10w1d and feeling fabulous.

Dare I say it? The morning sickness has. . . passed???

I'm not counting this morning where I had morning sickness (only because my stomach was empty and I was gagging while brushing my teeth).

Anyhow, sudden burst of energy... and I feel spectacular. I got my second wind around 2:30 pm, and it hasn't really diminished. I was able to go swing by Kroger's on the way home from work, come home and make a pie (yes, a pie-- and notice I did not say "bake"--probably still incapable of THAT, hardyharhar), and now I'm CLEANING my house. I never thought I would see the day when I could do that again. 

Anyhow, I'm 10w1d, so I GUESS it makes sense. I'm hoping and praying that this isn't a bad sign. I've asked around and this is where most women start to feel better during their pregnancies and start to actually feel normal and enjoy things again. I mean, I actually wanted to socialize after work. I actually wanted to talk on the phone and see people. PEOPLE. People have annoyed me for weeks. This is amazing.

Of course, this is probably just some temporary pregnancy brain, and I'll get nauseous sometime later this evening when Brandon gets home from horticulture (snicker). 

It's amazing what a little normalcy can do for you. I seriously thought I was going to be like my mom and be nauseous for the entire twelve weeks of the first trimester and the next twelve weeks of the second! I have cheated genetics, bwahahaha...

This is the other side of pregnancy depression. It's called MANIA. 

Brightened!

So, to kill you with something sweet. . . 

I invite you to listen to what my sweet mother-in-law did today.

Knowing that I am most of the time too ill to do anything besides go to work and come home and sleep these days, she went out and did a quick grocery run for us! It was very humbling, and, at first, I was just a little bit miffed that someone else decided to do the shopping for us. (Whenever someone does something nice for me, I can't take it and have to think of other motives. Does she think I'm a bad wife? Am I so horrible that I can't walk through a grocery store without feeling nauseous? This, that, and the other...) 

Anyhow, just a little something that brightened my day. I'm learning to be gracious and trying to think of something nice to do for her when I'm not so miserable.  Why is it that everything feels like a monumental effort when you're pregnant? I can't just clean the house anymore. It has to sit there and get disgusting before I do anything about it.  And even then, I'm winded before I even stoop down to collect the cat hair in a dust pan.  And then I gag at the cat hair. 

So. . . now I'm dealing with the insomnia that happens after working an evening shift and pregnantly eating my way through our newly stocked pantry.

Oh, another thing that brightened this little day of mine. 

We found out that Brandon's cousin Ken and his wife Janet are pregnant and are expecting three days after us!!  Looks like our little peanut will have a ready playmate if all goes as hoped!! I'm so happy for them. I seriously can't wait to compare pregnancy stats with someone I kind of know instead of, well, the internet and all the crazy message boards I frequent. I'm going to have to stay off the message boards. They scare me.  As a result of reading posts, I think I'm having a miscarriage every other day. Just not good. 

Oh, and something pregnancy-related ( as if this whole message wasn't :P), I HATE DIET COKE MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE RIGHT NOW. HELL HATH FROZEN OVER, AND DEMONS ROMP OVER ALL THE LANDS.  

 

I guess that's good since I really don't need the aspartame, but sheesh. Never thought something I loved would taste like poop.

Confession: Moments When I'm Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Not to get all emo on you guys because I detest the term, but I seriously have moments

where I am rocked by fear concerning this pregnancy.

I hear this is typical after a pregnancy loss.

Don't get me wrong. More often than not, I'm ecstatic that I'm carrying a life inside of me.

But. . . I have dark moments and intense fears and panic sessions where I'm convinced that it's only a matter of days until I find out that something is terribly wrong. And that it's going to be termed "chromosomal abnormality" or "incompatible with life".

You would think that the detection of a baby and a healthy heartbeat would whisk away the fear of loss, but I saw a heartbeat last time. That was a living baby inside of me in April. That was my child. Sometimes I can deny what I feel about it; sometimes I cannot.

And while that was a natural miscarriage and I was aware of it, there are so many women who go through undetected miscarriages. These women see a healthy heartbeat one week and then when they go into their next appointment a month later, the baby has ceased to grow. This is called a fetal demise. I can't imagine how that feels, to have no outward signs that something's gone wrong. I still cling to my symptoms like a security blanket. Believe me, I get weepy really quickly if I'm not feeling anything over than crappy.

