the post where I bemoan the effects of antidepressants

When a doctor tells you to not stop taking a pill cold turkey, believe the doctor. Let that be the preface to the nervous ranting that's about to take place. As the few of you who actually read my blog know, I've been taking Zoloft since Natalie was about four months old. Give or take, that's six months of a drug in my system. Let it be said that I am horrible when it comes to taking pills. The only exception was when I successfully remembered to take my prenatals throughout my pregnancy. I have more often than not remembered to take my Zoloft and have had great success on it. No weepiness, no extreme terror, no feelings of impending doom. I'm not really exaggerating; these were all real things I felt when I was being tossed through the emotions of postpartum depression. It is real. It is terrifying. Well, we want to get pregnant again. While my doctor has advised me it's safe to be on Zoloft while pregnant, I feel uneasy when I see all of the law firm commercials linking antidepressants and birth defects. I just don't feel right when I watch those. I want this out of my system. And... I had been trying to wean. Initially I was going every other day taking the pill, and then I got brave and decided to skip it two days in a row and then three. This is now day four. I'm up past midnight-- shaking. And what's worse? I can't, for the life of me, find my pills. I remember having them the other night and shaking them for Natalie like a rattle. I stayed at my mom's the other night because I worked a late shift. I'm thinking they're over there, but it doesn't help me right now. I have dug through my purse and diaper bag. I have gone through the medicine cabinet, knowing it's not there. I have paced and laughed out loud like a crazy person. I'm not liking this. Anyhow, there's got to be another way... I don't think I'll spiral into another deep depression because ,surely by now, my hormone's have settled, but I wasn't expecting the dizziness, confusion, and shaking! I have never truly felt withdrawal symptoms. And to make matters worse, we were watching the movie The Unknown with Liam Neeson where he loses his memory and is fighting to figure out who he is. It's nothing but confusion and flashbacks, and it's totally distorting my reality. Funny sidenote: Brandon fell asleep during the movie and bolted upright in bed and asked me why I knew him. Freaked me out. I asked him what he was talking about and he gave me a silly grin and went right back to sleep. Anyhow, I guess I'll get my refills tomorrow and hope for the best. This is weird. I thought I could do it on my own (foolishly), but there's a bit of a dependency here. Anyhow, thanks to anyone who read this messed up retelling of my side effects!