Can't help loving dat man of mine...

So, my sweet guy is sick today! Flu-like, sick. Monosyllabic sick. It's so sad. 

In tribute, I am going to post some of the many reasons why I love him. 

1) He's gorgeous and doesn't even know it. Like, wowza. That's MY hunk of burning love. Back off, haters!

2) He has the most incredible heart and loves Jesus and actively tries to pursue him. 

3) He giggles like a girl when something gets him going. Believe me, it doesn't take much, and then he's on a roll.  And then we're both giggling girls. 

4) He is going to be the best dad because he's a pushover, but it's okay. It's fun to watch. 

5) He is suck a dork, and we have fun being dorks together. 

6) He's generous with his time, heart, money...

7) His voice is like that of one of the gods. Deep, confident, baritone. . . 

8) "You know" is his "um" when he talks. It's his filler word. 

9) He's going to be the reason why my future babies have curls. 

10) He understands Pride and Prejudice. He read it for me and LIKED it. 

11) In the same vein, he's going to the Jane Austen festival with me. 

12) He spoils me. Seriously, great provider. 

13) He changes the cat litter. 

14) He hasn't gotten tired of me after six years. 

15) He does all the lawn work and never complains. 

More to come next time...

YMCA

Today marked my epic return to the YMCA. To my chagrin, there was no fanfare as I walked in the door and handed my card over to the person at the desk to be scanned. I'm always wary when I go to the gym after a long absence. Can they see how long I've had this membership in their computer? Do they know it's been a good six months since the last time I strolled through the door, and that it was probably a good eight or so months the time before that? I make myself sick when I think of how long I've had this membership (since December 11, 2007) and how many times I've taken advantage of it. Altogether, I don't think I've actually amassed two months of activity. I guess I can chalk it up to the cost being 70% of regular membership fees, but nonetheless, I've really wasted it. Brandon threatened to take it away last night if I didn't start going. That was only after I screamed about our netflix membership for a good twenty minutes. (We have had the same movies sitting on our dresser for a month, so we've wasted a month of the membership, pretty much. With redbox being so accessible, we sometimes forget about netflix and see our new movies that way.) Brandon and I shook on it. He would make sure the netflix made the mailbox because he's home all day, and I would get my butt in gear at the gym and make our money worth it. 

Anyhow, that's when conviction set in. I vowed I would go, at least, three times a week. I want to lose the weight, so why the heck not? 

I managed to do 45 minutes on the elliptical today, set at level 9. According to the screen, I did about 6 miles and burned 600ish calories. While I think that's a gross exaggeration of the calories I actually burned, I'm satisfied with my efforts. I had a good playlist and find that I RUN when I'm listening to U2 and do a moderate stroll when I'm listening to Coldplay. Bringing Sexy Back and It's Raining Men nearly brought the machine down, and the lady next to me probably thought I had lost my mind when I started doing some pretty impressive sprints. Ha. :) Just kidding. 

Anyhow, I drove away with my air conditioning blasted and was feeling so hardcore and in shape until I saw the YMCA boot camp outside in the roasting May heat that feels like roasting July heat. They were doing some ungodly type of crunches. That's when I started to feel like a moron living in the midst of a fallacy. 

:D

Pesto for lunch with Kimberly and hopefully a pedicure, some therapy at Dollar Tree, and finding some patio lights on the cheap. I'm thinking of doing something on the curtain rods in our bedroom to dress up the $4 Target sheers. Haha. You have to be creative on a rice and beans budget, but this pedicure has been needed for, oh, probably two years. Yeah, I'm hardcore like that.

That, and I'm going to be meditating today on what it means to live a more intentional life. I have been horrible in some of my relationships. With time slipping through our hands like sand, it's better to invest time in what matters. Simply put, I need to be better at loving people and growing my relationships. This doesn't come naturally to me.  Though a sanguine by nature, I sometimes shirk away at the prospect of putting myself out there. I think I'm slowly figuring out that I'm not as awkward as I think I am and that I have more to offer than I give myself credit for. I'm one of those people who's constantly annoyed at themselves. Seriously. 

Trying to weed out the important from the not-so-important.  Naturally, my creative outlets need to stay. Without them, I think I'd shrivel up and die. While they have changed forms over the years, they're still there. I need them desperately. Reading, writing, crafting, decorating. 

I need to be more gracious and more lavish with encouragement. I need to let the people in my life know how I feel about them. If I love them, I need to tell them by actions, not so much words.  I need to get off myself.  At some point I have to realize that my preoccupation with my low  self-esteem is nothing but narcissism. If God has told me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, who am I to question that and wish I looked like this, that, or the other? 

I need to be sincere. Sometimes, beneath the surface, I am a snarky troll.  I need to dismiss my prejudices and just love, pure and simple, even if it's against everything in my body. 

I need to be open to change and movement and God's stirring. I need to help people who are hurting, seek them out and love them the way that I am loved. It could be a stranger, a friend, someone in my family. Pete talked about the prodigal son at Cross Point this past Sunday. We've all heard the story and know the metaphors if we're in the Christian circle. 

prodigal son- lost or new Christians

older son- long-time Christians/excessively righteous people

father- God 

Stricken by the fact that we should be the ones running to find those who are hurting and just wanting to curl up on the porch with my very dusty, neglected bible. 

********

This has nothing to do with this post at all, but I am listening to Brandon (who is very commanding in his speech, wow) talking to a perspective client on the phone in the next room, and I am SO proud of my husband.

 

squee. XD

Dorkiest happy dance in all the lands just took place... 

Fat Stats Week One

This is truly embarrassing, but I'm just going to go ahead and be real here. I have never weighed this much in my life, and I feel absolutely disgusting. When I weighed 10 lbs less, last summer, I was trying to lose twenty-thirty lbs off of that weight. Well, we know that didn't exactly happen. I would lose five lbs, feel super great about it, and go out and nomnom at a buffet to celebrate, put four lbs on the next week and just stop trying altogether. 

