs that add up to money. I think Brandon wants to sit down and talk to the landlords about the carpet. I'm the sort that doesn't want to talk, just replace aka I'm driving him insane.

Anyhow, I just had to get that off my chest so I could go back to sleep without making Brandon hate me. There was much tossing, turning, and whimpering about the house when I thought he was awake. HE WAS NOT AWAKE. I woke him up with my pathetic heavy sighs.

God, please give us this house.

candy corn candles :)

2010-09-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

Don't really have a use for these cute centerpieces this year since we might be moving and won't likely have a Halloween party over here, but I thought these were cute, cheap, and easy!

You just take different sized wine glasses from Dollar Tree, get some cheapy votives, and fill the glasses with candy corn. ;)

You can also take a vase and fill it up with candy corn and caramels.

And take skinny taper candle holders and balance your votives on top. :)

What a cute idea for a party, no? My kind of decorating-- on the cheap.

2010-09-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

Lyla :)

2010-09-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Lyla :)

I update way too much these days.

2010-09-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have massively failed with fluid intake during this pregnancy, so I am trying to make up for it in one sitting. Let it be advised that one should not drink four glasses of water in a row when one has only one bathroom in the house to be shared by two people, one of whom has a nighty ritual of occupying the bathroom for twenty minutes upon arriving home. Ahem.

Because I don't want my baby to be victim to low levels of amniotic fluid, I am drowning myself. And today I actually had broccoli and cauliflower. The cauliflower was disguised as mashed potatoes in the form of a meal lovingly made and delivered by my MIL, but I digress. I happily devoured it, washed it down with a microwaveable White Castle ( I hate myself), puffy cheetos, and ice cream, and decided then and there that some things are gonna havta change...

I feel like I ate so much today. It is awesome to have an appetite back, but someone actually told me I was "showing" today.

Breakfast

-coconut milk and berry smoothie

-bag of blueberry mini muffins

-trail mix

Lunch

-small bag of puffy cheetos

-Chicken Fresco

-raisins

-Broccoli and cauliflower florets with ranch dressing

-Sprite

Dinner

-chicken

-2 pieces cornbread

-mashed cauliflower

-microwaveable White Castle

(This is the point I entered the realm of Chubbydom)

-cheetos

-bowl of chocolate ice cream with banana

I don't know why I feel obligated to post so darn much. I guess this is my way of hanging out with baby right now.

Anyhow, baby and I are going to go curl up and read some Jane Austen and try to down one more glass of water before the night's over...

BUMP DATE: 13 Weeks!!

2010-09-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

It would probably be better for me to wait until Monday to do a 13 week post, but according to my doctor, I'm actually 13 weeks today and up earlier than usual, so I'll do the post now. :)

TOTAL WEIGHT GAINED: Holding steady at the weight I've gained since April, but I haven't gained any weight due to pregnancy--YET.

MATERNITY CLOTHES: In regular clothes still, but I'm probably going to need to go up a size soon.

SLEEP: It's getting better, but I woke up this morning coughing and hurting in my lower abdomen (round ligament pain from where baby's making room!).

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Hearing a strong heartbeat at 158 bpm and Brandon being there for it! :) He looked blown away. It was cool. And then we forgot to whip out the camera phones because I started acting like a fool and crying. . . :)

FOOD CRAVINGS: Well, it was anything that stayed down. I am playing it by ear. Brandon went to the grocery store last night and in my rummaging through the fridge, I have found nothing that appeals to me yet. Stressed out.

FOOD AVERSIONS: The same as last week. Darn it.

SYMPTOMS: Tired, random bursts of energy, nauseous with and without throwing up, thirsty, headaches, round ligament pain. Same irrational fears and vivid dreams. Being able to scope out any and all pregnant women who cross my path and KNOWING how far along they are... :)

WHAT I MISS: Feeling "normal". Now it's normal to have a day-long headache.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: Getting big(ger). Having a healthy appointment on October 13th, the gender scan in November, being pregnant in the holidays, nursery, new house, giving BIRTH, meeting and loving on our baby. :)

WEEKLY WISDOM: Whilst preggo, do not bend over and cough. You will vomit in your hand. 'Nuff said.

MILESTONES: Making it to week 13, woohoo!

13 week belly at 5:30 am. . .

Don't you dare judge my impossibly large arm. :D

I think it's a little bigger than week 8 below. . . Hmmm...

