the post where I bemoan the effects of antidepressants

When a doctor tells you to not stop taking a pill cold turkey, believe the doctor. Let that be the preface to the nervous ranting that's about to take place. As the few of you who actually read my blog know, I've been taking Zoloft since Natalie was about four months old. Give or take, that's six months of a drug in my system. Let it be said that I am horrible when it comes to taking pills. The only exception was when I successfully remembered to take my prenatals throughout my pregnancy. I have more often than not remembered to take my Zoloft and have had great success on it. No weepiness, no extreme terror, no feelings of impending doom. I'm not really exaggerating; these were all real things I felt when I was being tossed through the emotions of postpartum depression. It is real. It is terrifying. Well, we want to get pregnant again. While my doctor has advised me it's safe to be on Zoloft while pregnant, I feel uneasy when I see all of the law firm commercials linking antidepressants and birth defects. I just don't feel right when I watch those. I want this out of my system. And... I had been trying to wean. Initially I was going every other day taking the pill, and then I got brave and decided to skip it two days in a row and then three. This is now day four. I'm up past midnight-- shaking. And what's worse? I can't, for the life of me, find my pills. I remember having them the other night and shaking them for Natalie like a rattle. I stayed at my mom's the other night because I worked a late shift. I'm thinking they're over there, but it doesn't help me right now. I have dug through my purse and diaper bag. I have gone through the medicine cabinet, knowing it's not there. I have paced and laughed out loud like a crazy person. I'm not liking this. Anyhow, there's got to be another way... I don't think I'll spiral into another deep depression because ,surely by now, my hormone's have settled, but I wasn't expecting the dizziness, confusion, and shaking! I have never truly felt withdrawal symptoms. And to make matters worse, we were watching the movie The Unknown with Liam Neeson where he loses his memory and is fighting to figure out who he is. It's nothing but confusion and flashbacks, and it's totally distorting my reality. Funny sidenote: Brandon fell asleep during the movie and bolted upright in bed and asked me why I knew him. Freaked me out. I asked him what he was talking about and he gave me a silly grin and went right back to sleep. Anyhow, I guess I'll get my refills tomorrow and hope for the best. This is weird. I thought I could do it on my own (foolishly), but there's a bit of a dependency here. Anyhow, thanks to anyone who read this messed up retelling of my side effects!

blech blargh blah

What is it with this year? Ever since having a baby, it's like my immune system is failing me... I used to be able to count on one hand how many times I was sick in a year. Never again? Since late November/early December, I have been fighting the same stuffiness and congestion battle. At just around the time I would normally recover, I get it again. The perks of having a baby? I don't know. And then today... I had a lean cuisine for a late lunch and it went downhill from there. I don't know if it was a bad meal, a stomach bug, or what... I just know that I was sick from pretty much 3:30 onward. I was really trying to get over it because there was a five year work celebration tonight complete with steak, potatoes, and a cake. How long has it been since I've had a steak? Oh, probably the night before I had Natalie... anyhow, I got sick twice before Brandon got home with Natalie ( he had taken her to his parents to watch a football game so I could do some laundry or take a nap or catch up on reading, whatever) and was really trying to get it together enough to get ready and leave. I managed to get dressed and have Natalie's clothes laid out for when they came in the door. Brandon showered and helped me to get Natalie ready and her diaper bag prepared. I got sick one more time, sat down, decided to try one more time. Got in the car, stopped to get drinks for the party, collected all the dignity I had left and got sick in the Kroger parking lot... And that point Brandon made the phone call and cancelled us going to the party. He dropped me off at home, ordered me to drink a ton of water, and went back to his parents to watch more football with the baby. I got sick twice more and finally collapsed into a dead sleep. No dreams, nothing, just sleep. I always dream. It was a weird heavy feeling. He and Natalie came back at around 8:30. She fell asleep as soon as she arrived. I had a few meatballs his mom had sent home for me from the dinner she had made, and life's normal again. Just that nagging feeling that something isn't right and I don't feel well. I hate that I missed the party, and I hate that groggy pain in my head. Cannot wait to fall back asleep and wake up feeling normal! Anyhow, how's everything going with my friends? Sorry for the TMI, but this blog will probably be documenting another pregnancy in the near future, so I'm gearing up to share all the fun details again! (ha!) And no-- I don't think today's nausea was anything to do with carrying another baby. It was more like a migraine. :/ And if it was by the slimmest chance ever the symptoms of another pregnancy, I'm in for a fun ride...

