the post where I bemoan the effects of antidepressants

When a doctor tells you to not stop taking a pill cold turkey, believe the doctor. Let that be the preface to the nervous ranting that's about to take place. As the few of you who actually read my blog know, I've been taking Zoloft since Natalie was about four months old. Give or take, that's six months of a drug in my system. Let it be said that I am horrible when it comes to taking pills. The only exception was when I successfully remembered to take my prenatals throughout my pregnancy. I have more often than not remembered to take my Zoloft and have had great success on it. No weepiness, no extreme terror, no feelings of impending doom. I'm not really exaggerating; these were all real things I felt when I was being tossed through the emotions of postpartum depression. It is real. It is terrifying. Well, we want to get pregnant again. While my doctor has advised me it's safe to be on Zoloft while pregnant, I feel uneasy when I see all of the law firm commercials linking antidepressants and birth defects. I just don't feel right when I watch those. I want this out of my system. And... I had been trying to wean. Initially I was going every other day taking the pill, and then I got brave and decided to skip it two days in a row and then three. This is now day four. I'm up past midnight-- shaking. And what's worse? I can't, for the life of me, find my pills. I remember having them the other night and shaking them for Natalie like a rattle. I stayed at my mom's the other night because I worked a late shift. I'm thinking they're over there, but it doesn't help me right now. I have dug through my purse and diaper bag. I have gone through the medicine cabinet, knowing it's not there. I have paced and laughed out loud like a crazy person. I'm not liking this. Anyhow, there's got to be another way... I don't think I'll spiral into another deep depression because ,surely by now, my hormone's have settled, but I wasn't expecting the dizziness, confusion, and shaking! I have never truly felt withdrawal symptoms. And to make matters worse, we were watching the movie The Unknown with Liam Neeson where he loses his memory and is fighting to figure out who he is. It's nothing but confusion and flashbacks, and it's totally distorting my reality. Funny sidenote: Brandon fell asleep during the movie and bolted upright in bed and asked me why I knew him. Freaked me out. I asked him what he was talking about and he gave me a silly grin and went right back to sleep. Anyhow, I guess I'll get my refills tomorrow and hope for the best. This is weird. I thought I could do it on my own (foolishly), but there's a bit of a dependency here. Anyhow, thanks to anyone who read this messed up retelling of my side effects!

blech blargh blah

What is it with this year? Ever since having a baby, it's like my immune system is failing me... I used to be able to count on one hand how many times I was sick in a year. Never again? Since late November/early December, I have been fighting the same stuffiness and congestion battle. At just around the time I would normally recover, I get it again. The perks of having a baby? I don't know. And then today... I had a lean cuisine for a late lunch and it went downhill from there. I don't know if it was a bad meal, a stomach bug, or what... I just know that I was sick from pretty much 3:30 onward. I was really trying to get over it because there was a five year work celebration tonight complete with steak, potatoes, and a cake. How long has it been since I've had a steak? Oh, probably the night before I had Natalie... anyhow, I got sick twice before Brandon got home with Natalie ( he had taken her to his parents to watch a football game so I could do some laundry or take a nap or catch up on reading, whatever) and was really trying to get it together enough to get ready and leave. I managed to get dressed and have Natalie's clothes laid out for when they came in the door. Brandon showered and helped me to get Natalie ready and her diaper bag prepared. I got sick one more time, sat down, decided to try one more time. Got in the car, stopped to get drinks for the party, collected all the dignity I had left and got sick in the Kroger parking lot... And that point Brandon made the phone call and cancelled us going to the party. He dropped me off at home, ordered me to drink a ton of water, and went back to his parents to watch more football with the baby. I got sick twice more and finally collapsed into a dead sleep. No dreams, nothing, just sleep. I always dream. It was a weird heavy feeling. He and Natalie came back at around 8:30. She fell asleep as soon as she arrived. I had a few meatballs his mom had sent home for me from the dinner she had made, and life's normal again. Just that nagging feeling that something isn't right and I don't feel well. I hate that I missed the party, and I hate that groggy pain in my head. Cannot wait to fall back asleep and wake up feeling normal! Anyhow, how's everything going with my friends? Sorry for the TMI, but this blog will probably be documenting another pregnancy in the near future, so I'm gearing up to share all the fun details again! (ha!) And no-- I don't think today's nausea was anything to do with carrying another baby. It was more like a migraine. :/ And if it was by the slimmest chance ever the symptoms of another pregnancy, I'm in for a fun ride...