I had gained about three lbs since the summer from the normal Christmas-time overeating, being less active thing. With the pregnancy, I gained another 7 lbs that just won't even begin to think about budging. I can only imagine how much more I would have gained if the pregnancy had not ended in miscarriage. 

 I'm sure the all-inclusive vacation to Sandals helped that ever so much. :) 

Anyhow, I had success with Weight Watchers six years ago. My freshman year of college, I got near the weight I am now and had an absolute panic attack. If you know any of my history at all, you know weight is a struggle for me. I am perfectionistic when I enter into a diet and soon become OBSESSED. Unfortunately, the last time I was super serious about Weight Watchers, I fell into an eating disorder. 

I'm praying that this won't happen again, but I am determined to lose some weight before we try to get pregnant again. We were going to try again this month, but I just can't imagine gained 30 lbs (or more) on top of what I weigh now. Besides being terribly unhealthy for my height and frame, it would only succeed in making me have more of a complex than I already do. And we all know that would just be awful because my body-image right now isn't exactly up there in ranks of good self-esteem. I am so glad I inherited my mom's fixation on flaws. :/

Which bites... because I've heard that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Just not sinking in when the scale reads the scary numbers. I am worth more than those stupid numbers. 

It's hilarious because I still feel, in my head, that I look like I did on my wedding day. I know that's not reality, but it's a comforting fallacy. 

So, to further humble myself before all of you, I give you my fat stats, as of this morning, May the 24th. 

Height: 5'6" 

Weight: 167.8 big ones. 

Wedding Weight: 135-ish little ones (though I thought at the time I looked like a WHALE, delusional.com)

I will weigh in again, next Monday, at hopefully a lighter weight. We'll see. 

And once I have lost at least fifteen lbs, Baby Dragan will be in the works. TMI, sorry.

And now, I must finish getting ready for my return to work. I expect a parade and fireworks and all that. 

Back in town...

Jamaica proved to be a wonderful vacation yet again, but I am so glad to be home and in a routine. I always love going away and breaking free from the monotony every day life, but I am often anxious to get back to it. Today is devoted solely to catching up on laundry. We came back with a ton of laundry, added to the two baskets of laundry I already had before we left! Good thing I like to do laundry, I guess? :) 

We took a ton of pictures, but I have already tired of uploading them on facebook. Was there ever a more tedious process? I uploaded one batch of pictures, only to have that batch triple, so I had to go back through and delete them. That, my friends, is when I lost all interest and decided to get back to the, well, more practical things... such as:

1) What are we going to eat now that we're home? I have absolutely nothing in my fridge or pantry. Have to go to the dreaded grocery store, also have to find some things for Grace Group on Sunday. ( I confess that I didn't know we were hosting this week!)

2) What are we going to wear?! I feel like we packed our entire closets for Jamaica. Even though we didn't wear everything we packed, we had an accidental explosion of some of my hair product, so there's a lot of clean up to be done there. 

3) How am I going to conquer all the cat hair that collected while I was gone? You may giggle at this, but without us humans here this past week to stir some movement, the cat hair scenario is quite . . . depressing. But I digress...

There are still a ton of pictures to be uploaded from this trip. Brandon took some amazing pictures! I am really proud of him. If I didn't know any better, he's probably taking some photography classes on the side. Mine, on the other hand, all heads and flash and not very artsy. I don't thrive in that way. 

Anyhow, I take my leave of you all and head into my busy day. In case you didn't see this on facebook, here's a picture from our resort photography session. Not too shabby, but I wish I looked like I did on our honeymoon! I scare myself because I am starting to look like a MOM, and I don't have children yet. Grow, hair, grow.

Jamaica, mon.

In Jamaica and loving it. The resort is beautiful, the dirty bananas are plentiful, and my tan line is the weirdest thing you've ever seen! Let's just say there is an outline of a book on my chest from reading my book in the bright Jamaican sun. I'll have to post pictures when I get home. So bizarre!

We don't have WiFi in our room because we decided it wasn't worth the money since Brandon gets all of his work emails to his phone, so I'm stealing my in-laws' right now to pay my cell phone bill.

This is totally the place for a fun group vacation. I know it's a couple's resort, but the Sandals company also has Beaches resorts for non-couples or families. The people here are so very friendly and attentive. It makes me want to stay in Jamaica and just work for Sandals. They've got it so good here! Sun and fun!

On the flipside, though, Jamaica is a really poor country. The houses driving in to the resort broke my heart. This island really depends on tourism. There is a place near the end of the Sandals beach where there are street vendors. They're prohibited from selling their wares on the beach where the Sandals guest are, but they occasionally try to sneak in. They pester you, but it's because they're very poor and need the $$$.

Imposter?

I accidentally googled my login "JamionBroadway" as I was trying to login to facebook this morning and this was one of the first things that came up. Apparently I created a Flickr account way back when we went on our mission trip to Ukraine. This precious image was the only one that came up, and it leads me to believe that I wasn't the one who the picture belonged to since I'm pretty sure I didn't have a digital camera at the time, only cruddy disposable ones. This was probably of Brandon's doing. 

Look at that sweet baby!! Don't we look good with a baby? That little girl absolutely loved Brandon and tried to cling to his leg on his way out of the nursery. She had the most beautiful brown eyes! 

Also, there's someone else with that username on ebay. I don't use the same username for everything, but I was creeped out when I saw all of these ebay transactions on google. I investigated further and found that this other Jami or whatever has a similar preference in makeup based on their transactions. Honestly, I was feeling for a second like someone had hacked me and used my paypal, but I just think it's merely coincidence.  

Strange. JamionBroadway has been my AIM name/aol address since late 2002 or early 2003, my senior year of highschool.  It's not that common of a name. 

I'm thinking too much. 

In any event, I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed and leaving for Jamaica shortly. Please pray for our traveling mercies and that it'll be fun! Also, please pray for my mother, my aunt, my grandmother, and two great aunts as they're traveling back from their own cruise to Jamaica this morning. 

