Resolution Solution :)

I have really enjoyed reading all of the resolution posts going around blogland. There's been a lot of things I would love to focus on in the new year and for the rest of my life, so I'll jot down my quick list and see how well it lines up with reality. 1. I want to read the bible more and spend more time in conversation with my Heavenly Father. I really have no excuse for not doing this as I work in a Christian retail store. I'm surrounded by several volumes of scripture on a daily basis. I have at least 12 bibles on my shelves at home, and I recently bought a kindle. I think there's free bibles on there as well. And well, being a mom and wife-- I need all the prayer and encouragement and strength I can get! 2. I want to read more books. I really liked my friend Trina's idea of reading 26 books by her 26th birthday. I could probably count on two fingers the books I've read this year (excluding board books to Natalie), and they both dealt with pregnancy or breast feeding! Once more, the kindle should help with this. I'm an amazon prime member, and they have the awesome lending library. I can read historical fiction to my heart's content! 3. I want to get healthy. I know I say this every single year, but I really want this to be the year for me. For us. I need to kick my diet coke habit to the curb and focs on eating real foods. I don't think I need to focus on losing weight as much as I need to focus on shifting my mindset. It wouldn't hurt, thought, because we want to try for #2 in the Spring. Losing weight would help my chances of getting pregnant again as well as contributing to a healthier pregnancy over all. 4. I want to cook more. This goes in line with being healthier. My version of "cooking" last night was stopping by Kroger and picking up a Dijourno Pizza. 5. I really want to stick to a home organization plan. There's a calendar circling around the web that's called Decluttering in 2012, and I almost salivate at the sound of it. I love doing random tasks to create order, and I can't really think of anything better to maintain my home than doing something small and orderly every single day. It's little things like "clean out your makeup drawer"- "clean out your sock drawer". They're all doable, even with a toddler running around. (Oh my gosh-- I will technically be the mother of a toddler in less than three months) 6. Craft once a month. I love to craft, but the problem lies in making time to craft. I need to get an inventory of my supplies and go to town on a project that's fun and not stressful. 7.Learn to sew or crochet. I have more and will continue later. :)

Sprained ankle madness!

Yesterday shaped up to be a pretty hectic day for all of us. I was not really prepared for what happened, but I had been prepared for all the things I had to get accomplished! You see, Brandon told me on Monday night that we would be having overnight guests on Wednesday night. I was in company mode. We had a family thing on Tuesday that carved about five hours out of my day, so when we got home-- I was a cleaning machine. Cleaning sheets, towels, vacuuming, getting the kitchen decluttered, etc. I had to get all of it done before Wednesday because Wednesday was full for me as well. I had Natalie's nine month well visit at 9:30. We got there five minutes late. :/ I blame it on the construction on Mt. Juliet Rd. I hate construction. That's just a sidenote. If you're curious about her well visit, she weighed 22.14 lbs and was 29.5 inches long, off the charts. She got her little toe pricked for iron levels and didn't make a peep. Her iron's low, so we had to call in an iron supplement. I'm stumped on that because there's iron in her cereal and in her formula. Nothing to be too concerned about, but I hate that I have to supplement. Anyhow, on the way back to Lebanon from the doctor, we stopped over at my mom's house because it was her birthday! I had brought her gift and just wanted her to see Natalie really quick before I took her over to her other grandmother's house for the day since I was going to be working. My mom decided to go get us lunch really quick, so I stayed a bit longer. We had our lunch and then I loaded Natalie back into the car. I realized that I had left my drink inside the house and asked if my mom would run back in and get it for me. I followed behind her so she wouldn't have to meet me all the way back at her driveway. And I guess when I was walking, I stubbed my toe. I don't remember much from there, but I fell down and bent my ankle sideways. I heard a loud pop/crack and immediately started screaming to get my mom's attention. I thought I had broken my foot because 1) the pop 2) the immediate sick, hot feeling that came over me. I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my foot at first, and then this searing pain shot up my leg. It was something like I've never felt before, and then I was just writhing on the ground screaming for my mama. It took me a while to get up. I kind of had to army crawl to the steps and then attempt to lift myself up. I couldn't put any weight on my foot, and seconds into the ordeal my foot had ballooned up to double its size, with a big lump appearing on the side of the foot I had fallen on. I could have sworn it was a bone poking through the skin, and I freaked the freak out. My mom helped me inside and I banged my foot against the door which didn't help things. I collapsed in a chair and had her call my boss as I tried to collect myself and not hyperventilate. I kind of turn into a weanie when I get hurt. I usually have a high pain tolerance, but you should have seen my foot. It was bad! In fact, I'll post a picture in just a few minutes. Gross. Painful. My mom and grandma took me to the emergency room, and then my mom dropped Natalie off at Don and Lydia's. I was admitted pretty quickly because of a family friend who worked there. She told them I was her niece. I was wheelchaired into a room, helped on to a table and x-rayed. The techs thought it was definitely broken, but it turned out to be a popped blood vessel ( the crack/pop I heard), pulled tendons (also the sound), and a bad sprain. At the time, my pain level was 7 on a scale of 1-10. I had no idea it would get to 10 before the night was over. I was sent from the hospital with a prescription for two painkillers, one of them that would help me to sleep. I thought that I still had one of them left over from when I was recovering from the c-section, so I wasn't in a hurry to fill them since I just wanted to go home and prop up my foot. They also gave me crutches and an air boot splint. By 5pm, I was searching like a mad woman for the pain pill and realized that I didn't have the high dosage of ibuprofen left. It was the stool softener!! Let's face it, that would not have helped matters! So... I called my mom to come back and get me from home so we could fill the prescription. At that point, I felt like I was being dismembered. My foot was so swollen, and the ice was only making it hurt more. I think I cried from the moment I hung up with her until she got there. It was worse than the labor pains I felt or the pain of an epidural. It was so bad. And I was still trying to get the hang of crutches and our stairs. So....needless to say, we got Natalie, got the prescription filled, and came here to my mom's house. I got out of today's shift at work thanks to my boss's sweet wife and now I'm recovering. My foot is still throbbing and not sustaining any weight, but the painkillers are good once they get into my system. And now... I leave you with this. It's a bit more bruised and nasty looking today. This was taken yesterday right after it was elevated and after x-ray. Speaking of x-ray, they asked if I was pregnant about 50 times before performing x-ray. Made me nervous.

Natalie's Christmas Haul ;)

So I have had an absolute blast Christmas shopping for our Natalie. There's just something so special about this Christmas. We are so happy to have her here, and she's the age where she can be fun and still not destroy everything (the tree, Christmas presents...). :) Also, the wrapping paper will probably thrill her more this year than anything else, so there's a chance we can just re-wrap and give some of this stuff to her for her birthday! I don't believe in having a ton of toys out at once because she gets overwhelmed and not everything gets played with. So, are you curious to see what our little Miss will find under the tree this year? This is more or less for my reference because I have to jot down everything I've gotten her so I can quit spending money! Brandon's orders. Discipline, restraint, all things I need to have. 1. Meowsic Cat Piano

I found this gem almost as soon as I returned to work from maternity leave! I was waking up super early in order to make it to work on time, and some mornings I had enough time to kill half an hour in Target. I kept walking by this toy on my lunchbreak and finally bit the bullet and bought it. I thought that the microphone was one that would record her voice, but it's just for echo purposes. Anyhow, this is pretty much a casio for babies! There's an organ setting, a piano setting, a "meow" setting, samba, etc. Very cute and fun bright colors. Natalie's already played with it because I didn't have the heart to just shove it aside for months. Besides, I wanted to play with it! So far, she's enjoyed it. She likes to bite on the microphone. :) I'm planning on wrapping it and sticking it under the tree, though, because Brandon doesn't know about it! 2. Classical Stacker

At six months old, Natalie still didn't really have any educational toys, so this is my late attempt at teaching her the basics of stacking. Not too exciting, but it plays music and lights up. Babies love that stuff! 3. Dinosaur Ball Popper Thing

This was on sale at Target the day after Thanksgiving, and I thought it looked cool. I think the balls just pop up in the belly of the dinosaur and she has to retrieve them and put them back in. The balls are big enough that she won't choke on them. Looked fun, time will tell. The baby on the box looked like she was having a good time, and the reviews for this product were high on amazon. 4. Picnic Basket

Shapes and manners, colors and lights. All the bells and whistles that go into a successful baby toy!! 5. Mega Blocks-her first blocks!

She also got a couple of Veggie Tale movies, some books, a baby care giftset of lotion and bath wash, and a new hooded towel. I think she's set from us!! And last night her daddy bought her two sets of pajamas! He loves his little girl in footie sleepers. It's hilarious to see the teeny newborn sleepers and then the HUGE 18 month ones that Natalie's currently in right now. It makes me crave a newborn again. And there's no telling what Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins have in store... I get overwhelmed when I try to think of where all of this will fit, but I am so happy for her and the fact that I have a reason to have a toy of baby toys all over the house. She won't be a baby for long, and this time is precious to us. :) Maybe that will help you guys in way of gifts if you have a little one to buy for. Most of this product is designed for babies 6-36 months, so it's a large age range. :)

Operation Lose Weight to Get Pregnant Again

So, we've seriously been contemplating adding another little one to our happy little nest. We want to have our babies close together so they can be friends, potty train closely, etc. We basically want to get the sleepless nights out of the way while we're still young and can handle it.

Now, that being said... I am still hovering around my discharge weight from the hospital back in March. I would like to seriously lose about 15-20 lbs before we try for the next one. I am around 175ish lbs. I would really like to be 160 before we start trying again. And I would love to not gain as much weight as I did with Natalie. I didn't know what being pregnant was supposed to feel like, so I used it as an excuse to eat a lot and be lazy and whine. Now I know that won't fly while I'm picking up our house and taking care of a little one. I don't have time to eat a lot. I eat here and there, whenever time allows, and I don't always make the wisest choices because I grab what's quick and available.