12w5d WOOT WOOT

2010-09-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

12w5d...

Anyone else excited that my doctor has bumped my due date up by 3 days? That means I'm REALLY out of the first trimester. That means nausea may soon go away for good, and I might get some honest to goodness energy.

This is the long and short of my appointment today.

I did not gain any weight. Woot, woot. Thank you, nausea. I have been able to gorge myself this entire month with nothing to show for it.

I had to pee in a cup so they could check my urine for sugar. No threats of gestational diabetes. WOO! I was concerned about this because I've not been the healthiest.

All of my blood work was absolutely normal, but I have not been immunized for chicken pox, something they're going to have to do ASAP as baby is born because apparently getting the chicken pox while an adult is horrific.

We got to hear the heartbeat via doppler, and it was loud and clear! 158 bpm compared to the 164 bpm a month ago. We're thinking this baby might be team blue. . . when the tech left the room, I started my typical routine of fanning myself and crying.

Doctor came into the room and answered some questions for me, said my chance of miscarriage was 2%, if that. WIN! Told me to tell the world. Looks like I'm going to have a healthy baby.

My next ultrasound is at 20 weeks, so some time in November. That will be the gender scan. I can hardly wait. I really wanted an ultrasound today, but she pretty much assured me that everything was right on track. At that appointment, they will be able to see the heart chambers and make sure there's no defects. I'm worried and wary, but I am hoping and praying for a perfectly healthy baby!

She also gave me a flu shot today. Apparently, pregnant women can develop pneumonia if they get the flu. The immune system is not as equipped to fight infection, so this was a highly recommended precaution. And the flu shot has knocked all energy out of me, so I will be confined to my bedroom yet again on my day off. ( I am going to try to stir before 4pm so I can drop all of my "Hoarder-closet-cleaning" clothes off at Goodwill. And I want to clean! And do laundry! BAH!)

Anyhow. . . great news!! Now to change my ticker on the top right of my page. It's no longer accurate, and I want to see the light at the end of this fun pregnancy tunnel!! :)

She wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny preggosaurus gut tankini...

2010-09-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Hahahahahaha....dork.

2010-09-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I ganked this from one of my many Jane Austen blogs. Yes, I am that kind of dork. Elizabeth Bennett's google mail.

Bump Date: 12 Weeks!!

2010-09-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

TOTAL WEIGHT GAINED: I don't know for certain, but at the time of my first prenatal visit, I had gained nine lbs since my miscarriage in April. :/ I don't really feel like I've gained any weight other than typical pregnancy bloat and retention. I've also been pretty sick for the past few weeks, so I probably have lost a couple pounds due to all that fun.

MATERNITY CLOTHES: I buckled and bought a few pair of pregnancy pants on clearance at Old Navy, but I haven't actually seriously worn them out. I'm fitting into my regular pants with the help of a belly band, but I can still fit my belly under my shirts, dresses, and skirts.

SLEEP: Tossing, turning, getting up in the wee hours of the morning to pee, wondering when I'm going to spew.

BEST MOMENT OF THE WEEK: Making it to 12 weeks, for sure!! And knowing that I'll get to see my little guy or gal on the ultrasound on Wednesday. Free dinner at Bosco's tonight with Dr. Josh Axe was another plus, though!

FOOD CRAVINGS: It varies, but I've had a serious soft spot for chicken nuggets for the past few weeks. They're cheap... which means I don't feel like I've wasted a lot when I have to throw them up. LOL! And Pei Wei. . . nomdabomb.com! And Cici's Pizza Buffet... I learned tonight that my eating habits aren't the best, nor is what I'm eating "real food". But it doesn't take a rocket science degree to get that!!

FOOD AVERSIONS: Probably anything and everything considered "healthy". I hate it, but it's the truth. Oh, and tacos, pasta, Which 'Wich, diet coke. . . there are many more that I don't realize until there's a heaping plate of said aversion in front of me.

SYMPTOMS: Parched and dehydrated, throwing up, nausea without throwing up, acne, headaches, fatigue, motion sickness when I'm a passenger. I think pregnancy has amped my need to be the driver in most scenarios. Brandon wreaks havoc on my pregnant sensibilities when he drives!! Ocasionally, I'll have little twinges around my belly button that might be stretching. . .

Vivid dreams, irrational fears, compulsive googling (though partially abated). Then again, the last three are probably regular occurances that have absolutely nothing to do with carrying a child.