Jamaica

We're being picked up at 3:15 am to go to the airport. Our flight leaves at 5:30 am. Please pray for safe travel and relaxation. My heart has been heavier than I like to admit sometimes, so this will be a pleasant break for us. I have a feeling I will want to stay in Jamaica. :) 

Edit this life.

I've decided I want to do bigger and better things. I don't know exactly what that means for me, but I'm not really content with where I am in life. It's not to say that I am unhappy, but I just feel like I'm not living very courageously. I'm not taking risks in my relationships or growing myself. I've grown stagnant and, dare I say it? -- boring.  I'm twenty-five. Who is this boring, really? Really? I disappoint myself with my lack of zest.  There's not enough time left for me to be this boring! :) 

My days are monotonous and routine. I wake up at 6:00 (realistically, more like 6:55) and am into work at 8:00. I work until 5:00.  One day of the week, I have a chiropractic appointment. We talk, clean, eat, play around with our respective toys ( internet and playstation) and go to bed. Sometimes we run errands. We usually fall asleep to a movie or an old tv series.  All of our couple friends are in different cities, and we aren't involved enough in our church to know young couples there.  That needs to change.  We need friends in our stage of life. 

Fuddy-duds that are still rocking it. Those kind of friends. 

That being said . . .

I'm not saying I want to wake up tomorrow morning and climb a mountain or run a marathon (heck to the no) , but I just want tomorrow to be different. I want to be  open to new things. I want to be able to look beyond the socially awkward person that I can occasionally be and suddenly have the desire and the confidence to reach out and make friends. I'm always afraid of making new friends. While I know I'm likable, I surprise myself with the amount of dorkiness I have amassed in a mere twenty-five years. I didn't have the same childhood that most of my friends had, and I have a hard time relating. I view things from a skewed perspective, though I know there's beauty there, too. 

I guess I don't find myself that interesting. I know it helps if you're interesting. 

Here's to making myself interesting. I love stories, so bear with me as I do what Donald Miller did in his wonderful book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years  and rewrite my own.

Oh, and comment if you like. Blogging is so much more worthwhile when people read and respond. I sometimes don't want to write if I don't have an audience.  I know that's lame of me to admit, but we all want at least one person on the sidelines cheering us on. 

For now, I'll have to read up on how the successful bloggers out there gain their followers. Surely it's not by writing boring posts on how to improve your monotonous life. ;) 

Thankfully, we will be putting a break in the routine when we go to Jamaica on Friday! Excitement. ;) 

Cleaning ( boring)

My house is such a mess. I don't know how I'm going to pull it all together before we leave for Jamaica. Time is just really slipping through my fingers this week. I hate working a long day and coming home to a house that I have absolutely no desire to clean. Cleaning used to be fun. Now it's just very low on my list of priorities. I'm not exactly the kind of person who can do a project A-Z. I kind of deviate and get distracted along the way. If I'm cleaning, I simultaneously want to decorate. If I'm doing laundry, I want to clean out and reorganize every closet and every drawer along the way. It's frustrating. And I never want to mop. Mopping is of the devil. 

It's not a war zone, but I don't even know where to begin. I can't imagine how the people who had their homes trashed by the floods are feeling. I'm overwhelmed by a perpetual film of cat hair and dust, but it's nothing compared to those who are throwing their furniture out on the streets and trying to deal with insurance companies. It really puts it into perspective. At least I have a home. Cluttered or not, it's a roof over my head. 

One more load of laundry, and this girl's off to bed. :) Have a good night!

P.S. I'm still in love with my new blog layout. So classy! 

So, I just wanted to unveil my gorgeous new blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy with how it turned out, and I want to give a tremendous "thank you" to Katie over at Cleared for Takeoff. She has her own bloggy-prettifying business, Fancy Pants Designs. I think you should definitely check her out! She captured my inner literary dork without making me look like I had no life. Talent, I tell you, talent. She's amazingly wonderful at this and needs to be recognized. So you better recognize her skillz. :)

Don't you love it? I do.

The blog entry where I recommit myself to Weight Watchers.

Oh, heck no,  the scale didn't just say what I think it did. 

*whimper* 

I always, always, always do this. One week to Jamaica and screwed over on the whole "lose thirty lbs by Jamaica" thing. Granted, there was an unsuccessful pregnancy between my desire to lose weight and this trip. That complicated things. 

Holy hormones, I'm miserable. Why can't this be easy? Whine, whine, whine. 

Women aren't lying when they say losing baby weight is hard. I gained about 7 lbs in 7 weeks, and it's not budging!!! 

Jane Austen Festival- Louisville, KY

I am ecstatic to annouce that I and my lovely friend, Trina, will be in attendance at the Jane Austen Festival in Louisville, KY on July 10th.

Roadtrip.

Maybe a little too excited. If you knew my love for Jane, you'd understand. Or maybe you'd pat me on the head and call me "special".

It's only $10 admission! And a four course tea for $24! Sounds like my kind of party.

Also may get to meet my Jane Austen friend, Chelsey!

Yay!

Now, if I could only get Brandon to go in costume. There's a ball later that night. That's what we would call a trainwreck on the dance floor.

Painted bookcase.

I painted a bookcase my mother-in-law gave us today. It was sitting in our basement as a cat toy until I hoisted it into the driveway, laid it on a towel, and armed myself with a sample size can of Valspar teal blue and a paint brush. 

I am not a fabulous painter. I don't really pay attention to detail because my aim was to get it finished today, so don't look at it too closely. I kinda didn't paint the very bottom of the legs because my towel was bunched up around it. 

What did I do?

I wiped all sorts of cat hair and debris off of it. 

I quickly sanded it with a small hand sander and wiped off the grit. 

I sprayed it with a coat of primer and let it dry for about an hour. 