I have reasons to believe that this will be a healthy pregnancy that results in a living, healthy baby. I have fears that paralyze me and tell me that I should never believe that I can mother a healthy baby. It could have to do with my sister, I don't know.

Anyhow, I guess, for now, I should celebrate that I am 9w3d pregnant.

So, to this baby, I say. . . hang in there!! :)

frumpy dumpy lumpy

I am so sick. 

And I hate being so sick.

The plus side of this is that there's a little baby inside of me. 

The other plus side is that a marathon of Law and Order is on.

The downside is having a hangover-like headache and nausea all day. 

I am so fat.

And I hate being so fat. 

The plus side of this is that there's a baby inside of me. 

The downside is feeling like a beached whale.

I can't wait to be out of the first trimester when I'm not so nauseous and can make better food choices. When I'm nauseated, I go for the most random, fatty choices of food. It's stuff that I don't even like, just sounds good at the time. 

I'm going to try really hard this week to get some more fruits and veggies in. 

*sigh* 

 I feel so bad.

 

procrastination and pride and prejudice

I don't know what it is about Sundays here lately, but I always feel more awful come Sunday. It could be that Sunday means a new week for my pregnancy and that I'm experiencing the fun, new symptoms each week has to offer. . . anyhow. . . I feel hungover. And I've never been hungover to know what that feels like exactly, but nonetheless. 

So, what am I doing? Procrastinating. 

I swept pretty much all hardwood surfaces in the house and am now trying to talk myself into steam mopping. I really don't want to do a thing today. Again. 

Anyhow, I was putzing around on etsy earlier while waiting for the laundry to finish up and found this gem. 

It's a Pride and Prejudice baby onesie. 

And that's Mr. Darcy's proposal. . . <3

How cute would it be to have a little guy or gal crawling around with that on? LOL. An homage to the dorkdom of your parents, little one. 

Prenatal Visit Update

So, I basically had the best prenatal visit anyone could ask for. Thanks so much for the thoughts and prayers. I was understandably a bit nervous this time, so I am really thankful. 

ANYHOW. . . 

Here's the interesting part. 

:) 

I'm carrying a perfect little "bean" who measured 8w2d on the ultrasound. That's only two days off from what I initially calculated, so that's good. My official due date is March 28th. There was a heartbeat, loud and clear and detected by doppler, 164 bpm. 

Here are the tedious details that only a Mama would love. . .

When I was called back for my visit, I was immediately hugged by the nurse practitioner who recognized me from last time. She was so excited to see me back so soon and was super helpful in requesting the early ultrasound and getting everything set up. 

She weighed me, and I am shocked/ashamed to say that I have gained nine lbs since the miscarriage.  I know half of that's bloat and pregnancy, but STILL! She wasn't too concerned and said that as long as baby arrived safely, I wouldn't be in the dangerous weight zone until I gained, like, 80 or so lbs. Haha. Don't tempt me. I will gain that. I like to live on the edge. I know right now that I'm going to get BIG. My face, to me, already looks stretched out and pregnant. My nose is getting wider. Really. I see it. I already can't button my pants and have to wear a strap of elastic with buttons sewn into it. 

I am going to do Weight Watchers for nursing moms and hopefully get the rapid weight gain down. I hate the idea of watching what I eat while pregnant, but I don't want to be at risk for the gestational diabetes, you know? AND... I would like to be mobile and not be on recommended bed rest for being so, well, bulky. 

Anyhow, had the boring old pelvic exam and apparently am equipped to deliver the good old fashioned way when the time comes. *blush* 

I was then ushered down the hall to the lab and gave up the nine lbs I had gained in blood samples.  After that, I scheduled my next appointment for the 15th of September and went downstairs for my ultrasound....

AND THIS IS WHAT WE GOT. 

The baby is the white blob inside the whale shaped black hole. ;) 

 

The nurse practitioner also gave me a goodie bag of baby prep magazines, books, coupons, etc. It even had a tiny newborn diaper inside. Is this not amazingly cute? I know it will one day be filled with poop, but whatever. 