WHAT I MISS: Not throwing up bile in the morning upon waking.

WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO: A healthy ultrasound and prenatal visit, finding out the gender, decorating the nursery, holding and loving on our baby!

WEEKLY WISDOM: Do not google SIDS or birth defects or miscarriage statistics.

MILESTONES: Making it to the 12 week. Um, yay!

I realize this isn't much of the belly because of the angle of my computer, but here's belly at week 12!! WOO!! And yeah, I'm trying to make it look like more than what it is. Believe me, I got this much belly when not preggo, but I LOVE my pregnant body. It's coooooool.

say what?!

2010-09-11T16:38:00.000-07:00

So, you know it's a good day when one of your facebook friends, the mother of a newborn, puts this up as her status--

"How come no one warned me about projectile bowel movements?"

LOL!! I laughed so hard I cried, and I'm a little disgusted now. Seriously, though. . . sounds like a party.

House Hopeful

2010-09-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have found the house I want us to buy. It's at the lower end of our price range, and it's almost 2000 sq feet! It's in Mt. Juliet which means I'd be closer to work, and it's closer to Nashville for Brandon and school.

That being said, here's a picture of the facade. I'm not going to put MLS information on here because that would just be dumb in the event that we actually get this house, but. . . here she is in all her beautiful two-story glory.

We're going to try to have a viewing tomorrow afternoon. The bonus is that she's completely vacant. I would love bringing home a baby to this house! No more struggling to get up the front porch! No more house that's not mine. Bring on the paint, bring on the decorating. (Within reason... we'd be on a strict budget for sure.) Anyhow, I'm in love! Isn't she a beauty?

Hoarders

2010-09-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

Hoarders. Do other people cry when they watch this show or just pregnant women?!

I can't breathe. My heart hurts!

cleaning bug

2010-09-09T14:32:00.000-07:00

Yay! It's my day off, and I am feeling fabulous. No more frumpalufagus. Well, I'm still pretty frumpy with no shower yet, but my house is getting cleaner by the minute! That's right. . .

No shower by 5pm?! Eww, girl... you ARE frumpy.

I'm cleaning. And what better motivation than providing you guys with pictures as proof?!

Stay tuned. When I find my camera charger and all's complete, I will post pictures.

hide yo kids, hide yo wife...

2010-09-06T18:06:00.000-07:00

Hello....

I'm just sitting here in the living room being a nauseous little frumpalufagus and waiting for some sort of miracle to creep up on me where I'll start to feel better.

I labored on labor day, so nothing exciting there.

After work, I went to Ross and bought some new sweats to lounge around in. I don't look at regular cute clothes anymore because 1) I can't fathom putting anything around my waist that is not supported by elastic 2) Frumpalufaguses don't usually wear cute clothes.

I am beginning to wonder if I'll get that cool pregnancy glow or if I'll just have this sick pregnancy pallor all nine months.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like this!

.....

Baby Nella

2010-09-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

Cheered up, as usual, by Kelle Hampton's blog. Would you believe that baby's eyes?

What a sweet girl. Can't wait to see what my own sweet one's eyes will be like!

:(

2010-09-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

And, on a completely unrelated sidenote, *headdeskheaddeskheaddesk*

NAUSEA x 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!

Come quickly, second trimester! Make haste, make haste!

Darcy's Voyage Giveaway!!

2010-09-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've entered a giveaway for the new book Darcy's Voyage over at http://janeaustenreviews.blogspot.com , and you should, too!!!

The setting of the beloved, traditional Pride and Prejudice is shifted to the high seas! Should be a fun read by a new author!! :)

Go on, my friends, enter. . . and if you happen to be the lucky winner, please share with me!! :) You know how much I love my P&P, and I know some of you are avid readers like myself.

Nausea, cravings, aversions, side effects, tiredness

2010-09-03T13:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so just to be fair and update you guys. . .
Remember that night that I was having a super awesome pregnancy night and feeling great enough to do my chores and make a pie?

Well, it looks like that is in the far distant past, and I'm back to puking my guts out again.

Seriously, I am ready to be out of this trimester and able to enjoy pregnancy. Not that this little blob inside of me won't be worth all of this nausea and pain in the end. . .

I have finally entered the realm of cravings and food aversions.