I painted it with one coat of the teal blue. That's pretty much all I HAD to work with, but you can get away with that when you prime. ;) 

This project took place between laundry loads and talking to Brandon as he laid out in the driveway. I like these kind of projects. :) 

What do you think? 

gripes.

I read a lot of books, and I read a lot of blogs. 

Sometimes I come across things that especially move me. 

About six years ago, I joined the Weight Watcher cult. It wasn't a bad thing; it was actually a really good thing for me. It made me more aware of the food I was packing away, convinced me to ditch regular soft drinks, and I even started liking exercise. In the beginning...

In its newness, Weight Watchers was a very exciting and easy program to follow. I simply looked at a chart to determine how many "points" I was given a day, ate foods that were within those point values, drank water, and dropped weight. It was glorious. It added a little bounce to my step. I, for once in my life, felt pretty and like I was taking control of my well-being. 

Well, a lot of my friends know the story. I became addicted to losing the weight. It was my drug, my sense of control. I turned into someone I didn't recognize, and I felt like my life was slowly slipping away. Staying within the points values turned into dividing my point values and trying to get through the day on less than you would feed a child. I felt empowered when I was that easily sustainable. I don't know. It messed with my mind. That eventually turned into me being hungry all the time because I wasn't receiving adequate nutrition. The catch was that I still had this hunger to lose the weight, and it outweighed my physical hunger. That turned into a battle with bulimia, something that I'm dealing with years later. Even though I've conquered the act itself, the heart issues still pop up from time to time. In the most unlikely of places. 

Of course, there were other factors than my weight that contributed to that whole scenario, but we're not going to talk about that today. We're going to talk about what the lack of self-esteem can do to you, what it can push you to do. It's not pretty. 

Sometimes it hits me really hard that I am still in this body that I despise half of the time. I know outward beauty is fleeting. I know that my worth is not determined by my looks, but sometimes knowing that is just not enough for me, and sometimes I'm defeated. 

There are days that I don't want to leave the house. I guess we could call this depression, if we want to get technical. On the flip side, there are days where I feel like I'm God's gift to earth. I don't know how or why, but sometimes this just happens. This surge of optimism surfaces where I'm like, "Oh, yeah, girl... you're looking good!" And then I see someone else who doesn't even have to try and looks better. When it comes down to it, it's really petty. And I end up feeling like an immature jerk because this stuff still weighs me down. 

I know that almost every single woman has gone through something like this at one point, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

I'm leaving to go to Jamaica in a little over a week, and I'm feeling so down about it. It's not that I'm not excited; it's just that I figured I would have lost some weight by now or that my outlook would have changed. I'm not doing anything differently, though, so why would it be new? 

Something that frustrates me is that I gained weight when I was pregnant. I know I was only pregnant for 7 weeks, but I still gained five or so lbs that just aren't going anywhere. It's not like five lbs is a big deal, but when you put it on top of the 20 lbs I gained after getting married, it just seems to add insult to injury. I feel like a big blimp waddling around, who can't even fit into her comfortable clothes anymore. It's embarrassing! I don't want to be seen. 

I know that sounds so melodramatic, but here's what I was reading that really rang true to me. I yanked this from Cheryl's Blog.

I thought this was so telling. I found some similarities and was a bit comforted. 

My extreme animosity towards my thighs

Last week I watched an episode of Intervention with a bulimic, Amy. While I was never a purger, I have been a compulsive over eater, emotional eater and binger and have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember(age 8 is when I started gaining and thus my battle began).

Anyone who has had an eating disorder could probably relate to a lot of what she said and/or was going through - the thoughts, the behaviors, the absolute feelings of despair, desperation, worthlessness and inadequacy. It's been a while since I have been at the low she described, but just listening to her, I was instantly in touch with those memories. She said:

"I am worthless, useless, ugly, fat, failure, unfriendly, unbubbly, stupid. I hate, hate, hate my fat f*ing self with such a huge hatred I can't explain it. How do I get away from me? How do I feel good? How do I stop this madness? There is such an anger boiling inside me I want to explode. F*ck you fatass. I am so fat and so ugly."

And she mentioned another thing we had in common:

"I know for certain I was always an anxious child... I had such early memories of just being so aware of myself. And I had never been content with just being Amy."

I was like that too - from such a young age. So self aware. So self conscious. So sensitive. I'm still like that.

Another point she made that stopped me dead in my tracks was this one:

"I was jealous of everyone. I compared myself to every single girl that walked by me... I turned my focus on trying to look good. If I wasn't popular, cool, funny, smart or vivacious like other girls my age I yearned desperately to be pretty. As if it would make up for everything else."

Oh dear god! I really couldn't have summed it up better myself! That has been my MO for as far back as I can remember - and I'm talking childhood, 3 years old, jealous of every other girl, comparing myself to every other girl/woman around me. Always doing anything I could to look and feel beautiful but never feeling good enough or pretty enough. And surprise: That is STILL ME! Desperately insecure. Wishing I looked different than I do. Examining every detail picking apart every tiny thing I find wrong. And I still compare myself to every single woman I see. In life, in print, on TV. I am still jealous of everyone.(And if you're wondering, Yes, this has been a huge issue and caused some ugly and memorable arguments in every relationship I've ever had.)

"I was eating my emotions. I was eating my sadness. Just drowning myself in food."

Me too, Amy. Me too. 

I think I watched the episode three times in a row. I couldn't believe how much I related to her and wondered why we had such a strong connection on the back end but I went the route of compulsive over-eater and she went the route of bulimic. Why were we so similar in our thought patterns but different in how it affected our food/body abuse? I'm not sure.

I was talking to a friend today and told him that I remember points in my life which, as I've mentioned here before, I seriously considered suicide. Obviously I was depressed but one of the biggest contributors of my depression and reasons I wanted to die was because of my weight, and more specifically, my legs. I hated my legs so much and worse than that - felt I could never do anything about them. I would never be able to make them look the way I wanted (so why bother trying to change them at all, right?)