nailbiters anonymous

I wanted to add a goal to my list. I want to stop biting my nails. With all the fabulous nail art going around Pinterest, I have been motivated to stop my nasty little habit. I think I've been a nail biter since the age of three or four when my mom accidentally pinched my finger when she was clipping my nails. Apparently it was traumatic, and soon it spiraled into an out of control habit that I'm not even aware of half the time. I just wanted to add that to the list. I know it sounds silly, but this has always been a battle for me. I've tried painting my nails with the nasty tasting lacquer, merely painting my nails, acrylics, etc. Somehow I always let myself down and am left with stubby little nails on tiny little nail beds. Anyhow, here's to pretty fingernails and lots of fun polish colors... we'll see. :)

Addicted to my Kindle

Oh yes, that's right. Me. Addicted to an electronic device. Who would have thought? You practically have to pry this little pretty from my hands at night. I even made a total night owl move and may or may not have purchased a hot pink case for it on ebay an hour ago.

Anyone who knows my previous woes of not wanting a kindle because I "don't have time for one", slap me now. I made time. And I am a junky. So, what have I been reading? Well, it's laughable. A lot of you won't understand. But... here goes. I absolutely love retellings of classic literature, especially romantic pieces like Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre. I love old stories re-imagined, and I'm not talking about your modern day spinoffs, like Bridget Jones's Diary, though that's one of my faves, too. I'm talking about... Rochester-- Jane Eyre told (rather saucily) from Mr. Edward Rochester's point of view. It's a little off the mark if you're a Bronte purist (which I am and, at the same time, am not), but it's definitely an engaging read! I love that the kindle lets you sample books generously. With this book, I was able to sample five chapters. And then I was sucked in. I had to purchase it. I needed to know what happened. So, I'm about halfway through this read. I am liking it. It's gotten to the point where you could say it's a bit repetitive. There are, of course, some things that would never happen, but who am I to judge? It's entertaining and, at times, extremely well written. I love to get to know characters, and this Rochester is definitely a tormented fellow. In other words, I know this is written by a female. :) She states at the beginning of the book that she wrote it largely in response to her appreciation for the BBC miniseries of 2006, so I can just close my eyes and imagine those actors as I read this book. And then it makes me want to watch the movie again. Vicious cycle. Early winter is when I usually pull all of my bonnet pieces and period films out. There's something about cold weather that makes me want to pull up the covers and stay in bed watching costume dramas. We even had the BBC 6 hour version of Pride and Prejudice going while I was in labor with Natalie. I was trying to bide my time before the epidural, but I made Brandon turn it off thirty minutes in because I could not concentrate and NEEDED MY EPIDURAL. So, what else am I loving? I'm loving that my child is sleeping through the night. I'm actually up right now because I heard her stirring and just knew I needed to come downstairs and prepare her bottle. Well, pacifier's back in her mouth, and she's fast asleep. I cannot believe she's going to be one in March. It's just--wow, that went by extremely fast. And now it's almost time for another one. The thought scares me. Are we ready? Can we handle it? I want to stay home if we have two or more, and, financially, it's just not happening. Things are hard. Brandon's finishing up school. I contribute a little bit to our mortgage, but I'm all the insurance we have since Brandon's company is small and doesn't offer it. Could we exist on the one income? All very important questions... I'm also loving my "pre-Spring" cleaning. Later today, when I'm actually coherently moving about, I'm going to take down our Christmas tree and get all of my decorations organized and put back down in the basement. Brandon's going to install Natalie's carseat and free up some more space in our living room, and I think, much later in the day, probably during Natalie's second nap (if I get that luxury), I'm going to shampoo our rugs with my new Hoover!! I really hate carpet. Maybe next year or the year after next, it'll be replaced with something more substantial... Anyhow, let's cap this off with something I'm exceedingly thankful for. I'm thankful for the safety and security of my loved ones. I pray fervently for protection over my loved ones each day, and I am so blessed and thankful to say that we have been kept from harm. When you have a child, it literally is like seeing your heart move around outside your body. You weigh things differently. You think about things more. You break that cracker into that much of a smaller piece, you follow more closely. You drive more carefully. I pray to God for protection, guidance, and strength all of the time. And it never ceases. Natalie is the most precious thing we have, our beautiful little girl. She really is so much joy, and it pains me to think that she will one day experience sin. I told Brandon that it's probably going to break my heart the first time she tells me a little white lie. I know that's silly to think, but right now she's 100% pure! Nothing going on in there but peace, love, and baby thoughts.