So these are my goals. I think we'd probably like to start trying again in January or February, meaning the baby would be due near late November or early-December. I would work up until the day before I had this baby, and then I'd probably just go with another c-section since I don't know what active labor feels like. It would take the guess work out of it, and I wouldn't have drugs pumped into me all the livelong day and be comatose when they brought me my child.

I may or may not breastfeed. It was so hard with Natalie because my milk was delayed and then almost nonexistant. I love the idea of it, but I don't get warm fuzzies from it or feel that I must do this to be a great mom. I think sleep and showers would make me an even better mom, and I just didn't have time for those when I was chained to the breastpump or had Natalie stuck to my boob. I would always dread a feeding because I knew I wasn't giving her enough. I even had to take her to the doctor because she was dehydrated. I am fine with Similac sensitive. Natalie has had mostly that in her system since about six weeks old, and she's a happy, healthy, thriving baby.

I am going to get on medication as soon as I start acting weird. The first time around I couldn't cope with just having a baby. I didn't know what to do, and I felt so lost. I wanted to put out the vibe that I had it all together, but I was really scared and disorganized and terrified to be alone with Natalie. I cleaned around the clock to burn off nervous energy and would get annoyed when she woke up and I was in the middle of a task. Now we're like glue. She goes where I go, and everything's so much better because of her. And zoloft has saved me from insanity.

I have to get on prenatals again, and I need to talk to my doctor about weaning myself off of the zoloft. She's fine with me being on that medication while pregnant, but all of the commercials about birth defects have me a little worried. I am going to schedule a visit to have a long talk with her.

That being said, yay. I'm so excited and glad that Brandon is on the same page.

Other than that, the other thing that I'm excited about are Natalie's first Christmas and planning her first birthday. I'm decided on doing a Minnie Mouse theme since she's obsessed with the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. My mom's going to make a Minnie pillowcase dress, Lydia's going to make a Minnie cake, and I'm going to pretty much be in charge of the table scaping and everything else. Etsy and pinterest have helped in way of inspiration, and I can't believe kids have such cool parties these days! My childhood birthdays couldn't hold a candle to what cool things that go on now!

In other news, Natalie is talking!! She can say "hot" "mama" "nana" "dadda" and "blue". Random assortment of words! She doesn't know the meaning of any of these words; they're just fun to say!

Updating a bit more... :) (and a crazy vent about crafting_

I have an annoucement to make!!!! A rather big announcement!! My macbook, you know, the one that's been dead since 10-10-10, is on its way to being in working order again!! It's a big deal to me, folks. I've been relying on the charity of my parents for internet and ocasionally stealing Brandon's work computer away from him when he's home. It's really made me realize how dependent I was on my facebook connections and blogging. While my blogs were away from me, I had a lot of time to devote to learning to be a mommy... but, I really could have used some blogging action while on maternity leave when all Natalie did was sleep....

Anyhow, I am so excited. I made the mistake of thinking it was going to be a bajillion dollars to fix it, but we looked into it, and it's a free diagnostic and then only $100 to wipe clean and re-install. Wowsa.

So, what's new in our little world? Well, we (Brandon and I) are both working pretty hard. The holidays are always pretty stressful for us and we rarely have time to hang out and be married folks, but we're doing well. Natalie's on her way to being a big girl. I just made the leap and bought her a new carseat tonight-- this one, $120 brand spanking new. This is a $300 carseat. I am pretty stoked. I love Essex retail outlet. Tennessee has a rear-facing carseat recommendation until age 2, so it was a pretty big decision. Natalie was growing out of her Graco infant carrier and killing my arm as I attempted to transport her between grandmothers, so we had to bite the bullet. It was getting to the point where I couldn't put a coat on her because her carseat wouldn't fasten around her. Warmth or live-saving? Why not both? All in all, well worth it for my sanity and her safety.

Also, another big change in our world-- we moved Natalie into her room. We dismantled the crib, gained back our bedroom, and have decided to rely on the baby monitor and pray for the best. So far, so good. A little night waking here and there, but she's mostly a sound sleeper. We usually bring her back into our bed between 4am-and when we have to be up for work for snuggles or coaxing her back to sleep. She's a good cuddler, and I want that to last for as long as she's up for it!

I'm realizing as I write this how many of my friends have never met Natalie. It seems hard to believe that I haven't seen some people for almost a year. And speaking of almost a year, I have about three months to plan Natalie's first birthday party. I'm pretty sure it's going to be a Minnie Mouse theme, but I can't decide if it's going to be family only or if I want to invite our friends. Natalie doesn't really have any friends... lol... I feel bad typing that, but we're not members of a mommy group, don't have a church home where she's made nursery friends (we visit around a lot and the crowd is always different--have not seen the same kid twice!), and don't really know any of our neighbors since our neighbors don't venture outside in the winter months or when we're home! Seriously-- they all disappear inside after 5pm, and that's when we're walking in the door--past 6pm. I'm wondering if it would be rude to not invite them? I don't know the etiquette involving neighbors and birthday parties...how do my local friends feel about a first birthday party? Sorry-- I don't have mommy friends!! I feel so isolated because I work!!

Also, I have realized that a lot of mommies out there are mean and judgmental. I don't mean to be that way myself, but goodness gracious! I have overheard women just tearing each other apart over their parenting skills, and geez-- is it really worth it to just hear yourself talk? Do you really need to validate yourself? Being a mom is hard work, and it would be nice to get encouragement from other moms. I mean, 9 times out of ten, we're the ones feeling dumb, so making us feel even more dumb just isn't cool. And... for all the times I've rolled my eyes at moms not having their stuff together or having the guts to discipline their child, I'm sorry. I understand. I have never yet had to discipline Natalie, but I do not have it together. I am always leaving something out of my diaper bag, forgetting to bring formula to my mom's house, or losing shoes and socks. And... I am always...always...always running late. It doesn't matter what time I leave my subdivision. It doesn't matter if I wake up thirty minutes early or even an hour early-- it's just a fact. I'm always a minute, five minutes, or twenty minutes late. There's always something fun to bridge the gap between the time I'm supposed to leave and the time I actually do leave-- a dirty diaper, a misplaced pacifier, "OMG, did I really just lose the keys I JUST had in my hand?!?!", spit-up in my hair... wow.

Another random thought. I need modpodge. A lot of it. I just want a week of nonstop crafting binges. I always collect supplies to do stuff and then I get home and see my wreck of a house and forget about the fun things because I'm doing laundry or washing dishes or wiping up chewed up baby food from the floor. :) I guess I could let the chores build up for a day or so, but my mind doesn't work that way. I only like to craft when I feel like there's nothing else that can possibly be done to my house... so I never craft. I always clean! And then I collapse into bed and hope Natalie doesn't trigger the baby monitor.

BUT...when my house is pristine and spotless... I have pinterest and a treasure trove of crafty ideas to fall back on. It's like the neverending story of perfection. I don't understand how people do it, like, how do you have all this time and energy to endlessly create these things? How do your homes look like magazines? Tell me! I must know!! All you SAHMs, I'm so jealous I could scream. All I want to do is stay at home and learn to be domestic... and craft, and clean, and homeschool... and can things and then distribute my canned jams and apple butters as Christmas gifts... tied with burlap and a cutesy little tag cut out by my cricut! (You guys have it MADE.}

I have more to write, oh so much more, but Natalie woke up crying...off to tend to her! :)

EDIT: This post was written a couple of days ago, and I am now just getting around to posting it.

I don't think I want to craft as much as I say I do. Okay, here's the thing. I don't think I really like the idea of crafting. In fact, I absolutely hate dragging out supplies, making a mess, and making mistakes along the way. I get frustrated if things aren't perfect the first time I attempt them. That's why I have never finished anything in my life. I flutter around liking the "IDEA" of things until I attempt them. Example: Everybody and their mama has an etsy shop. I don't. I don't actually have time for one, but what the heck-- looks fun, could make a buck, how hard can it be? HARD. Pretty crazy hard if you a. don't know what to make b. aren't good at making it c. just don't have time d. have lost a glue gun (the crafter's staple). I think I just get jealous of peoples' creativity and attempt to mimic them (imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery, you know). I don't know, maybe concentrating on making a meal for my husband or reading a good book would be a good way to unwind... instead of making my blood pressure go through the roof by not being able to paint on an ornament or glue a fabric rosette to a frame.

Eh-- have you just ever had one of those days? I think I go through periods of wanting to find myself creativity and then make a mistake and whirl into a depression? You see, I find myself to be an artist at heart, and that's why this matters to me. I know it's silly. I just don't know what kind of art makes me passionate. See, I have unwritten stories in my head, cool things to make in my mind (never think about those things when I go to the craft store), and a billion different ways to re-do my house... but sometimes...it just doesn't even matter.

Anyways, just had to vent somewhere that I was annoyed and frustrated. And although it's silly, it mattered for a brief moment in time. :)

baby #2

...... :)

Okay, so NO! I'm not pregnant! Not even close. I thought I might try to throw my friends for a loop, but I couldn't lie.

Anyhow, I've been dabbling with the idea of trying for another baby. I'm not satisfied with ours and want a newer model! JUST KIDDING. Oh my goodness, if you knew the extent of pure love and joy I have for Natalie, you'd be scared! I try to downplay my love in polite company, but I would move heaven and earth for her.

My grandma asked me when I would be expanding our family. Coming from the mouth of someone who carried nine babies, you would expect this. She spent most of her 20s pregnant! At first I wanted to wait a while, you know, until Natalie was walking or at least potty-trained. Well, here we are... at the "just about walking" stage. She's pulling up and standing. She's in size 4 diapers and she's my absolute world. Could I love another one as much as I love her? How?! Does your heart grow? Anyhow, just throwing it out there... being HUGE pregnant in the spring works well with me, so maybe we'll start trying again this summer?! AHH!