I remember being self conscious of the size of my thighs as far back as nine years old. NINE. That's fourth grade. I remember three very specific things from that school year:
1) I remember changing into an outfit for a play or something and I wouldn't come out of the room where I changed because I was so embarrassed about how my legs looked in the outfit.
2) I remember during the daily Pledge of Allegiance, when we stood at our desks, looking at the size of the thighs of the girls in the row in front of me and comparing mine to theirs. I remember wishing desperately that mine were the size of theirs.
3) I remember a girl named Jessica Palumbo who owned these satiny/shiny pants she would occasionally wear to school. To me, they were "Sandy" pants (Olivia Newton John's character in Grease. I saw that movie in the theater when I was seven and I wanted to be her more than I can tell you). I was so insanely jealous of Jessica in those pants. I hated when she wore them. It ruined my whole day. I couldn't get anything done on the days she wore them because I was so consumed with jealousy.

And it only occurred to me just now, after reading that back to myself, what strange thinking/behavior that is for a nine year old, but it's how I felt and thought. If I hadn't lived it myself, I wouldn't believe that nine year olds thought that way. But I did.

And in 30 years, not much has changed. I still look at women's legs all the time - every day, every woman - constantly comparing myself to them, often wishing mine looked more like theirs - their length, their shape, their size, their skin. So I really have been comparing myself to other girls and women and drowning myself in self-loathing for not being good enough from an unbelievably young age. I realize how pointless and harmful this is to myself, but I don't know how to not do it.

And I think that explains why I gave up on myself so many times and actually considered suicide - I thought there was no hope for me (especially my legs) and that I was 'beyond repair'. So may times I gave up my attempts at weight loss because I thought "I'll never look the way I want to, so why bother?" And I contemplated suicide because I knew it would be easier to kill myself than to accept or change my legs.

This may sound pretty extreme if you've never hated yourself or your body with that kind of intensity, but I am guessing I am not alone in those thoughts. Of course I am glad I didn't kill myself and I'm here and I somehow managed to change my life - and my legs. But as far as I have come, I know I will never have the legs I want.

I guess I have to just work towards acceptance. I am more aware of it now and should probably make peace with myself. Because I no longer want to kill myself. But I do still wish I had someone else's legs.

I want, NAY, need, NAY, MUST HAVE Liberty of London lovelies.

First off, I am alive and the flood waters did not sweep me away. However, there are a lot of neighbors in Brentwood/Franklin/Bellevue/Spring Hill/Nashville that can't claim the same. Our thoughts and prayers are with those families as they're trying to pick up the pieces and move on. I can't imagine all of that damage without flood insurance and that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. This does make you stand back in awe of the power and majesty of our Creator, though. It's just mind-blowing. 

 Helping out would be a good thing. I think they're asking volunteers for clean up on our town square. My previous post will show the square submerged in water. Not pretty. :( 

But, like I said, mind-blowing evidence of God. 

What else is mind-blowing, but not nearly  of the same caliber? 

YOU'LL SEE. 

It's not very often that I go head over heels for a designer or brand or whatever. In fact, I'm not what one would call fashion conscious. Far from it. Very far. 

ANYHOW, I am absolutely in love with the Liberty of London line at Target. I've been drooling since this stuff hit the stores late-February/early March. I've been going back to Target religiously to see if any of the stuff has dropped to clearance.  I think that when it does, I'm going to be one crazy chick. By that, I mean there's going to be six or seven shopping bags and that I'll exhibit no control!!! 

This storage bin would make all my troubles disappear. And it would look cute in my new craft room/guest room/baby room in the making. I'm going to have a girl, so it's a nonissue. :) 

These little prep bowls are so cute! Do I need them for prepping anything? Nope. For one, they would match nothing in my kitchen, but they're darling. I'd put them on a shelf or something and just stare at them all day. The bright colors make me so thrilled with life!!!!!
And who knows, they could be the inspiration for when we move into a house of our very own. I'm having a bright kitchen. No questions asked. Bright, sunny, the opposite of my current kitchen. Dim, dark, boring, depressing. 

I am in love with this pillow. In LOVE.  And this one, too. PLEASE GO ON CLEARANCE RIGHT NOW! Actually, I would be content to have every single pillow from this collection because that would be so much fun. I don't know what I'd do! 

'

 Although none of the housewares are on clearance as of right now, I did have luck with some of the clothing from the line. You won't be able to wrap your minds around this, but I got one bathing suit and four dresses from this lovely, lovely, lovely clothing line for my trip to Jamaica for less than $100. It makes me want to have a fashion show, but you're not that lucky/unlucky. And the best part about all of this? They were 30%, and I was like a kid in a candy store.  There may or may not have been many frantic calls to Brandon as I tried to explain my need for these clothes. 

Whenever I go to Target or anywhere, for that matter, I hit up clearance sections first because there's just no reason to pay full price. No reason. I hate full price. Gimme yard sales, Goodwill, and a well-stocked clearance section. I'll be 100% content to dig around for some treasures while you other people drop $$$ on a few things.  Chalk it up to listening to Dave Ramsey or trolling through blogs or growing up as my mother's child. Just kidding. My mom is of the variety that shops for hours on end and comes back empty-handed. Not I! 

Treasures, treasures, and more treasures. It's just really a lot of fun.

I can drop $$$ and come back with a ton of things! I love it. 

Lebanon Town Square

That's just eerie. This is our town. 

Guest room/craft room/nursery in the making

Well, this really isn't what I would call impressive by any stretch of the imagination, but I was able to accomplish it in a few hours with no hassles, so it'll do for now.  I don't think it's going to be a permanent set up because I still want to paint a lot of stuff and move it around.  With the excessive rain, there wasn't really a possibility of me trying to get ou

t in the elements and buy paint and accessories. 

 Anyhow, at least I'll have a space to create. It'll be better than dragging everything out to the kitchen table. And the colors make me smile. 