nailbiters anonymous

I wanted to add a goal to my list. I want to stop biting my nails. With all the fabulous nail art going around Pinterest, I have been motivated to stop my nasty little habit. I think I've been a nail biter since the age of three or four when my mom accidentally pinched my finger when she was clipping my nails. Apparently it was traumatic, and soon it spiraled into an out of control habit that I'm not even aware of half the time. I just wanted to add that to the list. I know it sounds silly, but this has always been a battle for me. I've tried painting my nails with the nasty tasting lacquer, merely painting my nails, acrylics, etc. Somehow I always let myself down and am left with stubby little nails on tiny little nail beds. Anyhow, here's to pretty fingernails and lots of fun polish colors... we'll see. :)

Addicted to my Kindle

Oh yes, that's right. Me. Addicted to an electronic device. Who would have thought? You practically have to pry this little pretty from my hands at night. I even made a total night owl move and may or may not have purchased a hot pink case for it on ebay an hour ago.

Anyone who knows my previous woes of not wanting a kindle because I "don't have time for one", slap me now. I made time. And I am a junky. So, what have I been reading? Well, it's laughable. A lot of you won't understand. But... here goes. I absolutely love retellings of classic literature, especially romantic pieces like Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre. I love old stories re-imagined, and I'm not talking about your modern day spinoffs, like Bridget Jones's Diary, though that's one of my faves, too. I'm talking about... Rochester-- Jane Eyre told (rather saucily) from Mr. Edward Rochester's point of view. It's a little off the mark if you're a Bronte purist (which I am and, at the same time, am not), but it's definitely an engaging read! I love that the kindle lets you sample books generously. With this book, I was able to sample five chapters. And then I was sucked in. I had to purchase it. I needed to know what happened. So, I'm about halfway through this read. I am liking it. It's gotten to the point where you could say it's a bit repetitive. There are, of course, some things that would never happen, but who am I to judge? It's entertaining and, at times, extremely well written. I love to get to know characters, and this Rochester is definitely a tormented fellow. In other words, I know this is written by a female. :) She states at the beginning of the book that she wrote it largely in response to her appreciation for the BBC miniseries of 2006, so I can just close my eyes and imagine those actors as I read this book. And then it makes me want to watch the movie again. Vicious cycle. Early winter is when I usually pull all of my bonnet pieces and period films out. There's something about cold weather that makes me want to pull up the covers and stay in bed watching costume dramas. We even had the BBC 6 hour version of Pride and Prejudice going while I was in labor with Natalie. I was trying to bide my time before the epidural, but I made Brandon turn it off thirty minutes in because I could not concentrate and NEEDED MY EPIDURAL. So, what else am I loving? I'm loving that my child is sleeping through the night. I'm actually up right now because I heard her stirring and just knew I needed to come downstairs and prepare her bottle. Well, pacifier's back in her mouth, and she's fast asleep. I cannot believe she's going to be one in March. It's just--wow, that went by extremely fast. And now it's almost time for another one. The thought scares me. Are we ready? Can we handle it? I want to stay home if we have two or more, and, financially, it's just not happening. Things are hard. Brandon's finishing up school. I contribute a little bit to our mortgage, but I'm all the insurance we have since Brandon's company is small and doesn't offer it. Could we exist on the one income? All very important questions... I'm also loving my "pre-Spring" cleaning. Later today, when I'm actually coherently moving about, I'm going to take down our Christmas tree and get all of my decorations organized and put back down in the basement. Brandon's going to install Natalie's carseat and free up some more space in our living room, and I think, much later in the day, probably during Natalie's second nap (if I get that luxury), I'm going to shampoo our rugs with my new Hoover!! I really hate carpet. Maybe next year or the year after next, it'll be replaced with something more substantial... Anyhow, let's cap this off with something I'm exceedingly thankful for. I'm thankful for the safety and security of my loved ones. I pray fervently for protection over my loved ones each day, and I am so blessed and thankful to say that we have been kept from harm. When you have a child, it literally is like seeing your heart move around outside your body. You weigh things differently. You think about things more. You break that cracker into that much of a smaller piece, you follow more closely. You drive more carefully. I pray to God for protection, guidance, and strength all of the time. And it never ceases. Natalie is the most precious thing we have, our beautiful little girl. She really is so much joy, and it pains me to think that she will one day experience sin. I told Brandon that it's probably going to break my heart the first time she tells me a little white lie. I know that's silly to think, but right now she's 100% pure! Nothing going on in there but peace, love, and baby thoughts.