Happy greetings!

Wow, has it been a while or what? The last time I logged into blogger was September 12th, and it's now November 5th, so yeah...

Being a working mom means staying a busy mom! I promise to try to update more often when (if) things start to slow down. The Christmas season is upon us, and there's a lot to do. I'm juggling 40 hours a week with diapers, bottles, playtime, and meals. I am constantly on the go and barely have time to sit down anymore! I'm hoping my mac will get fixed in the very near future so I can indulge my hobbies of crafting, blogs, listening to Pandora while I clean (oh, those were the days!) and downloading the thousands of pictures I have of Natalie. All of you out in blogland still haven't seen her unless you visit my facebook. And since most of you who read this tiny piece of the web know me in person, you have been spammed with pictures of her since she was inside of my belly! ( I don't feel so guilty about not updating my blog now. *patting myself on the back*)

Well, our Natalie is almost eight months old and sweeter than ever. She's got such a cute personality. She is very reserved and observant, but she has her moments of extreme happiness. She's not crawling yet, and I think she'll walk before she even masters crawling. She's such a happy little girl, and it warms my heart to know she's well-adjusted and experiencing new things every day. I cannot wait to grow our family and have more children, but I adore this sweet time I get with her. She's truly such a blessing, and I could not imagine life any other way. She makes everything so much better!

I have started to like to cook. I know, I know... you're all shocked. I have become more relaxed about our messy house. Our neighbor dropped by the other day unexpectedly, and I didn't go into shock. How nice is that? Natalie, in conjunction with the Zoloft (that's going to be another post entirely, folks), has helped me to let go of SO MANY THINGS.

We are happy, busy, and ragged around the edges. Brandon is working and in school and usually doesn't roll in until 8:00pm. That's when I hand him Natalie and go into busy mode to try to tackle one or two mandatory chores. We are loving our home, and it's starting to feel less lonely and more homey. We have made it ours. Life is sweet.

I have so much more to say, but it will have to wait. Natalie and my mom are meeting me for lunch today! I could not be happier!

Five Month Update ( a bit late, I'd say...)

Natalie,
I blinked and you're no longer a tiny infant. Rather, you're sitting up with barely any help from me and slowly trying to become mobile. It blows my mind to watch you. It seems like each day you're learning a new skill. And that's not just my mommy pride talking. You're really that fast! You keep mommy busy! I love it.

I'm going to touch on things that I will forget if I don't go ahead and mention them here. I can't believe it's almost six months for you and I'm doing this. Blogging is clearly not my top priority anymore. You are, goose! I just want you to know these things if you ever ask when you have your own babies. I guess I thought it would be valuable. You could see how scared I was at the beginning and how crazy in love I am with you. ;)

Mealtime: You are taking your bottle every 3 hours like you have been since around 3 months old. We cannot break you from this habit, even when we give you more milk. I don't know if we stretched your tummy or what, but you demand 6 oz. every three hours except for when you're sleeping. Yesterday, (you're 6 days away from being six months old)we gave you rice cereal for the first time. You were trying to help me with the spoon. You threw little tantrums when the spoon wasn't getting to your mouth quickly enough, and somehow rice cereal was in your eyebrows by the end of mealtime! It was enough to justify a good bath! It's good to know you are not one of those babies who will refuse food. Oh, we've also been giving you frozen peaches in a fresh food feeder because you've been trying to teethe! It's the only thing that soothes you when your gums start to hurt.

Diapers: You are in a size 3. You had your first diaper rash this month. I figured out that there's a lot of acidity in peaches, and your little bottom just wasn't tolerating it. We're good now, though. It only lasted for a couple of diaper changes, and we were back to normal!

Sleeping: You sleep through the night in your crib (in our room) and take two-three small catnaps during the day.

Mobility: You are trying to crawl, but I have suspicions that you might walk before you crawl. When I play walk with you, you don't drop down to the floor like most babies I have seen. You actually don't like to sit. You like to try and stand for as long as you can.

Playtime: I had to get you a few new toys this month because you were getting bored. You outgrew your bouncy chair, so we picked you up a couple of new dollies and a peek-a-boo plane. You are still trying to learn how to make the sounds go off on the plane, but you seem intrigued when I do it. You enjoy playing peek-a-boo with me and hide your face. ;) You smile constantly. You like when Grandmommy chases you around and says she's coming to get you. You LOVE the new walker she bought you and the new bouncy station at Nanny's house. You are too adorable and so fun to observe!


LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

4 month update!

Natalie Grace,
You turned four months old on the 18th of July! Where has the time gone? You are looking less and less like an infant and are quickly on your way to being a little girl. That's how I see it, anyways...

Well, let's see if I can recall all of your stats because you are now on your way to being almost five months old, and Mommy's a little behind!

At your four month checkup, you weighed 15.8 lbs and were 25 inches long! That means you're 2'1"! You were so bright-eyed when we walked into the office, but you grew tired of everything after you were laid down on the scale to be weighed. When we brought you back into the room, you cried (screamed) the entire time. I was so glad that Daddy was with us. Just so you know, he has been to every single one of your doctor visits. What a good Daddy to not leave his girls alone! Unfortunately, you cried throughout the entire visit, even when Dr. Lett came into the room and tried to get you to smile. I lost my hearing while trying to ask her questions and talk over you, and the pacifier was giving you no relief whatsoever. You cried harder after your vaccines and eventually cried yourself out. You were already asleep when we took you back into the car. Afterwards, though, you woke up happy and alert at Cracker Barrel and talked to us the entire time.

Bedtime: You are sleeping through the night most days of the week, but you are kind of teething, so you're waking up more that you normally would. Or you could be in the middle of a growth spurt. We have moved your crib into the room since you have outgrown your incline sleeper, but you usually sleep the last few hours of the night in our bed. You don't like to be swaddled and contained, but you sure love to be nestled close with us! Your favorite thing to do now while sleeping is pull something soft over your eyes and cheeks and drift off. Mommy's too nervous to put you in your nursery. I know it sounds silly, but I like you just where you are. You're my buddy.

Meals: Traditionally, this is the month where we would start you out on solid food, but we are waiting til the six month mark per advice of our doctor. You show an interest in what we're eating, though, and have grabbed the spoon out of my cereal a couple of times. I think you're eager to learn or just eager to put something new in your mouth. Bottles, hands, teethers, and pacifiers can probably get kind of boring. You are now drinking 6 oz of formula every three hours. We are having a hard time spacing out your feedings more than that because you get MAD if you go any longer without a bottle and 5 oz just won't cut it anymore! You watch us like a hawk if you see us with your bottle or mixing your formula. You know what's coming and you cannot contain yourself!

Playtime: You are a wiggle worm. You are now rolling on to your tummy and having the best time grabbing at all of your little stuffed animal friends. You get super excited when we bring out Minnie Mouse. ;) This month we bought you an infant seat to help you with your sitting. I don't know how well you're taking to it yet. You enjoy the outside very much and calm down instantly if you're fussy when we take you outside. Grandmommy(my mom) has a wrap-around porch, and the two of you are always outside or on the swing at her house. She made you belly laugh, but I haven't seen you do it! You've also been on the four wheeler and lawn mower with your Pa (my dad) already. Don't worry, though, it was on the slowest setting. Okay, so you loved it, but Mommy worried. At your Nannie and Grandpoppy's house, you are having fun watching the fishies in their pond. Nannie sings a silly song to you every time you go over there, and you seem to like it.

Clothing/Diapers: You are between 3-9 month old clothing, depending on the brand. You are so long that you have to wear these sizes. I am actually having to shop for you now instead of going through all of your gifted outfits. :) It's fun, but baby clothes are pricey! You're like mama, though, and get your stuff from the clearance rack or on consignment! You are a size 2 in diapers, and I've started buying those at Essex Retail outlet since it's only $20 for a box of 200 or so. In diaper-speak, that's a good deal! I hate to think how expensive diapers will be by the time you have your own babies!
Oh, this month also marks your first "POOPSPLOSION" in public. Let's just say the car was very close quarters as we tried to hurry home to bathe you. You were a stinky girl, and Mommy smelled like it, too! Yuck!
Mommy and Daddy love you more and more each day. You are such a blessing to us, and we can't believe God gave you to us. :)

Turning Point ~Prayer Request

Okay, I am going to pull myself out of the rut here. I have been dwelling in a pit for far too long and need to show my gratitude for a couple of things every now and then instead of focusing on the negative. I tend to get a bit perfectionistic every other week or so and go on a complete self-loathing rampage that assaults my thought life and spills over into my actions. Life is just too short for that. Amen? Amen.

What was the turning point? Well, I was informed last night by my cousin ( an in-home nurse) about a little girl who is only a month older than Natalie who is not doing so well. Her mother's pregnancy was perfectly normal, nothing to be concerned about, but two hours after the baby was born, the little girl began to have violent seizures. Her home was the NICU for almost three months. She is now five months old and has returned to the hospital twice. They refer to it as malignant epilepsy. The family has had to call in hospice. Can you imagine? I asked my cousin the names of the parents, and I think I went to high school with the baby's father. If I did, he was a couple years under me so I didn't really know him. I searched his name on facebook and saw pictures of this precious child hooked up to monitors and LOST IT. I'm tearing up remembering it. My hand flew to the computer screen and I prayed over this baby for a miracle. And then I took inventory of my blessings: the job I don't always love, the husband I rarely thank who still loves me no matter what, the beautiful house that isn't always perfectly clean,the healthy, beautiful, contented baby of ours, cars that run, health insurance, loving friends and family. All of this stuff-- it gets lost in the mix of "if only we had this..." and "if I have to ask you to change the cat litter one more time..." and "WHY AM I SUCH A FATTY MCBUTTERPANTS?"