Last, but not least, is my first belly picture. LOL. I want to document this. I'm pretty sure it looks like chub and not pregnancy, but it was fun to take. Disregard messy bedroom. Air wasn't working, and I was sick. 

8w4d, appointment tomorrow!!

So, I got a call this morning from my OBGYN office reminding me of my appointment tomorrow morning at 9:30! As if I needed any reminders. . .

Anyhow, would you faithful readers pray for me tomorrow morning at 9:30 or so? I don't know if I'm going to be one of the lucky ones who gets an early ultrasound, (I'm hoping I can get one due to the miscarriage last time...) but I very badly want one!! I mean, we all need to know if this pregnancy's viable, right?

I know first prenatal visits usually include a comprehensive health history of both parents, blood draws, and a general exam. I would be stoked if I could see a heartbeat and a bean on top of that! Anyhow, Brandon might not be able to go with me because we're having a new air conditioning unit installed. I'm still not sure if I'm going to get my mother to go with me or go alone.

Anyhow, I don't have any of the same symptoms that I did with the last pregnancy. So far, so good! :) I am just so excited. I can't wait to meet the newest member of our little family!

LIFE, LOVE, and the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

I have met many people in my life who just radiate goodness and enthusiasm. 

I want to be one of those people. 

That's all I have right now. Yes, I realize it's two blog posts in one day. I have a lot of time to think today because I'm too sick to leave the house again. ( I went out briefly with my mom for lunch and a consignment store. ) I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not just pregnancy and that I'm really sick with a virus or something like that. No fun, but enough about that! 

So, for those of you who read these little posts of mine, do you have a memory of me bringing any sunshine to your life? I know that sounds horribly cliche. I guess I want to know if I am a good friend or if I'm someone you dread seeing. There are just some people that suck the life out of others, and I don't want to be that person. I want to be the encourager, the life-giving person. . . I want to love you guys like Jesus loved me, and sometimes I just fail and fail miserably. 

But, after spending a few hours with some good company last night, I am persuaded to treat this life as what it is, an adventure, a gift. I don't want to hang around and live some mediocre life, impeded by perfectionism and my lack of confidence. Sometimes you just have to be refreshed to see what's missing in your own life. And when you come across people who LOVE life, it's almost impossible not to love and be thankful for your own. 

I want to find beauty in the flaws, to LOVE this life. 

To make the most of the short time I have... 

Oh baby, baby...

Praises be! I have a long weekend. Which means. . . I'm googling baby stuff before I do anything remotely productive. 

 Anyone remember when I gushed over a baby dress two or three weeks ago? 

Well, I went on a mad google hunt and found it. SO VERY CUTE. I still want it. 

$44 

I want to find this in a consignment shop in a year. Seriously. Look at the kittens. Kittens! 

Remember when I was on amazon during my lunch break yesterday and stumbled upon this treasure? I'm embarrassed to say that one of these would be mighty handy.  According to reviews, this thing is wonderful! I am still intrigued as to how two full bottles can stay suspended in mid-air, but what do I know about life and physics? 

$28, a breast pump bustier 

Does not include breast pump, but hey! I can play with baby, clean house, or do my taxes all while wearing this contraption. Seriously. One woman vacuums while she does this. I think she's an overachiever, but hey. Whatever works and brings harmony to your life post-baby. . . 

Martha Stewart Alphabet Flash cards

Oh, and since I'm bombarding you guys with baby-this and baby-that, here's a pregnancy update. I AM 8 WEEKS ALONG! That means only a month to go before I'm out of the scary first trimester. And then there's only 6 more months before our lives are changed forever. Can't wait. 

So far, so good. I am feeling GROSSgrossGrOSs. 

I have had a difficult time drinking which leads to some pretty unsavory dehydration. Water is just gross. I cannot drink it. It makes me want to vomit now. Nonetheless, I have to. And it's a labor of love. And I am desperately trying to get as much of it in as I can. This was a different story last week. I was guzzling it like a champ. Now I have to have Sprite, juice, milk, other fluids to break it up. I always drink those before I attempt water, and when water's the only thing I have left, it's a major letdown. The only other thing that makes me as nauseous as water is the nasty Powerade Zero that Brandon bought me. It's just the vilest thing to ever touch your lips. GUH! 