Craving: Chicken nuggets, chicken tenders, milk, carrots, salad, potatoes
Averting: Avocado (usually love anything with this), bleu cheese (I'm a buffalo chicken kinda gal, but I cannot handle this right now), pasta (spaghetti, any kind of noodle), 'Which 'Wich (ever since I had one of their sandwiches with avocado, the entire place sounds nasty), Taco Bell ( I usually LOVE anything from there, Arby's ( I usually love their roast beef, jr. GROSS!), Diet coke and regular coke ( I have limited my caffeine intake and usually have about 8oz of coke a day, if that, but I cannot handle diet soda anymore, so I'm having to drink the regular . . . which now tastes like diet to me. I dunno. Water (I'm not avoiding it, but it makes me super nauseous. I can only drink it in the morning or late at night. During the day is a no-go because it makes me sick.)

Weird side effect tastes: Had a slice of cheesecake yesterday and seriously thought it was laced with jalapenos. Had my friend try it, and she did not agree.

Other that all of that, I'm super tired but good. And my house is back to being a comfortable mess until the next trimester. That is all. Wish I could feel good and energized!!

Bring on week 11 and the energy, I say! :)

10w1d and feeling fabulous.

2010-08-31T18:38:00.001-07:00

Dare I say it? The morning sickness has. . . passed???

I'm not counting this morning where I had morning sickness (only because my stomach was empty and I was gagging while brushing my teeth).

Anyhow, sudden burst of energy... and I feel spectacular. I got my second wind around 2:30 pm, and it hasn't really diminished. I was able to go swing by Kroger's on the way home from work, come home and make a pie (yes, a pie-- and notice I did not say "bake"--probably still incapable of THAT, hardyharhar), and now I'm CLEANING my house. I never thought I would see the day when I could do that again.

Anyhow, I'm 10w1d, so I GUESS it makes sense. I'm hoping and praying that this isn't a bad sign. I've asked around and this is where most women start to feel better during their pregnancies and start to actually feel normal and enjoy things again. I mean, I actually wanted to socialize after work. I actually wanted to talk on the phone and see people. PEOPLE. People have annoyed me for weeks. This is amazing.

Of course, this is probably just some temporary pregnancy brain, and I'll get nauseous sometime later this evening when Brandon gets home from horticulture (snicker).

It's amazing what a little normalcy can do for you. I seriously thought I was going to be like my mom and be nauseous for the entire twelve weeks of the first trimester and the next twelve weeks of the second! I have cheated genetics, bwahahaha...

This is the other side of pregnancy depression. It's called MANIA.

Brightened!

2010-08-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

So, to kill you with something sweet. . .

I invite you to listen to what my sweet mother-in-law did today.

Knowing that I am most of the time too ill to do anything besides go to work and come home and sleep these days, she went out and did a quick grocery run for us! It was very humbling, and, at first, I was just a little bit miffed that someone else decided to do the shopping for us. (Whenever someone does something nice for me, I can't take it and have to think of other motives. Does she think I'm a bad wife? Am I so horrible that I can't walk through a grocery store without feeling nauseous? This, that, and the other...)

Anyhow, just a little something that brightened my day. I'm learning to be gracious and trying to think of something nice to do for her when I'm not so miserable. Why is it that everything feels like a monumental effort when you're pregnant? I can't just clean the house anymore. It has to sit there and get disgusting before I do anything about it. And even then, I'm winded before I even stoop down to collect the cat hair in a dust pan. And then I gag at the cat hair.

So. . . now I'm dealing with the insomnia that happens after working an evening shift and pregnantly eating my way through our newly stocked pantry.

Oh, another thing that brightened this little day of mine.

We found out that Brandon's cousin Ken and his wife Janet are pregnant and are expecting three days after us!! Looks like our little peanut will have a ready playmate if all goes as hoped!! I'm so happy for them. I seriously can't wait to compare pregnancy stats with someone I kind of know instead of, well, the internet and all the crazy message boards I frequent. I'm going to have to stay off the message boards. They scare me. As a result of reading posts, I think I'm having a miscarriage every other day. Just not good.

Oh, and something pregnancy-related ( as if this whole message wasn't :P), I HATE DIET COKE MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE RIGHT NOW. HELL HATH FROZEN OVER, AND DEMONS ROMP OVER ALL THE LANDS.

I guess that's good since I really don't need the aspartame, but sheesh. Never thought something I loved would taste like poop.