I'm sorry for the blurry photos. I took the pictures on my phone. I am one of the few in the world without internet on my phone or a great camera, so this will simply have to do. '

Hope you can tell from the pictures that it's an improvement! :) 

Before: 

Messy, uninspired, cluttered. 

After: 

 I moved the bookshelf from the hallway into this room. On the top shelf is a picture of Brandon and I from my 23rd birthday. Those three buckets are from the dollar section in Target, and right now they're holding the only pieces of fabric I own! I bought fabric quarters to make no-sew rosettes. Hopefully, when I learn how to sew and get a sewing machine, my collection will grow.  That would be good, right? 

The second shelf is all Jane Austen or Pride and Prejudice variations, The Host by Stephenie Meyer, and Management for Dummies. 

The third shelf is the Twilight series and bibles. 

The fourth shelf is sheet music that I can't bear to throw out, even though you can't see it. Trust me, not that interesting. Arias for the soprano voice, showtunes. Collecting dust, but it's a part of me I don't want to part with. 

Oh, and there's the sign I made last night. I didn't have anymore of the dark scrapbook paper to correct my misjudgment, so I scribbled on that sign with a sharpie. Bad move. 

Well, here's the bed. Ignore the pillows. I'm going to recover them soon. And ignore the comforter. I really don't like it too much, but it was on sale at Target and I needed something to throw on the bed if we ever have overnight guests. The lamp is from IKEA and looks like every other IKEA lamp. I want to do some sort of window mistreatment, but I don't know where to begin. Anyhow, the point of this is that it looks MUCH better than it did, so no worries. :) The stuffed bear is the lone stuffed animal left from our dating relationship. I think it was the first thing that Brandon ever gave me. It says "Someone at Belmont University Loves You!" Yeah, I think that was the way he told me he loved me. . . I wish I could remember these things. 

I am giggling because this looks like such a teen girl's room. I guess it's the sherbet green and my lack of funds? 

\
I like to call this look " throwing everything on the desk to get it off the floor". Not really inspired, but at least a little more ordered. That gold frame isn't actually part of the mirror. The mirror is an old wooden one that's scuffed as all get out and needs painting, so I put the gold frame in front of it to hide the damage. I'm going to do something cuter on that wall, but I haven't blogstalked enough to get ideas.  Beneath the desk are my cans of spray paint and some candles. The little side table was bought at HomeGoods a few years ago and was originally the color green that's on the drawer. I decided to buy the Country Living distressing paint that Kimba at a Soft Place to Land was advertising last year and distress the snot out of it, but I never finished. I was undecided. . . so there it is, needing to be freshly painted. On the chair in the corner sits my barely used cricut. 

The calendar on the wall is for 2007 and was made with our wedding photographs as part of our package. 

So, here's a closer view of what's going on atop the desk. The lamp with the cherry blossoms is from IKEA. Brandon picked it up on business in Atlanta. It's made where you can shove anything into the base to prettify it. We had it in the den, but I stole it for my girly room. The vase is just filled up with Dollar Tree pink and green Christmas ornaments. I'll stick some flowers in one day to finish it, but I like the colors. The Starry Night print is from the Jersey Shore.  I've had it for five or six years and have never hanged it. The clear glass ornament is filled with strips of Sense and Sensibility. :) 

Hope you like my diddly little makeover. 

It was a good thing to do on this long, boring rainy day. 

Nella/Heather

It must be the weather that has me up this late. I'm in one of my hyper, creative states where the night is young and I won't get tired until 4am or so. It's bothersome, but it gives me time to think and catch up on my favorite blogs and attempt to revamp my guest room. 

My favorite blog right now, no questions asked, is Kelle Hampton's Enjoying the Small Things. Ever since being linked to this blog through a facebook friend, I have been in heaven reading about precious Lainey and Nella. I am continually inspired by reading this amazing  story, and I think my heart grows each time I see Nella and her sweet bunny smile.  How can you not be head over heels in love with this baby? 

When someone told me they read the story and thought the situation was pitiful, I was offended.

Pitiful: 1. Inspiring or deserving pity.

2. Arousing contemptuous pity, as through ineptitude or inadequacy. See Synonyms at pathetic.

3. Archaic Filled with pity or compassion.

I come to this from a unique angle, I guess. As a sibling of someone with special needs, I have baggage that I, at times, can't even understand. I feel loss and regret and guilt, guilt for being normal, guilt for having hands and feet that function, and a voice and eyes that see. And a mind. And a life. And a future, but I have never found the situation pitiful because I love her. 

It is very hard for me to sit and watch my sister, Heather. It is heartbreaking. I would give anything to be able to have a conversation with my sister and to have an opportunity to know what's in that mind. I haven't always been the best at loving my sister. I've been scared, ashamed, angry, embarrassed. I've hated my parents. I've hated my sister. I've wanted her to die so I wouldn't have to think about her. Because thinking about her, especially in depth, really hurts. She's a mystery. I'll never be able to wrap my mind around her, and it drives me to the brink of insanity. But then I realize that the best things in life are vastly misunderstood, and I'm comforted by the fact that I can't and won't know everything. 

I have to confront my inner rage and anxiety every time I think about my sister. I have to admit that I'm not all together. In these moments, I am aware of my selfishness and bitterness and the fierce, protective love that resides deep within my heart. My sister. In some respects, my BABY sister. And when I think about it that way, it makes me want to get in my car, drive through these flood waters, wake up my parents, and rock her to sleep or something. Or sing lullabies. Or just love on her. 

I don't think I would have the courage to do that, but just the same. . . 

And when I see these pictures of sweet, sweet Nella, I cry because it reminds me of Heather. Just as Nella is special, so is Heather. 

There is beauty in this that needs to be claimed. It is not pitiful. It is remarkable. Praise Jesus. 