Resolution Solution :)

I have really enjoyed reading all of the resolution posts going around blogland. There's been a lot of things I would love to focus on in the new year and for the rest of my life, so I'll jot down my quick list and see how well it lines up with reality. 1. I want to read the bible more and spend more time in conversation with my Heavenly Father. I really have no excuse for not doing this as I work in a Christian retail store. I'm surrounded by several volumes of scripture on a daily basis. I have at least 12 bibles on my shelves at home, and I recently bought a kindle. I think there's free bibles on there as well. And well, being a mom and wife-- I need all the prayer and encouragement and strength I can get! 2. I want to read more books. I really liked my friend Trina's idea of reading 26 books by her 26th birthday. I could probably count on two fingers the books I've read this year (excluding board books to Natalie), and they both dealt with pregnancy or breast feeding! Once more, the kindle should help with this. I'm an amazon prime member, and they have the awesome lending library. I can read historical fiction to my heart's content! 3. I want to get healthy. I know I say this every single year, but I really want this to be the year for me. For us. I need to kick my diet coke habit to the curb and focs on eating real foods. I don't think I need to focus on losing weight as much as I need to focus on shifting my mindset. It wouldn't hurt, thought, because we want to try for #2 in the Spring. Losing weight would help my chances of getting pregnant again as well as contributing to a healthier pregnancy over all. 4. I want to cook more. This goes in line with being healthier. My version of "cooking" last night was stopping by Kroger and picking up a Dijourno Pizza. 5. I really want to stick to a home organization plan. There's a calendar circling around the web that's called Decluttering in 2012, and I almost salivate at the sound of it. I love doing random tasks to create order, and I can't really think of anything better to maintain my home than doing something small and orderly every single day. It's little things like "clean out your makeup drawer"- "clean out your sock drawer". They're all doable, even with a toddler running around. (Oh my gosh-- I will technically be the mother of a toddler in less than three months) 6. Craft once a month. I love to craft, but the problem lies in making time to craft. I need to get an inventory of my supplies and go to town on a project that's fun and not stressful. 7.Learn to sew or crochet. I have more and will continue later. :)

Sprained ankle madness!

Yesterday shaped up to be a pretty hectic day for all of us. I was not really prepared for what happened, but I had been prepared for all the things I had to get accomplished! You see, Brandon told me on Monday night that we would be having overnight guests on Wednesday night. I was in company mode. We had a family thing on Tuesday that carved about five hours out of my day, so when we got home-- I was a cleaning machine. Cleaning sheets, towels, vacuuming, getting the kitchen decluttered, etc. I had to get all of it done before Wednesday because Wednesday was full for me as well. I had Natalie's nine month well visit at 9:30. We got there five minutes late. :/ I blame it on the construction on Mt. Juliet Rd. I hate construction. That's just a sidenote. If you're curious about her well visit, she weighed 22.14 lbs and was 29.5 inches long, off the charts. She got her little toe pricked for iron levels and didn't make a peep. Her iron's low, so we had to call in an iron supplement. I'm stumped on that because there's iron in her cereal and in her formula. Nothing to be too concerned about, but I hate that I have to supplement. Anyhow, on the way back to Lebanon from the doctor, we stopped over at my mom's house because it was her birthday! I had brought her gift and just wanted her to see Natalie really quick before I took her over to her other grandmother's house for the day since I was going to be working. My mom decided to go get us lunch really quick, so I stayed a bit longer. We had our lunch and then I loaded Natalie back into the car. I realized that I had left my drink inside the house and asked if my mom would run back in and get it for me. I followed behind her so she wouldn't have to meet me all the way back at her driveway. And I guess when I was walking, I stubbed my toe. I don't remember much from there, but I fell down and bent my ankle sideways. I heard a loud pop/crack and immediately started screaming to get my mom's attention. I thought I had broken my foot because 1) the pop 2) the immediate sick, hot feeling that came over me. I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my foot at first, and then this searing pain shot up my leg. It was something like I've never felt before, and then I was just writhing on the ground screaming for my mama. It took me a while to get up. I kind of had to army crawl to the steps and then attempt to lift myself up. I couldn't put any weight on my foot, and seconds into the ordeal my foot had ballooned up to double its size, with a big lump appearing on the side of the foot I had fallen on. I could have sworn it was a bone poking through the skin, and I freaked the freak out. My mom helped me inside and I banged my foot against the door which didn't help things. I collapsed in a chair and had her call my boss as I tried to collect myself and not hyperventilate. I kind of turn into a weanie when I get hurt. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but you should have seen my foot. It was bad! In fact, I'll post a picture in just a few minutes. Gross. Painful. My mom and grandma took me to the emergency room, and then my mom dropped Natalie off at Don and Lydia's. I was admitted pretty quickly because of a family friend who worked there. She told them I was her niece. I was wheelchaired into a room, helped on to a table and x-rayed. The techs thought it was definitely broken, but it turned out to be a popped blood vessel ( the crack/pop I heard), pulled tendons (also the sound), and a bad sprain. At the time, my pain level was 7 on a scale of 1-10. I had no idea it would get to 10 before the night was over. I was sent from the hospital with a prescription for two painkillers, one of them that would help me to sleep. I thought that I still had one of them left over from when I was recovering from the c-section, so I wasn't in a hurry to fill them since I just wanted to go home and prop up my foot. They also gave me crutches and an air boot splint. By 5pm, I was searching like a mad woman for the pain pill and realized that I didn't have the high dosage of ibuprofen left. It was the stool softener!! Let's face it, that would not have helped matters! So... I called my mom to come back and get me from home so we could fill the prescription. At that point, I felt like I was being dismembered. My foot was so swollen, and the ice was only making it hurt more. I think I cried from the moment I hung up with her until she got there. It was worse than the labor pains I felt or the pain of an epidural. It was so bad. And I was still trying to get the hang of crutches and our stairs. So....needless to say, we got Natalie, got the prescription filled, and came here to my mom's house. I got out of today's shift at work thanks to my boss's sweet wife and now I'm recovering. My foot is still throbbing and not sustaining any weight, but the painkillers are good once they get into my system. And now... I leave you with this. It's a bit more bruised and nasty looking today. This was taken yesterday right after it was elevated and after x-ray. Speaking of x-ray, they asked if I was pregnant about 50 times before performing x-ray. Made me nervous.