Really, Jami? Those things I can change.

Some family just had to call in hospice. And I know we can't always be perfect in our practice of gratitude or even fathom what God has done for us, but would it kill us to try and remember once in a while?

Please pray for this family, too, by the way. I know they are seriously hurting. Pray for a miracle. Pray that the seizures would go away. Parents should not have to bury their babies. This little girl belongs in Heaven because she IS an angel, but I pray that her parents can enjoy her for a lifetime. Please pray that they know Jesus. Please give the mother peace. I know the father needs it, too. Deeply. Desperately. A mother's love is different, though. Not more, but different. Nine months of cherishing a baby inside of you. A love that keeps you up all through the night. Please pray. I think their last name is Underwood, but I am unsure.

Thank you.

life life life

First and foremost, I am so glad that I don't actively promote my blog. I know that my blog is public if anyone ever accidentally stumbles on it, but I would hate to think that people tune in here on their reader or remote device just for giggles. Other than my updates on Natalie, this place can be downright depressing! I had aspirations of one day being a crafty mom-blogger, but that phase of life will just have to wait. Besides, I find that there are way too many of those!! It's hard to keep up, and then it's a popularity contest or competition, and I'm just not into that.
Anyhow, what's new our way? Well, we've had quite the week here. On Monday, Brandon and I celebrated five years of wedded bliss (woo!). We didn't really have any plans in mind, so we set about driving into Hendersonville to see if we could find anything to do. There were some shops, but nothing really caught our interest. We went into Barnes and Noble, dreamed about having the money to buy a lot of books, and then drove over to a place called Tilted Kilt for a casual anniversary dinner. When we walked through the door, the hostess was wearing a mini-skirt (plaid) and a baby's shirt. Brandon promptly stammered that Tilted Kilt was not the place for us and we awkwardly excused ourselves. We drove around Hendersonville for a little bit more, going down random roads and checking out the lakefront properties and all the awesome mansions. We had heart attacks at the listing prices and morosely drove back into Lebanon, wondering what in the world there was to do on our anniversary, a national holiday, besides crashing backyard barbeques. We finally settled on getting back on the interstate and driving into Mt. Juliet, unaware of the big fireworks show that was to be put on. When Providence was too busy for both our tastes, we settled on China Buffet. Needless to say, that adequately fits where we are in our lives. The anniversary tradition has gone downhill! We decided to celebrate our anniversary the weekend after next year. :)

On Tuesday/Wednesday Natalie came down with her first cold. I freaked out. I stayed up all night with her and sucked boogers out of her nose; I ran the hot shower in our bathroom and sat on the toilet giving her a bottle and hoping the steam would alleviate her. I squirted saline up her nose and waited for it to do its magic, and at 5:00am, I made a call to my boss telling him that I wouldn't be in until later. I called the pediatrician's office and was told that everything I was doing was right and that I shouldn't probably bring her in unless she had a fever. I dropped her off at my mom's, went to work, got up and went to work the next day and had gotten the same crud she came down with, only more severe!

I went into work both days, but ended up leaving early. I finally got some good medicine yesterday that helped me to sleep off the effects. My mom and mom-in-law were gracious enough to keep Natalie fed, changed, and loved on until I was myself again. It felt like an eternity, and I was sanitizing everything. I didn't want to touch Natalie, so I just looked at her from across the room and missed her. Oh, I also threw up on myself and my car...lovely. :( I now drive the Vomit-mobile. It's cleaned up now and not so bad as it could have been! Thank goodness I was not on the interstate; I would have caused a wreck.

So, now...I think we're back in business!! I still don't feel well, but I am at least well enough to function again. And Natalie is good, stuffy, but good. :)

And the work is never done; I have pee-infested couch cushions on our deck that need a good cleaning in baking soda. Kids, pets...argh... life. But it was good to breathe for a few hours, even if it was a Nyquil-induced coma that saved me from going under!!

.....one of those days, moods, whatever.

New mother neurosis... that's what I have. I figure I'd do a quick update on here just for the sake of updating and filling in the last ten or so minutes of my lunch break. I've been feeling a bit down lately; at first, I called it the "baby blues", but now I'm moving on to something more serious, perhaps a little postpartum depression. It's no fun. Hormones are swinging high and low, and some days I feel like crying no matter what I'm doing! I could be having a GREAT day, but the tears will catch up to me sooner or later. It could very well be my birth control pills, though, so I have officially weaned myself off of them and am going to consult with my doctor to find a new method next week. I don't feel like throwing myself into a wall anymore, but I'm still a bit down and not quite where I would like to be. I've been taking fish oil capsules and need to try working out more. And by more, I mean I need to actually do it.



Natalie is doing well, though. She's being shared between her two grandmothers during the week while I and Brandon are away at work. It's bearable, but there are days where I just miss the crud out of her and want to check in on her every five seconds. She has learned how to roll over, giggle ( got the phone call for that one today), and now she's having a little bit of a runny nose. The runny nose scares me because I am terrified of her getting sick and not knowing what to do, but it's gotta happen sooner or later.

Anyhow, we're alive. Blogging is definitely not my top priority these days, so I just wanted to throw my two cents out into the blogosphere. :) Please pray for me if you're the praying sort.

beautification of the home: yay!

A belated Happy Father's Day to Brandon! He's not in town because he's been in a wedding in Florida this past weekend.

Anyhow, Natalie and I have been staying at my parents' house. Again. What's new? We've been here quite a bit since she was born. It makes it easier, especially since I'm not comfortable staying alone at our house with her at night. I know that our neighborhood's safe and secure, but it makes me feel better to know that someone's right down the hall just in case of an emergency. I'm probably just being neurotic.

Anyhow, with Brandon out of town, I have been pondering on ways to beautify our space and make it more practical for our family. We have a formal dining room that has so far been used as a crowded, messy "library" aka verysmallspacewithtwochairsadeskandthreebookshelvesshovedin. It is very crowded and is pretty much a cat hair paradise. Oh, I forgot. We also have a highchair in there. It's still in its box and one of the cats sleeps on it. Just not feeling it.

I know I am new to the mom game and probably shouldn't be spending my time dreaming up ideas, but this is actually within our budget and something that would bring more organization and SPACE to our home. We are going to get my dad to help us construct some diy built-in bookshelves!! :) There will be one four foot bookshelve on each side of our old desk, which will be re-painted to match the shelves. We will have a little area over the desk to hang a bulletin or dry-erase board so we can keep track of our respective schedules. Brandon will have a work space that won't be on our kitchen table, island, or the coffee table. This will eliminate so much frustration. I cannot stand for piles of junk to build up. I'm always decluttering and moving stuff around, and it's always back the next day or a few days later. Constant battle.

Anyhow, I was just excited and had to share.

First step for us will be clearing out the room and boxing up all of our books. We probably should have left them boxed up from the move in November. With the pregnancy, I couldn't really work on making this house a home. Now I can, and I'm so excited. I am so ready for making our home "ours" a little bit at a time. I cannot wait to have a beautiful view when I walk in our front door instead of looking into the dining room and feeling embarrassed at the clutter!

Three Months Old!!

Natalie,
I cannot believe you are already three months old! These have been the best three months of Mommy's life! You are growing so much and are getting more beautiful with each passing day. No longer a newborn, you are fast on your way to being a big girl. This month your eyes are starting to pop and your lashes are growing so long and dark. You smile more and more and wake up so happy each morning; it makes the transition of me having to go back to work so much easier. Each morning you wake up with a stretch and a smile and coo until you really need your bottle. I had been depending on you to be my alarm clock since you used to have your middle of the night bottle at 2am and another one at 5am, but you have changed your schedule a bit and are going longer and longer without your bottle, five and six hour stretches throughout the night. The other morning I woke up when Daddy's alarm went off around 6:30, and you were down in your sleeper watching the morning news with a big smile on your face. You had not even made a peep!

Stats: You were 12.9 lbs and 24 inches long at your appointment last week! Woohoo! That's already 2 ft. tall! ;) The doctor said you would probably reach my height of 5'6" in maturity or even be 5'7".

Bedtime: We have been putting you to bed around 10:00pm each night. Because Daddy gets home around 8:00pm, we like to have you awake and happy for him. You are fed and bathed and in your PJs (no longer sleepers, but onesies and socks because of the summer) usually by the time he gets home. Some nights I let him feed you because he wants to cuddle. You are always glad to see him when he comes in and really kick your feet when he talks to you. :)

Bathtime: You are starting to enjoy your baths! I am so happy because I would always feel horrible when I saw the uncomfortable look come across your face! Because you are getting messier with age, I like that you enjoy the many baths you are starting to need! You are a spitty girl and are drooling like crazy. If we don't put a bib on you, you are wearing a big drool puddle around your neck!

Feedings:
You have always been an every three hours kind of girl. I get the feeling that you like consistency there. Sometimes we go for four hour stretches, but that's pretty rare. You will rouse out of a deep sleep during the day for your bottle and you are MAD until you get it. It's really the only time you cry unless you get a bellyache from not being about to burp, which, by the way, it's getting harder to burp you. You fuss when the bottle is pulled away from you and aren't content until you have a pacifier in your little mouth to soothe you!

Playtime:
You are now able to hold your head up very well. You have always been good at this, but this month you are GREAT! You enjoy your activity mats and love your bouncy chairs. You aren't so keen on the swing anymore because you get bored. You enjoy tummy time and like to bite on your boppy and suck on your hands when you're in this position. You are starting to roll. It's so funny to lay you on your back because you cock your head in the direction you want to turn and shriek at whatever you see over there. You like talking to the pillows on our bed and have so much to say to them. I wonder what you're thinking! You have a preference for the Minnie Mouse toy that Holli got you. Holli walks our dog Brutus and has brought you sweet gifts from the Disney Store. :) Sometimes Grandma Vicky puts you infront of the tv and lets you watch Handy Manny with all the bright colors on Disney Jr. You go crazy and "talk" to all the kids on that show.

