It's not a guilt thing. It's a desire-of-my-heart kind of thing. She's my first child, and I don't want to miss a moment with her (other than stepping into the next room to write this journal entry). I'm JEALOUS for her. ( I had never understood that part of scripture, God being jealous for us, until I saw Natalie's face.) I actually get BITTER every time she's referred to as someone else's Natalie or is carried out of my arms and into another room. Am I psychotic? I don't want to share her. I get protective, close down, and then I'm no fun!
And I think people, especially Brandon, are starting to feel it. I'm trying to compile a list of preferences that I have for her for her two Grandmas that will be watching her, but I keep hitting walls. I will write something, repeat it a couple of times, and think that it sounds offensive. I am not really in the business of wanting to hurt feelings, but I have my standards.
I can't help but be jealous of the grandmas. I know that's so silly. I feel like eight hours is going to be such a long time away from me that she'll forget me. Will I even make her smile anymore, or will she have to warm up to me after me being away all day? And I WILL DIE if she says "Grandma" first. (I'm convinced that one of them is conspiring for that to be her first word.)
I have a little over a month left, and I am so worried that it'll slip by too quickly. Natalie, stay a baby forever. I love and miss you so much already! Your cry has changed, and it HURTS MY HEART.
SOMEONE COME CRY WITH ME. I'M PSYCHOTIC.
Awm you aren't psychotic! For your list, just make single statements. Don't try to explain, don't try to tiptoe around feelings. If you want her changed every 4 hours, say #1, change her every four hours. And let that be that.
ReplyDeleteYou're never going to stop making her smile. You won't miss anything. The grandparents are such a blessing to her and you.
Going back to work is one of the best things you can do for her right now because it will be providing for her and her medical needs. That is so important right now. 9 hour days don't have to last forever, you can find something less as soon as possible. But don't worry about missing out and her not knowing your face anymore. That will never happen.
My parents worked full time, I don't even remember who I spent my time with, but I appreciated my mom and dad the most, and they never seemed to regret letting the grandparents watch me. One of my biggest life blessings was the care and spiritual guidance of my dad's parents, and there was a TON of tension between them and my mom. See, it all works out. Pray about it, that you can love your baby and find a way to be with her while providing for her and that your separation isn't so devastating.