Inspiration and Modpodge Nails/Claiming Beauty

You will be happy to know that inspiration has struck in the guest room. Is it still a mess? Oh boy, yes.  It looks like all the tornadoes that have been ripping through Tennessee today ripped through this  room, but at least I'm doing something in it. Even if it means I am creating more clutter and will be stressed out tomorrow. Even if it means the bedding that I bought last year on clearance at Target will no longer match. You know what that means? I get to hunt for new bedding at my favorite store ever, Ross. :) I love digging through piles and finding things for dirt cheap. It just screams fun. 

Hehe. So, I was in need of my ModPodge earlier this evening. I'm revamping the sign you saw before in the guest bedroom that said Naughty or Nice. I got it for $2.99 at Ross around Christmastime and thought I would hang it in my bathroom which is all pinks and greens. Well, that never happened. I tried to put it above our medicine cabinet and everything came crashing down, so it was shoved in the guest room until I picked it up tonight.  And let say that I am SO very happy I didn't spend any more than $2.99 on it! I am cursing myself for making such a haphazard purchase with no idea where to put it, but oh well. I was in this mood where I was just sign happy! I bought one that said Reindeer Crossing, too, but the people who priced the stuff at Ross stuck the label on the front and when I removed the label, the adhesive took the finish off. Not pretty. I took it back. 

I don't really know what I'm going to do with this piece of crap, but I'm slapping some scrapbook paper on it in hopes that the end result will be halfway decent. Anyhow, I had used my ModPodge last week making something else and had left it on the counter in the kitchen. When Brandon was putting things away, he thought it was something I used on my nails and put it in our linen closet in the bathroom. :) Crisis averted! 

I thought that was cute. I mean, it does look like I use ModPodge on my hands half the time. 

This image was yanked from modpodgerocks.blogspot.com, which I am now following. ;) I suggest you follow, too, if you want to become addicted to modpodge. 

Editing this post to add the sign which I threw together with my scrapbook paper, cricut, and modpodge. Please pretend that I know how to cut a straight line and forgive the wonky edges. I may cheat and go back later and add some more scrapbook paper to cover that green. Claim beauty. It means to make it yours wherever you find it. And beauty was found in the cricut machine this evening. I think I yanked the idea  from Rob Bell, but I think he said to claim truth? But truth is beauty and beauty is truth, so why not? 

I think I'm going to put it over the desk in the guest room and let it be my little mantra for creating things (otherwise known as stealing ideas from other crafty bloggers and passing them off as my own) . I don't know. If I have a little girl, I guess I could hang strips of ribbon from the back and have a hair bow hanger or something. I even thought about adding a tiny strip of plywood under it and getting hooks and making a coat rack or something, but that would be too many trips to Lowe's and I get overwhelmed in that store. Has this never been done before? No. Is it priceless art? Heck to the no. BUT, it was the first thing I sat down and cranked out with my cricut, and it occurred in less than fifteen minutes, so I am proud of my creation. Just imagine me saying "it's good!" like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty. I think Brandon can rest easy now. SOMETHING GOOD HAS COME OUT OF THE CRICUT. 

SIDE NOTE: 

 May I just add here that I am not the only one who sometimes lets something slip out when I'm playing the Wii? Brandon was trying to watch Netflix on it and the remote wasn't working, and lemme just say I heard some things coming from the next room that weren't pleasing to the ears. Brandon is hysterical when he gets mad at technology. It's like the creators of the Wii have a personal vendetta against him. I just laugh and sip on my eighth diet coke of the day like it's the most normal thing in the world. Meanwhile, he's on his eighth soapbox of the day. I think it's cute. He's like the gentlest person -ever- and technology just messes with him in ways that a person probably never could. ;) And that, folks, is why I love my marriage. It is so entertaining. And insightful. I can't wait to have a little boy and try to temper that, erm, temper. 

Musings and intention.

Okay, so this is going to be the second post of any merit on this blog, and I'm just not feeling it. It struck me that I don't really have anything interesting going on in this season of my life. I was talking about it with a friend, Andy, at work today. I grew a little bit depressed by it all. It seems like the last decade of my life has been punctuated by school, weddings, more school,  and retail. Retail is my safe home away from home when I don't know what to do with my life, my little segue into stay-at-home-mommyhood. While I'm not really complaining, sometimes I'm left wondering if there's more. And all I have to do is look here, here, and here to know there, in fact, is.  For now, my health insurance benefits are too good to let go of and Brandon is really enjoying and growing in his career. I'm just a supplementary provider, and I can deal with that. I don't think I was ever motivated to be a primary bread winner. My mind is more agreeably engaged by rearing children, but we'll get into that topic at a later date. ;) 

Anyhow, I have decided to try and give it a go at living intentionally. At setting some goals in place. I don't exactly know what they all  are yet, but I'm going to try to make some things happen this year. 

Here are just a few little things that I would like to accomplish. They may seem silly to you, but whatever. 

1) I would like to lose a little bit of weight before we start trying to get pregnant again. ( No children, one miscarriage.)  Weight has been somewhat of a struggle for me my entire life, and I've never been satisfied or even remotely satisfied by the way I look. I know that's sad, but it's the truth.  I don't exactly know the backstory. I could contribute it to a plethora of things said to me in my childhood or blame it on the fact that I just didn't know how to deal with growing up in a disabled sibling household, but no one's really to blame and the truth is, I'm a good twenty pounds over my healthy weight. I managed to lose a good deal of weight about five years ago with Weight Watchers, but it has steadily crept back up and, most of the time,  I can't find  the beautiful twenty-one year old Jami inside the frumpilicious twenty-five year old Jami.  Not to have a big head, but I think I had one good year of beauty. It just happened to be my 21st year. Haha! Maybe that's why the store is named Forever 21? 

Exhibit A: 

21 year old Jami (no make-up and radiantly twenty-one, because you just don't need makeup when you're wearing a tiara and a veil and are twenty lbs skinnier!) 

Exhibit B: 

Madame Frumpsalot and her merry man hands. 