I had my first "real" morning sickness yesterday. "Real" to me means hugging the porcelain god. It wasn't actually morning sickness because it happened late at night at Big River, no less, but I am so happy it finally happened. I returned to the table and could actually EAT, which is a lot better than pushing your food around and smiling through a queasy expression when you're company's looking at you strangely. I had been going through the misery that is nausea without relief, so that made all the difference. I felt truly pregnant. And when that lady gave me a sympathetic, "You're bulimic, aren't you?" smile in the bathroom, I felt like I should have given her a high five. It finally happened. I AM A MOMMY. Brandon said I should have smiled and asked, "Have you tried the flame-grilled meatloaf? That's what that was." 

Anyhow, I am trying to compose a grocery list, and nothing, absolutely nothing, sounds remotely tolerable today.

I want to make broccoli cheddar soup, but the smell of cooking broccoli does nothing for me. 

Anyhow, my first prenatal visit is Wednesday. I'll be closer to 9 weeks, so hopefully they'll perform some sort of ultrasound or doppler. I want to see/hear bunny's heartbeat and know that everything's okay. I'm sure it is, but anxiety is tearing me down in a major way. 

Thanks for reading! I'm off to sleep my way through this long weekend. 

of feathers and bubbles

Feeling very drained today. I don't really have anything major to report. We have guests coming to stay with us on Thursday night, so I managed to make the guest room look halfway decent tonight. Am going to try to return a feather comforter to Target tomorrow. . . followed the wash instructions, and out came a comforter with clumps of feathers all over the place! I don't know if you've ever washed a feather/goose down comforter, but when it emerges from the wash it smells like a nasty, smelly pile of mildew. The feathers? Well, they're just the nastiest thing ever. I can't even describe it. It could be chalked up to "pregnancy nose" and what not, but it's pretty gag worthy. 

I am wanting a change of scenery in the biggest way. I'm trying to be content, but it's so hard sometimes. I feel as if my existence is in this tiny bubble, and I'm desperately trying to prick the bubble to see the world outside of it.  In times like this, we're told we should be thankful to have a job. I can see the merit in that. Really. But sometimes I want to be more than my day-to-day/40 hours a week self.  It's very easy to get in a rut.  When you think about it, I've been doing the same thing for about a decade. 

A change would be fun! I just don't know what I would do. 

I have a drinking problem.

7w2d 

Feeling pretty yucky and dehydrated. My throat feels all lumpy and constricted, and water is making me gag. I don't think I've been drinking enough water the past couple of days. I'm not a big water drinker in general, so it's tough to get as much down as I need to.  I average about 64 or so ounces a day. I think that's enough for one person, not a person carrying a baby, so I need to step it up a notch as much as I hate it.  

The only comfort that I have right now is that there are moms out there who didn't even know they were pregnant until much further into their pregnancies and who didn't drink a lot of water because they didn't know they needed to.  I'm mentally beating myself up for child abuse over here. Seriously, I met a women in the store the other day who was five months before she knew she was expecting. To be that lucky woman who didn't agonize over the first trimester woes...

I stayed home from the early part of my shift, but I have to go in at four. I am not looking forward to it.  I actually wimped it out today and started crying when all I could do was dry heave. Lemme just say it's not my favorite thing.  Being nauseous with nowhere for the nausea to go is not fun.  I'm always fearful that I could be harming my baby, that baby doesn't have enough amniotic fluid to swim in, that he/she's limbs are going to be deformed because I wasn't the best water drinker, that baby is going to be underweight at birth because Mom forgot to eat she was feeling so cruddy...

I haven't had a fruit or vegetable this entire week.  I am not a model pregnant woman. I so wanted to be, but I didn't know how crazy your body can be!! 

It's enough to make you go insane. 

Pleading for a baby...

7 weeks today! OH BOY!

In just 10 weeks, if all goes as planned, I'll be finding out the sex of our baby! And in just a week and four days, I'll be having my first prenatal visit. I haven't had an ultrasound yet. I'm thinking of calling and booking one for next Friday just so we can make sure the pregnancy's viable. I don't know if I'm considered high risk or not, but hopefully someone out there will humor me. I'm really anxious to see a little peanut with a flash of a heartbeat.