Clothing:
You are in the last of your 0-3 months attire. There are some onesies that still snap between your legs, but they look tight on the shoulders. You are most comfortable in 3-6 month clothes and 6 month clothes from Carters and Target's Circo brand. Today you are actually wearing a 6-9 month onesie that Grandma Vicky bought from a consignment sale. I'm bummed to say that it fits you just fine! I want to tell you to stop growing and stay a baby forever, but I know I can't. :)

Carseat:
You are still in your infant carseat and will probably remain rear-facing for a long time. I have been reading articles and find that it's safer that way for you. I have stopped carrying your carrier into stores because it is so heavy. I think our car seat must be the heaviest one out there. It's heavy even when you're not in it! I will know to go smaller if you have a baby brother or sister one day!

wanting to decorate...

Life is a constant DIY project, at least it is around my house. . . since having a baby, I haven't had the time or energy to salivate over Pottery Barn catalogs or decorating blogs. I'm not sad about it really, but I feel like a small part of me is missing.

Most of my maternity leave, I restricted myself to our upstairs. You see, we bought a new home in November, and it's just not looking the way I want it to yet. The downstairs is a dark, depressing builder beige. I have made what I have work for most of the downstairs, but now I want to put my signature on this house. What I'm using now is what we used in our rental, and we really didn't have the liberty to change things there.

I'm thinking yellow. I'm also thinking we may have to hire painters. Between the both of us, Brandon and I are sloppy painters. I don't have the patience for it, and Brandon drips his paint on baseboards. I want color, but I want color within reason and within our teeny budget.

I don't think I have to tell anyone that babies are expensive creatures. I can put these dreams on hold for a bit longer, but I had to get it out that I miss my little projects.

Oh, other than that. I'm back to work. And it's okay. I didn't die. I thought I would die from not seeing my sweet girl, but I can survive an 8 hour stretch without her. ;)

Missing her already...

I have such a heavy heart right now. In two weeks, I will be back at work and my routine will be changing. I will be waking up around 5:00 in the morning to be at work by 8:00 and will be getting both myself and my little one ready for the day at either one of her grandmothers' houses. I will probably be rushed and frazzled until I get it nailed down, and I will probably cry the first couple of days until it becomes the "norm".

I'm going to have to let go of what I've called the "norm" for almost three months.

I don't know if Natalie will ever read her mom's blog or if blogs will even be around by the time she can read. Who knows? But I would like for Natalie to know that being her mother has been the greatest honor and privilege I've ever had. Even in this short, small amount of time-- I have grown to love in a way that I did not imagine myself capable. My heart breaks at the idea of leaving her, but I know I'm too stir crazy to do this permanently and that I will be providing for her by going back. She will be in the care of her grandparents who love her very much, and it'll get easier over time.

Tonight, though, I just want to cry because I've had her all to myself for these two months and two weeks. I've seen almost every giggle, smile, and cry. I've given her almost every one of her feedings. etc. I wish I could wear her to work!

Anyhow, I just had to jot it down...blah, blah...got to make some more bottles.

2 month update

Natalie,
Hey sweetie! You turned two months old on May the 18th. I don't remember what we did that day, but it was probably raining! Due to some problems with insurance, we haven't had your two month appointment or shots yet (you're probably happy about that), so I don't really know how much you weigh or how long you are. I would assume you are around 12 lbs and probably 24 inches. You are wearing size 0-3 months in onesies and shirts, but you have to wear size 3-6 months in sleepers and pants because you are SO LONG! You're a size one in diapers, but we have a box of size one-two, and you'll be in those pretty soon!

You are almost sleeping through the night now, though you sometimes revert back to your newborn self and wake up every 2-3 hours. I try not to be grumpy, but sometimes I'm comatose!

For the past month, you've been taking a really active interest in your surroundings. You smile and laugh, and you look for your mommy and daddy when you hear our voices in the room. You smile more and more, and I can usually get a giggle out of you when changing your diapers, which, by the way, are STINKY.

You are a growing girl, and you eat about 4-5 oz of formula every 3-4 hours. If you're in a deep sleep, you can sometimes go for 7-8 hours without a bottle. That's mostly during the night. You only go for about five hours when you're cat-napping. Which, speaking of, you don't really cat nap too much during the day. You're too busy checking out the cats, talking to your bouncy chair, or wanting your mommy!

We changed you to Similac Sensitive formula on May 11th because you were getting a lot of belly pains with the advanced kind. You took to this very well and have been spitting up less and less! No more mylicon drops and sleepless nights (well, for the most part).

You don't really enjoy bath time. You get about three real baths a week and two wipe-downs every day, sometimes more if you're especially spit-uppy. We have to get all of the formula from out of your chins. :)

You are such a joy, and I hate that I have to go back to work in a less than three weeks. I have had such a blast with my Natalie! You are precious, but I know you are going to have fun and be so loved by your grandparents throughout the work day. The work day will hopefully go faster because I'm working towards the goal of coming home to you!

I love you, Natalie!

Weight Watchers

I am starting Weight Watchers (again). I want to have the energy to be the best mama to my baby girl, so I need to do something to get back down to the slimmer version of myself from about five years ago. I would also like to look better, but my biggest priority is sticking around and being healthy for Natalie. High blood pressure, high cholesterol, and cancer run on both sides of my family, so...yeah. Not that weight loss contributes to a lesser risk of cancer, but cancer is primarily fought by eating lots of fruits and veggies. That's something I've always needed to work on.

Anyhow, here are my stats. I'm not too embarrassed because I did grow a life inside of me for nine months. I do hope to weigh less the next time I get pregnant, though, because it's more painful the heavier you get! Wish I had thought that one through the first time. You live, you learn.

Highest Pregnancy Weight: 207 (I lie. I weighed more the first few days postpartum because all of the fluid that was pumped into me. This was the highest weight caused by pregnancy-related things, though.)
Current: 180
Goal: 150ish or less, depending on how I feel.
YAY!

PSYCHO MOMMY RANT

This is my 150th post. Too bad it has to be a sad one. Okay, I am so not ready to return to work. I know I'm one of the lucky ones that got twelve weeks of maternity leave, but it's not enough time for me. I am begging and pleading with God that he let me stay home with my baby girl. Maybe I have royal blood or something. Maybe I'll find a lottery ticket. Maybe there will be a mistake and we've paid too much on insurance and get a check back from the hospital. I cannot do this.

It's not a guilt thing. It's a desire-of-my-heart kind of thing. She's my first child, and I don't want to miss a moment with her (other than stepping into the next room to write this journal entry). I'm JEALOUS for her. ( I had never understood that part of scripture, God being jealous for us, until I saw Natalie's face.) I actually get BITTER every time she's referred to as someone else's Natalie or is carried out of my arms and into another room. Am I psychotic? I don't want to share her. I get protective, close down, and then I'm no fun!

And I think people, especially Brandon, are starting to feel it. I'm trying to compile a list of preferences that I have for her for her two Grandmas that will be watching her, but I keep hitting walls. I will write something, repeat it a couple of times, and think that it sounds offensive. I am not really in the business of wanting to hurt feelings, but I have my standards.

I can't help but be jealous of the grandmas. I know that's so silly. I feel like eight hours is going to be such a long time away from me that she'll forget me. Will I even make her smile anymore, or will she have to warm up to me after me being away all day? And I WILL DIE if she says "Grandma" first. (I'm convinced that one of them is conspiring for that to be her first word.)

I have a little over a month left, and I am so worried that it'll slip by too quickly. Natalie, stay a baby forever. I love and miss you so much already! Your cry has changed, and it HURTS MY HEART.

SOMEONE COME CRY WITH ME. I'M PSYCHOTIC.

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For Natalie: One Month Old

Well, Natalie, I got a little premature with my timing and thought you were a month old on Friday, but then I realized that only made you four weeks old. You're NOW one month old, and I cannot believe this month has flown by so quickly. It seems like yesterday that I was still waiting to go on maternity leave. I only have eight weeks at home with you, and that makes me sad. I wish I could stay home with you forever! You are so sweet, and I'm afraid I'm going to miss so much once I return to work.

You are approximately 22.5 inches long now and are about 9.5 lbs. This is the weight we thought you were going to be if you came at or after your due date. You are definitely not sleeping through the night. We wake up at least three times in the middle of the night, usually only twice for a bottle. You're showing a little bit of personality now and I have to "nestle down" with you to get you into a deep sleep. Your deep sleep usually lasts as long as you're in my arms, and then you're indignant as soon as your little body hits the pack-and-play surface. This results in one sleepy mama whose arms are always falling asleep. I've fallen into the bad habit of letting you sleep on my chest for a few hours each night. While this isn't a problem now, I hear it might be a problem when you won't sleep for your caregivers without being held. We took the newborn napper off of your pack-and-play with hopes that you would prefer sleeping flat on your back and swaddled. You are slowly outgrowing your swaddle me wraps and get really mad if you can't have your hands. You like to suck on your middle finger (haha) and thumb. I let you sleep with a pacifier because it's going to be much easier to rid you of that than of your fingers! So far, you've not given me a genuine smile. You have fleeting sleep grins and gas grins. Just around the time I get really excited to see a smile on your face, I smell your diaper. ;) I'm hearing true smiles come around 5 weeks, so I am really looking forward to that. I cannot wait to be silly with you and to hear your sweet baby giggle. You get really cheeky around 2:00 in the morning. I can't really explain it, but it's like you turn into a little ham. You bob your head around and play "keep away". You also purse your lips and pant. It almost sounds like you're lamaze-style breathing. I know you're not in distress, so it's funny. You also grunt like a little piglet. The sounds you make in the middle of the night take some getting used to. Sometimes you have happy little squeals, and then there are other times you sound like a little monster. It's cute. I will probably never be in a deep sleep again!