2) I would like to drink more water.  I guess this falls into the category of losing weight, but it needs to have its own bullet point because I neglect it so much. I am not a huge fan of water. I imagined that I enjoyed the first time I did Weight Watchers. It was the magic ingredient that kept the numbers on the scale going down. And then I got cocky and replaced my water with Diet Coke. Hello there,  wonky metabolism. 

3) I would like to actually want to exercise. Right now, the idea just doesn't appeal to me. Sweating, hurting, limping, aching. . . I hate those words and don't want them to enter my vocabulary.  I had a one-week stretch back in 2008 where I thought I was going to get my crap together and be at the gym every morning at 5:30. I managed it for a week and then I got cramps and decided it was unbearable hell and that I would rather be chubby! Bad move. Especially because I have a 70% off Y membership through my employer. You think I would give a crap and want to go. No, I cherish my extra sleep! The funny thing is, I can seriously recall being more energized and happier with all the extra activity. 

4) I would like to get our guest bedroom taken care of. I do this room in phases. When we moved into this house two years ago, I made up my mind to turn that room into my princess-y retreat.  Well, for a year it housed boxes and stuff we didn't put away when we first moved in. Last year, I thought I was getting my act together and bought a Shabby Chic bedroom set off of Craig'slist.  I loved that set. It was to be the start of something wonderful. I was going to be a true DIYer like all of those women I blogstalk and actually  have something to show for it. ( Is it me, or do these women have the strength of superwoman? I mean, a whole house painted in a few days, a couch redone in a day? The list and my jealousy could go on and on and on. ) I would learn how to sew, reupholster, and was going to be like Centsational Girl and wave around my can of heirloom white spray paint like a goddess. Didn't happen. I bought all of these things on clearance with the intent of redoing them. I BEGGED my husband for a cricut so I could be creative and make signs like Amanda.  Guess what? The clearance purchases and the cricut machine are in that junky guest room with my ironing board and laundry baskets, collecting dust in an obscure corner next to the Shabby Chic desk that I bought off Craig'slist. I just cannot follow through when I want to be creative. It's a small miracle if I get a project finished. I don't even have the excuse of a baby or a busy social life or a hectic job. I just shift loyalties quicker than I thought possible. I'm like a player when it comes to my hobbies.  Ashamed is putting it mildly. I'm embarrassed that I dragged Brandon through these escapades and that I'm emerging empty handed. No cute creations, no princess-y retreat. Just some laundry baskets, an ironing board, cleaning supplies, and an unused bedroom set. Not pretty. Not remotely pretty. Junky. Terrifying. The thorn in my side. Wanna see? I couldn't stomach the whole room so I just took a picture of the desk. I wanna cry.  This is the only room in my house that I keep behind closed doors 100% of the time. It's too cute of a room for that. I need motivation! Wouldn't that green be adorable for a nursery? Oh, how do you like that lava lamp? $3.99 at Goodwill. 

4) Read more quality books. I don't mean Pride and Prejudice sequels and variations, though those are really my cup of tea. I mean substantial books like the kind my husband reads. History, politics, religion. 

5) Make time for the people I don't see often enough. That includes family. Because of the nature of my job, I generally hate hanging out with people. I'm the sort that needs downtime to recharge.  I just feel like I see people all of the time. The downside of this is that I miss out on really important relationships and a lot of stinking fun. There are so many missed opportunities in the moments where I decide that I am " too busy" to hang out. We all know I'm not busy when I'm composing this long of a blog post.  There are so many friends that I have forgotten about throughout the years, and I feel awkward going back and trying to renew the friendships now. 

6) Care about my hair.  I am hating on my hair right now. I am trying to grow it out because I'm getting tired of me with short hair. I thought short hair would be the answer to all of my problems because I really hate dealing with my hair. Well, it's short, and I'm finding it harder to enjoy. I don't know. It was a cute style last summer, and then I started going to Fantastic Sam's to save money for hubby's Dave Ramsey lifestyle change. Not so pleased by it now, but I'm determined to let it grow out. 

7) SNAIL MAIL. I want to bring it back. I love handwritten letters. 

8) Sing. I kind of lost interest in singing seriously my sopho-junior year of college.  I don't want to do anything epic, but I might make a small recording on garageband or something just to have around for posterity and those moments when I'm tipsy on life and maybe want to share my little side-talent of old with friends who won't scream at me for being off-key and pitchy. 

9) Cook.  Yeah, I don't really do that enough and have no excuse. Huge kitchen. Just no desire to haul out ingredients, make a mess, eat a ton, make more of a mess and have to clean it up day after day. 

10) Conquer cat hair. I bought a furminator off of amazon last weekend. I am humbled by this awesome creation.  I would post a picture of the actual hair removal tool, but I think the proof is sooo much better. (Side note: This is not my cat. I would die if that much cat hair was on my carpet. Die. ) 

 

11) Become a better blogger. I am erratic and don't know what to write half the time. I don't really understand the whole blog sponsorship thing. I'm pretty sure I don't want to have my blog in order to earn money, though later it might provide some useful compensation. I'm too shy to have a fan following, though a friends following would be quite nice. :)  That being said, my blog is soon to have a face-lift, thanks to the lovely Katie over at Cleared for Takeoff. I went to high school with this girl. Not only is she lovely, she's also hilarious, pretty stinking crafty, and a pro at blog layouts. She's also mama to a pretty cute little chick named Ellie.  I have been drooling over her blog designs  for a while and finally decided to shell out the cash for a revamp rather than pull my hair out trying to make something look cute, though I still love my header made by Trina. I know it's going to be awesome. I'm hoping it'll inspire me to blog more efficiently. I know I'll look forward to seeing the finished product on that layout. 

12) Go see more quality movies with Treen!! The Backup Plan was hysterical, and that's generally not my kind of movie. I especially loved the home birth. Wow. Not happening. 

Okay, so that was one directionless blog entry, but at least it was something. You're welcome for the shout-outs. :)