I don't want to be "that woman" that's calling the obgyn all the time, but when you've had a miscarriage, you've kind of been through the wringer already and need some reassurance. This baby is so very much wanted. I've been pleading with God to keep things healthy. Pleading. You wouldn't think a miscarriage could happen twice in a row, especially when you're only twenty-five. But still...

This morning I woke up in tears, convinced that it wasn't going to happen for us. I don't know why! I just want to let go of the fears and have a baby! How naive was I to believe that things ended at the positive pregnancy test. Instead of agonizing over what symptoms I have, I agonize about the ones I don't have. . .

I just really need some peace right now.

I think going in for an ultrasound next week is exactly what I need. Although I've not been having the same symptoms as before that resulted in our miscarriage, the slightest things are of alarm.

Please pray for Baby Dragan! We want him/her so much!!

POSITIVELY MADDENING!

Those of you who know me in real life probably know that I'm often scatterbrained. 

I'm not forgetful, per se, but I am extremely scatterbrained. 

The pregnancy symptom that no one warned me about. . . 

Some people grow even more scatterbrained. 

This is the third time in three weeks that I have misplaced my cell phone. 

The first time, two weeks ago, I left my cell phone at the Cheese Cake Factory in Green Hills. 

A week ago,  I kept leaving my cell phone in my car!

Now my phone's been MIA since late last night when I called my mom on the way out of Kroger's. I remember letting her go while I was putting groceries in my backseat. Now I can't remember where I put the phone. I have a fear that I might have placed it on top of my car while opening the door. If so, I can only assume that I did not grab it. That would  mean that my phone's in pieces in the parking lot. I may have it somewhere in the hidden recesses of my car, but I didn't find it tonight, and I went rummaging through my car twice. 

I may have dropped it on the way to the door with my five grocery bags in tow. If so, it's somewhere in my jungle of a yard getting rained on!!

This is why I have the cheapest phone you can possibly get. I don't know why I've never tacked on an insurance plan. This stuff happens to me all of the time. I can only try to get better, but I AM SO MAD!! I hate it when I lose things, and it happens all the tiiiime. 

And of course I've made it better by going through the house and slamming every door and drawer shut in an attempt to find it. 

Sometimes you just have to make noise to find things. 

Anyhow. . . here's to hoping I find my phone and that Brandon doesn't wring my neck! He's not too happy with me, and I don't blame him. 

come mow my lawn?

So, I really need it to cool off outside. You should see our yard. Jungle just doesn't do it justice right now. It looks like we should be preparing to bale hay. I'm kind of embarrassed. I would get out there and mow, but it's 90 degrees, and heat stroke and pregnancy just don't mix. I married a Northern boy who's not accustomed to this kind of heat, so it's a real labor of love for him to get out there when it's this hot and do yard work. I kind of don't blame him, but the state of our yard right now just isn't pretty.  Our yard has no curb appeal right now. . . ew. 

I'm hoping we can both get out there tonight. I can weed-eat, and he can do the lawn. . . 

I don't know if that's safe. I guess I could ask my trusty pregnancy message boards. 

It's just hard to keep things up when you're feeling nauseous all the time and don't have the luxury of throwing up. I have the kind of nausea that lingers until you eat it away, and then it comes back with a vengeance because you're full from what you've eaten! I know I should be thanking my lucky stars for this, but it's just draining. I don't mean to complain. I really don't. I'm usually pretty good about keeping quiet and chugging along, but when I'm not doing something I absolutely have to do, I'm sleeping. . . and then when I'm awake, I'm moping around and wistfully wishing I had enough energy to clean! 

We have a couple of house guests who are coming and staying with us next week. Somewhere between this week and next, I have to muster some energy to go conquer the guest room and make it look presentable.  

Oh, on top of all of this, our air conditioning wasn't working this weekend, so we were out of the house for a few days staying the night at my in-laws'. That means the cats had free reign to go on the prowl while we were gone. I am amazed at the level of destruction sometimes. 

ANYHOW.... mid-morning nap time. . . 

I'm going to try and wake up around 1pm and do something awesome.