You accidentally cooed for me the other day. When I tried to encourage you to do it again, you started to cry. Too much stimulation! Maybe another time. You like your play mat and your bouncy chair, but you have not shown too much interest in the toys yet. I always have to start you off before you notice them. In the mornings, we have a bit of play time after your first feeding and diaper change. So far, I've read a couple of books to you, sang to you " Good morning to you" (to the tune of "Happy Birthday"), and tried to play with your toys. You are in love with the ceiling fan.

You are wearing 0-3 month size clothing now. You were in newborn attire for only a week, and then you had a growth spurt. You are really tall like your daddy and are in the 95th percentile for height. I didn't catch what percentile your weight was, but you are the ectomorph body type with long piano fingers and long toes. I hear that means you'll have a great metabolism! Good for you! Mama's jealous!

I tried breast feeding you, but my milk had problems coming in due to all the medication I was given when I was induced. We rented a hospital grade pump and you had about an ounce of my milk a day for the first two weeks. I wasn't able to keep up with your demands! We finally just transitioned you completely over to formula. You don't seem to have a problem with it. You're eating about 3-4 ounces of formula every 3-4 hours. We are thankful to have Similac coupons! You are not a great burper. Daddy and I take turns burping you because you sometimes take upwards of ten minutes to give us a good one. Sometimes the good ones turn into explosions.

You are a GREAT cuddlebug, though. We love to cuddle with you! Most of all, we love you!! :)

Separated...or is it seperated? I never know these things...

I have an announcement to make, one I'm not particularly happy with...

My baby's growing up, y'all. She lost her umbilical cord stump at midnight. No more having to fold her diapers over, no more ritualistic cleanings with cotton balls and alcohol. I had gotten so used to the routine. Pull her diaper off. Happy baby. May or may not projectile pee while I'm struggling to put another diaper under her squirmy legs. Wipe her clean, yada yada... fold diaper band over, secure velcro. Reach for the bag of cotton balls and alcohol. Put it to her belly button area. Screams of outrage at how cold it is... more soothing, maybe a pacifier, on goes the onesie, happy baby again. LOL.

No longer! We've put the "stump" in a ziploc bag, just a little bit of proof of how she was once connected to me, how I grew this beautiful child inside of me. Me-- just another bumbling idiot, I nurtured a BABY! And while I always gagged and freaked out looking at the "stump", I kinda miss the extra seconds I spent changing her. It's been two weeks, and even her cry has changed. She's getting bigger. She's got, like, three chins. (Adorable on her, not so much on mama.) She's got this thigh chub that's deliciously squeezable, and she's starting to smile. I don't think it's ALL gassy grins anymore. I think it's the real deal! She's gonna have personality galore. It's so fun to witness.

I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. MY. BABY!!!!! I really don't want to go to back to work. I'm hoping Brandon can find a job with great pay and benefits, so the benefits are not dependent on me... I'm hoping and praying for a miracle because when I look at her face, I cannot bear to leave her. I don't mind working part-time, but full-time seems like torture. I'm already compiling a list of rules for her caregivers. They're mostly about when she sleeps because I'm neurotic about sids. Back to sleep, and I want her sleeping area to be in the same room that they're in. I don't really care if it inconveniences anyone. If you want to keep her, you have to play by mama's rules. I kind of don't want to compromise on those things. She's my child. I'm the one who carried her for nine months. I do think I have a say. Anyhow, whew... I get all nervous and bothered about these things. I guess I'm just concerned that my preferred methods won't be adhered to. Going back to work already boggles my mind; I want things to be easy. I don't want to have to worry, you know?

a-z about meeeeee

I promise that mommyhood doesn't translate to me sitting on the computer all day. My little girl is fast asleep, and I'm bored. I don't have any chores taking me away from this, and sometimes blog-therapy is much better than a nap. Besides, I need to get used to not lounging around all day...so, this is a fun thingie I ripped from Katie's blog!

A. Age: 26 on Wednesday-- WHAT? Come again? This year went by way too quickly. 26 sounds so close to thirty. I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up!

B. Bed size: Queen. That translates to "way too small". Hopefully, by the next time I'm pregnant, we will have graduated up to a king. Brandon likes to drape himself across the entire bed, and I'm not much better!


C. Chore you dislike: Probably cleaning the shower or bathtub. Until I found the magic eraser, I kind of depended on our shower curtain to hide all of that junk. Don't get me wrong. I "disinfected" things, but I was never one to go all out ninja on the soap scum!

D. Dogs: Brutus, a collie/St. Bernard mix. aka real pain in the tookus!


E. Essential start to your day: The wailing of a newborn? Does that count?

F. Favorite color: Pink, peach, green?


G. Gold or silver: Silver and white gold. Yellow gold freaks me out.

H. Height: 5′ 6"


I. Instruments you play(ed): I had voice lessons for six years and wanted to be a singer, but I cannot read music that well, so an actual instrument is out of the question for me.


J. Job title: Mommy, wife, visual merchandiser/manager.


K. Kids: Natalie Grace, two weeks today!

L. Live for ______: CHOCOLATE. Just kidding. God ( I guess that's the default that people put for #1, though I SUCK at making Him number one.), Brandon, Natalie


M. Most embarrassing moment: I've had several. Thankfully, I'm not too embarrassed by things anymore. I think the one that takes the cake is the time I had a crush on a high school senior when I was a h.s. freshman and made him this huge "I'll Miss You!" poster and then hand delivered it to him on his graduation day and gave him a big kiss on the cheek and pretty much terrorized him while my mom was snapping pictures in the background. I wasn't embarrassed until I saw the pictures later and saw the look of extreme terror on his face, and then I just felt pathetic. It was mostly shame, not embarrassment. We're facebook friends now, but he's probably still terrified by that memory! LOL!

N. Nicknames: Bab (what Brandon calls me--don't ask)


O. Overnight hospital stays: Only time I've been overnight was when I was a preemie newborn and then when I had Natalie.


P. Pet peeves: When Brandon sits next to me and eats something like cereal or something he has to gulp. So loud. I usually say "shhh" and act like a real jerk until he goes in the next room. Oh, also...when someone's trying to have a conversation with you while you're on the phone. My mom is notorious for starting conversations as soon as I get on the phone or start talking to someone. Like, two weeks or so ago, I ran into an old friend from high school in a store, and my mom kept coming up to me and trying to talk. She didn't get the hint from the "just one second" finger.


Q. Quote from a movie: I don't really have a favorite quote...


S. Siblings: sister, Heather, thirty.


T. Time you wake up: Whatever time the infant screams.


U. University attended: I went to two different schools and am doing nothing with what I studied! Then again, I couldn't even make up my mind while I was there. I admire people who have goals and stick with them. Mine change all the time, and I am never certain what I want to be when I grow up.


V. Vegetables: Cucumbers and tomatoes are great.


W. What makes you run late: My disorganization. I've got to get better with a baby. I'll probably have to start waking up at 4am to be at work at 8am when I'm done with my maternity leave.


X. X-rays you’ve had: 3 or 4? All of this from a girl who's never broken a bone...


Y. Yummy food you make: I make some good spinach artichoke dip. Other than that, I'm not too much of a queen in the kitchen.


Z. Zoo animal favorites: I like the elephants.

mini-update from mommyville

So, I have been staying at my parents' house for a few days, and lemme tell you-- it feels pretty great to have some sleep! I don't think I'm ever going to take sleeping for granted again! I'm going to cherish and cling to the few hours I can get here and there.

Natalie is such a super sweet baby. I can't get enough of her. She's amazing, especially when she's alert! She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror last night when I was giving her a sponge bath, and it was the cutest thing. It's like she suddenly became self-aware and couldn't figure out who that little person was. I know she probably couldn't see herself because her vision is still likely blurred, but it was cute. Of course, I took pictures. Of course, my cell phone's on its last leg so I haven't uploaded them yet... :/

Anyhow, speaking of pictures. If you WANT to see Natalie's entire newborn photo session, the photographer has uploaded everything to her site. heathergravissphotography.com. Go to enter site and then to proofing. The password is Natalie. Remember to capitalize the first letter of her name. Prepare to be amazed by baby girl sweetness!

Anyhow, have a good one!

top 5 for week one!

There's only so much you can do when you have a sleeping newborn beside you who is due for her feeding at any moment. I choose to dwell on facebook, update my blog, and compulsively watch Lifetime. Lifetime has been surprising me lately. There's actually been some good movies on there, Lifetime Original films aside. Tonight, for instance, Bridget Jones was on. Love that movie. I know I had my hiatus from tv for years and am slowly reintroducing cable back into my daily routine (bad) , but I always had a bad taste in my mouth due to my mom forcing me to watch 15 and Pregnant twenty times during my formative years...

Anyhow, I figured I'd do a post on the things that helped me get through Natalie's first week. I'm not going to name the obvious-- diapers, wipes, feeding supplies, etc...

Rather, I'll list the things that I really had NO IDEA about prior to using them.

1. The pack-n-play

We aren't going to put Natalie into her nursery for a few months, so this thing has been a lifesaver. It's mobile, so I can wheel it around our bedroom for a change of scenery. Believe me, I rarely leave our bedroom these days, and this is needed. It has a changing pad and a newborn napper that keeps her snug and warm and that she doesn't mind sleeping in, though I am the mom who is going to spoil her child by rocking her in a rocking chair too much. She gets the hiccups a lot, and I can't bear to have her on her back struggling through hiccups, so she falls asleep on my chest a lot. And I wake up with a sore neck. A lot. Anyhow... love the pack-n-play. It's sooo functional and will only continue to be so.