Natalie's Christmas Haul ;)

So I have had an absolute blast Christmas shopping for our Natalie. There's just something so special about this Christmas. We are so happy to have her here, and she's the age where she can be fun and still not destroy everything (the tree, Christmas presents...). :) Also, the wrapping paper will probably thrill her more this year than anything else, so there's a chance we can just re-wrap and give some of this stuff to her for her birthday! I don't believe in having a ton of toys out at once because she gets overwhelmed and not everything gets played with. So, are you curious to see what our little Miss will find under the tree this year? This is more or less for my reference because I have to jot down everything I've gotten her so I can quit spending money! Brandon's orders. Discipline, restraint, all things I need to have. 1. Meowsic Cat Piano

I found this gem almost as soon as I returned to work from maternity leave! I was waking up super early in order to make it to work on time, and some mornings I had enough time to kill half an hour in Target. I kept walking by this toy on my lunchbreak and finally bit the bullet and bought it. I thought that the microphone was one that would record her voice, but it's just for echo purposes. Anyhow, this is pretty much a casio for babies! There's an organ setting, a piano setting, a "meow" setting, samba, etc. Very cute and fun bright colors. Natalie's already played with it because I didn't have the heart to just shove it aside for months. Besides, I wanted to play with it! So far, she's enjoyed it. She likes to bite on the microphone. :) I'm planning on wrapping it and sticking it under the tree, though, because Brandon doesn't know about it! 2. Classical Stacker

At six months old, Natalie still didn't really have any educational toys, so this is my late attempt at teaching her the basics of stacking. Not too exciting, but it plays music and lights up. Babies love that stuff! 3. Dinosaur Ball Popper Thing

This was on sale at Target the day after Thanksgiving, and I thought it looked cool. I think the balls just pop up in the belly of the dinosaur and she has to retrieve them and put them back in. The balls are big enough that she won't choke on them. Looked fun, time will tell. The baby on the box looked like she was having a good time, and the reviews for this product were high on amazon. 4. Picnic Basket

Shapes and manners, colors and lights. All the bells and whistles that go into a successful baby toy!! 5. Mega Blocks-her first blocks!

She also got a couple of Veggie Tale movies, some books, a baby care giftset of lotion and bath wash, and a new hooded towel. I think she's set from us!! And last night her daddy bought her two sets of pajamas! He loves his little girl in footie sleepers. It's hilarious to see the teeny newborn sleepers and then the HUGE 18 month ones that Natalie's currently in right now. It makes me crave a newborn again. And there's no telling what Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins have in store... I get overwhelmed when I try to think of where all of this will fit, but I am so happy for her and the fact that I have a reason to have a toy of baby toys all over the house. She won't be a baby for long, and this time is precious to us. :) Maybe that will help you guys in way of gifts if you have a little one to buy for. Most of this product is designed for babies 6-36 months, so it's a large age range. :)