2. The boppy!

This has been my salvation through trying to nurse. Natalie actually tolerates being on this thing as opposed to the crappy hospital pillows. Trust me, bring your own pillows to the hospital. I only brought one from home, and I regret it. It would have been so much easier to attempt nursing her there with a sturdier pillow.

3. Soundspa machine
I like to simulate the womb for Natalie so I put on the heartbeat sound setting and go about my business aka trying to take a shower before she makes a peep.

4. Receiving blankets

The swaddled child is the quieter child. :) I call them her baby Jesus clothes.

5. Car seat

Although Natalie's only been on two car trips, we have her car seat propped up on the kitchen island as a place for her to sit while I'm washing dishes or cleaning up downstairs. She sleeps really well in there, and I only assembled one of her bouncy seats today, so it's been good to have.

Anyhow, I was going to post pictures, but...someone's a wailing...

baby blues and all that jazz...

Well, I made it through the first week, and I'm still alive. Our little Natalie is precious. I love her so much and I am so thankful for my bright, happy girl who only cries when she's hungry or needs a diaper changed. I realize that's every thirty minutes or so, but, hey, a newborn has her demands.

Along with that, though, comes the fear and the tears. I was hoping that I would not experience the "baby blues" or, worse yet, some degree of postpartum depression, but I can't help but feel like I'm sinking into a rut every now and then. I think it's because I'm confined to our bedroom and to our pack-n-play. (That thing is magic, lemme tell you!) I'm still recovering from the c-section; that brings its own set of woes. I just don't feel like myself. For one, my appetite's not really back. While that could be a good thing, it just bums me out because my lack of energy with the sleepless nights is one thing. Add me not really taking care of myself, and that's another. When my mom's not over helping me out, it's hours before I get a meal. I'm not complaining. I really wanted to try this on my own. Anyhow, let's just say that I poured myself a bowl of cereal a couple of days ago and after a feeding, dirty diaper, wet diaper, sponge bath later-- I had a bowl of soggy cheerios on the nightstand and a screaming newborn-- time for another feeding! And then I didn't want the cheerios.

I really feel good when Brandon's here. It always means that a shower is guaranteed. And while he can't really help out in the feeding department when I'm trying to nurse, he's at least there to hold the baby so I can empty my bladder. ( It's not that I'm incapable of leaving her alone for a minute to use the bathroom; it's just that the sensation to go always comes right in the middle of trying to feed her.)

And that's another thing-- feeding her. I'm at a crossroads. I thought I was going to be a trooper and nurse her. I really want to. It's week in, though, and I'm ready to pull my hair out. With the c-section, my milk's been delayed. I hear it can delay also if you've become very swollen after surgery or an induction. That's me. My feet are still the size of major landmarks, and it's been over a week. Just don't get induced. That's my advice for now. Have that baby on the day God intended you to or just plan a c-section. Yikes. I haven't called any lactation consultants because I'm halfway embarrassed to. I let my poor daughter get dehydrated for a day because no one told me to supplement. And then I found out-- lactation consultants won't TELL you to supplement with formula because they don't think you need to. Basically, they think baby needs to be chained to your breast all day to up your supply. While that's nice and all,it's not very realistic if you ask me and only leads to major frustration and feelings of inadequacy. I haven't really tried pumping because I have only a manual hand pump that I was going to use when I went back to work, so I have to call tomorrow and see if I can rent an electric one. I still haven't given up, but I really want to. I'd feel a bit better. I'm taking some herbs to up the supply--fenugreek and blessed thistle... anyhow, enough about my boobs. I just REALLY wanted to do this for her. The benefits of breastfeeding...wow, when you read about it -- I don't know... just sound a bit better than formula. Not to diss formula, though, because it definitely has its merits when you're in a pinch and have a screaming child in your arms with a stomach the size of a continent and your child looks at you like you're stupid when you shove her against your chest. Seriously. My child cannot eat enough. It's like, hello grocery bill...wow, I'm tired.

And the sleepless nights... wow, they're miserable. I don't mind them because it's worth it when you look down into her sweet "let's play!" face at 2:00 and 3:00 and 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning, but it's beginning to catch up with the both of us, and poor Brandon still has to wake up and go to work in the mornings. I feel bad that he has to change a couple of diapers throughout the night, but I am so thankful for him! He is such a wonderful daddy, and he can calm her down in ways that I cannot. We call it "daddy magic". I'm fine with that. No hurt feelings here. :) Whatever stops the crying...

And,lastly, changed relationships. My mom and I, well, our relationship has only gotten better because I'm depending on her for help and advice and for sitting with the baby while I take a shower. At first I didn't know if I wanted her here, but she has been invaluable. She's helped me with laundry, cleaned my kitchen, mixed formula, vacuumed-- all sorts of things. I've loved having her around. I think she just needed to feel needed. My relationship with my in-laws, though, has been a bit strained? They've had family in this week and have been a bit tied up, but I think there's a little bit of feeling left out. In any event, it's too much for me to process along with the exhaustion, the newness, baby blues, and feeding troubles. I don't mean to hurt feelings AT ALL, but I just have to navigate through the basics of baby care and what it means to be a parent. Seriously, I think it will all be better once I figure out these feedings and kick the baby blues to the curb. Right now, though, like Natalie-- I just want my mama!

At any given moment, I will feel the tears coming on. It could be in the middle of a very happy moment. Any time. Without warning. It happens mostly when Natalie's screaming her head off because she's hungry, but it also happens when I'm holding her and smelling the top of her sweet newborn head. This feeling comes over me and shuts me down. I just cry. I cry because I don't know what I'm doing. I cry because I don't want to hurt her. I cry when I burp her because she's so small and pitiful-looking when I splay her little belly across my hand. I cry at how beautiful she is, and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. I marvel at what God's given me, and I don't want to mess it up. I cry because there's a mountain of paperwork with insurance terminology that I don't understand. I cry when I watch those dateline specials about young girls being abused and mistreated because those girls are some mama's BABIES! I could go on for hours, and I'm getting the keyboard wet just typing this out... so, haha..

The first night that I was in the hospital alone was so hard. Brandon had to work on Monday, the day that I was to be discharged from the hospital, so he went home to sleep on Sunday night. My mom and grandma visited me around 7:00 and stayed until 8:20. I just didn't want to be alone. And then the nurses came in to give me my painkillers periodically, and I sat there alone... without my husband, without my new baby... I just felt so alone. I was watching that "Coming Home" show on Lifetime and crying my eyes out. And then I called the nursery to see if someone would bring in Natalie so I could just see her.. and yeah, then I started crying again because she's so beautiful, precious, wonderful, etc...

Anyhow, wasn't that a good bunch of hormones splashed across your computer screen?

Happier stuff to come, I promise...

Like... we just got Natalie's newborn pictures taken today! I cannot wait to see them!! :)

my sweet girl is dehydrated!!

Breastfeeding is difficult. We probably have to go to the doctor tomorrow morning because Natalie is starting to show signs of dehydration. I had visits from lactation consultants and nursery nurses while at the hospital and really thought Natalie was making excellent progress, but she has had a very minimal amount of wet and dirty diapers since she's been home. She's also pretty much given up on staying awake long enough for a feeding. I made the mistake of assuming she was full and was just a "good baby". Little did I know I was not giving her enough! So, I've been supplementing her feedings with formula for the past few times since my milk has not come in and she's showing little to no interest in the colostrum. After calling her pediatrician and speaking to the nurse and consulting Dr. Google, I have come to the conclusion that she's dehydrated. She was supposed to have 4-6 wet diapers a day by now, and so far she's only had one wet diaper and two dirty diapers. Very frustrating. And her stool is still the tarry black poop of a newborn. It should have been making the transition to mustardy yellow today...

My poor baby! Please pray for her. I don't know what to do beyond try to get her to feed every 2 hours and go to the doctor tomorrow morning. She's been so sluggish; I just hope she's not growing weak. I love her so much. As soon as I found out she could be dehydrated, I started bawling. I didn't know. And no one told me. The nurses told me that the colostrum would provide everything she needed and that she would definitely perk up and show much more interest once my actual milk came in. It could be an after effect of the medications I was given for epidural and c-section. I kind of thought she would "let me know" when she was hungry. This is all the trials of being a new mother, but I absolutely HATE the thought that I could have unintentionally harmed her in any way. My sweet baby...

Anyhow... more to come. Newborns are tough, but she is sooooooo worth it.

birth story:aka I don't know nothing about birthin' no babies.

I think it's safe to say that I was changed forever on Friday.

Anyhow, I wanted to post my birth story before I forgot any of the gory details. ;)

Brandon and I arrived at the hospital on Friday at roughly 5am. I say roughly because we were really running a few minutes behind after making sure the animals were taken care of for a couple of days in our absence. I had already preregistered for admission after one of my regular OBGYN visits, so admitting did not take too long. We arrived at labor and delivery around 5:20 and were shortly admitted to our room where I was immediately told to change into the hospital gown that I've been living in for the past two days. My vitals were checked and two nurses came in the room to administer the iv that would connect me to the pitocin that would work to induce me. ( I had talked to my doctor and settled on induction after some fatigue had set in and we realized that some of Brandon's family would be making a trip from New Jersey before Natalie's actual due date. Unhappy with the idea that Brandon's family might make it in and out of town without seeing her, I came to the conclusion that elective induction seemed like a good idea. Besides, Natalie was full term and my pregnancy had been extremely healthy and normal. My doctor happily agreed.)

Well, we kind of had issues from the start. The ideal place for my IV was my right hand, but after poking, prodding, and having no success (unless you consider a throbbing, bleeding, swollen hand a success) with getting my veins to perk up and take the needle, we had to transition over to the left hand, which made the connection to the IV extremely awkward since the tower was always to the right side of my bed. I ran the risk of disconnecting it every time I turned, so I was on edge and limited in movement. One nurse moved it to the left side of the bed, but when shifts changed, that did, too.

The pitocin worked in actually launching me into contractions, but the fun didn't truly begin until the doctor came into the room and broke my water at 8:00. Ladies, let me tell you this. You will KNOW when your water has broken. I've always been told that it feels like you're peeing on yourself. I walked around the last few days of my pregnancy convinced that it was happening. Well, it feels so much worse than peeing on yourself, not that I'm a pro there, but you know. It's like a continuous supply of warm soup running down your leg until you deliver your child. In short, it was disgusting, and I can go a while without experiencing that again.

At around 9:30 am, I started to wimp out and asked for my epidural. I never wanted to go about this naturally. Too many horror stories mixed in with the good for me! I had intended to go just a bit longer to find out what my pain threshold was. I was dilated to 4 at the time. The anesthetician came into the room and read me all the risks of epidurals as I nodded my head off and agreed to have one no matter what. READ THIS CAREFULLY. Epidurals hurt. It's not that I'm opposed to the relief an epidural can bring about. . . I hear they work wonders for some people. Anyhow, I was having contractions in the middle of my epidural, so I think any longlasting relief was counteracted. I felt great for a couple of hours, but then the epidural started thinning out and I experienced "hot spots", places in one's body that are pretty much immune to the almighty healing power of the epidural. Freaked out, I requested that I have another dosage. The nurse agreed and even agreed to let me have another one closer to active labor so that I would not be in so much pain while pushing.

Well, the day dragged on until 9:30pm with my contractions not really getting any better, progress-wise. They were stronger, and they hurt (especially with the life of the second epidural wearing out, but cervical changes were extremely slow. The nurse was waiting for the doctor to arrive to see what we should do. The idea of c-section was tossed around because I was only dilated to 6. (Epidurals slow down labor.)The doctor did not want to slow down my labor anymore by recommending another dosage of epidural, so she took me aside and assured me that the best option would now be a c-section. I was too exhausted to think too much about it. I had been in some sort of labor for 12 or so hours at that point, so the idea of meeting Natalie outweighed any wish for "just pushing through". I found out later that Natalie was just too big for me to have the old fashioned way. That, and she had her little hand in front of her face, which was helping to "plug the passage". She was also giving herself a bit of a cone head which we really didn't want.

So, the anestheoleogist (who was probably tired of seeing me at this point) was called into the room to get my medication started for the c-section. It was a stronger epidural and some sort of pepcid. As soon as that medicine was pumped into me, an overwhelming fatigue came over my body. I could barely lift my head or talk. My eyes began to grow very heavy. I think I kept drifting into little cat naps while they worked to get me prepped. I remember laying on my back and hearing all the medical jargon and seeing them hand Brandon his crazy looking c-section scrubs. He was talking about saving it for a Halloween costume with the anestheologist. I remember wanting to smack the both of them because I was being pinched and continuously asked if I felt any sort of pain. They were asking me questions that I couldn't answer with anything but a small whisper because the epidural was going so far up that it was paralyzing my throat.(C-section pain medication is supposed to work from the length of your thighs to just beneath your chest.)

When it was evident that I couldn't feel anything, they flipped me from my hospital bed on to the operating table and wheeled me down the hall into the OR. I remember having my eyes closed the entire time so that I would not feel dizzy on the trip. All of the lights were so bright that I could not keep my eyes open if I tried. When I got into the OR room, every one was in high spirits and the radio was blaring pop and country songs. I remember thinking it was so weird that I was having major surgery and the nurses and doctor were talking about their favorite songs and artists.

Everything took place like I had seen it before on "Baby Story"-- the big blue curtain was brought up between my face and the rest of my body, Brandon was positioned in a chair off to the side of me (NOT SQUEAMISH AT ALL-WAS THIS MY HUSBAND OR AN IMPOSTER?!), and people were talking to me through the curtain and updating me on the status of our baby. I didn't really feel a lot of pressure as the surgery was taking place, but they were prepping me with each step, and at one point someone laid across my stomach and did a mighty shove to free Natalie. She started crying while she was still inside of me. I heard cheers and exclamations about her head full of black hair. I struggled to keep my eyes open and squinted when she was rushed past me to the examination table. Brandon was beaming the entire time. He left my side to go take pictures, and that's when the fun really started. I remember trying to call across the room to him about something, wanting to know how big she was or something like that.

When I opened my mouth, I had absolutely NO saliva. I could not swallow. This is what I meant by "fun". I remember growing really panicked because no one had warned me about that. I had chronic dry mouth and felt like I was choking. When Brandon came to my side with the baby, I struggled to tell him that I could not swallow. I think he didn't get it the first time, so I kept trying to repeat myself. He, of course, was in heaven. When he finally saw my ghostly pallor, I felt like I had died on the table. I think I had started to cry, but I really don't remember. I think the anesthetician came around and started patting my head and telling me it was normal and that I was doing so good. I kept asking if I could have some oxygen or something. I kept asking if it REALLY was normal or if I was allergic to my medication. The solution was a cup of ice. She stuck a piece of ice in my mouth, and I started to cough and strangle. It was so miserable. I seriously felt like I was dying and that no one would notice because the concern was closing my incision.

By this time, Brandon had already left the room and had followed the nurses into the nursery to clean up our sweet girl. I remember the blue sheet coming down and being almost completely nude on the operating table, something that surprised me. I also thought that one of my nurses was a girl that used to go to high school with me that was a grade before me. She wasn't. I remember feeling really embarrassed, as if my modesty had somehow resurfaced after the baby was out of me. I was rolled back on to the hospital bed and was actually able to assist them, which they thought was hysterical. Apparently, most people can't even move, and I was scooting around wherever they needed me to. All the while, I still couldn't swallow. I was just trying to quicken up the process so they could start pumping me with the hydration iv. I overheard things like "large loss of blood", " dehydrated", "keep an eye on her", "longer stay". "will need to be checked every hour". I remember being wheeled back by the waiting room where our parents were and mouthing to them that I could not swallow. I had wanted to smile and was kind of trying to apologize that I could not.

When we were actually back in our room, the iv was started on me immediately as well as a pain medication that would dull the afer effects of the c-section and the epidural. I remember apologizing profusely and people looking at me like I was insane. I have since heard that I was the sweetest, most ideal patient (not tooting my own horn, but I had fears of being kind of mean). I don't know if I was having a panic attack or what, but I was so relieved when I was actually able to swallow my ice that I started to cry. I'm sure it had a lot to do with a sudden shift in hormones, too. About fifteen minutes later, they brought in Natalie for a quick tutorial on breastfeeding. ( I had wanted to attempt nursing in that first hour.) The nurse actually undid my gown and shoved her up to me, skin-to-skin.It was the most amazing thing ever, but I felt unable to do anything, much less hold my baby. I remember trying to find the words to tell the nurse that I couldn't do this. I felt like my eyes were rolling into the back of my head with all of the medication and like I still needed oxygen. She assured me that I was not being a "bad mama" after my many bumbling apologies and that I seriously needed some rest, took the baby, and left the room.

Brandon came into the room shortly after they had given me oxygen and checked on me. I went into my hyper-meltdown mode at that point. I could not BEAR the fact that I was feeling so ill that I could not even hold our daughter. I felt guilty. That was when he confirmed the fact that I had lost so much blood and had been in labor for so long before the c-section that my body had gone into shock. All of the lights were turned out for an hour, and I napped, waking up every time I really drifted off and gasping for breath. Even though I had the oxygen, I was having flashbacks to labor in little dreams. Every time I closed my mouth, I had fears that it would not open again.

An hour later, Natalie was brought back in for a second try. It was so much better. It has GOTTEN progressively better, but I guess you can say it was a pretty traumatic experience. I had gone into this with absolutely no fears about labor and delivery, aside from things that I didn't think could really happen to me (like the epidural hotspots)). I had an amazing doctor, one that I love and trust, but it didn't really prepare me for this. I feel blessed to have gone through so many experiences in one day, but I think I will go straight for a c-section next time and HOPE that the medication doesn't go all the way up to my throat.

Oh, I was also unprepared for the pain of a c-section. It is major surgery. I think I always forgot about that since there's a sweet baby involved, and, duh, you have to get her out. But-- yeah, major surgery, including all of the discomforts that are usually involved with major surgery. The first day after (yesterday) , I was extremely swollen and could barely move. My feet, face, hands, THIGHS (WHO KNEW THEY COULD SWELL!?) were double the size that they were the day before. It really hampered all that I wanted to do with my baby, and a shower, of course, was out of the question until I could move on my own without being hooked up to an iv and catheter. It made receiving visitors a little awkward because I was still in my hospital gown and confined to my bed. It also made the nursing process pretty hard because that alone can be pretty discouraging if you don't really know what you're doing. Luckily, I have a great latcher, and the only handicap is me being able to get in a comfortable position right now. A big cut across your stomach can really slow down things for you when you're attempting to sit indian style and feed your baby. :)

Natalie is a beautiful baby. I know people always think that about their kids, but I usually think newborns are a bit... well, you know--shriveled and alien -like. I was expecting to feel the same thing about my own. I just about die every time I look at her, though. She's got this perfect little nose and the prettiest mouth... and this dimple... in her chin. And ah--I'm in love with her. She is so good, too. Already coos and smiles (gas)-- just the SWEETEST thing. Amazing. We really did a good job. God is good. 8 lbs, 4 oz and 21.5 inches of sweetness. :)

So, now... a shower and preparing myself for visitors. :)