for all the geeks like me

I am quite easily one of the most awkward people you will probably ever come into contact with. This entry has pretty much written itself several times over in my head the past few years, but now I'm finally sitting down to write it.

Here's the thing. I hate running into old acquaintances when I'm out and about in public. It's not that I don't want to see said acquaintances and see how they're doing. No, it's always nice to catch up outside the world of facebook and social media, but it's crippling to me. Words get lost on the tip of my tongue, and this overwhelming shyness and loss of confidence creeps in, and then I say something totally random. I think it's because I've been reliant on keeping up with people by not actually having relationships (ie. facebook), so I've lost the ability to hold a decent conversation that's not punctuated by something awkward . The people in my current life know me to be the nutty, eccentric person that I am! The people from my past... well, I don't really know what they think of me, and it bothers me when I start to mull over the possibilities. I lose confidence in myself quickly these days. I'm embarrassed to admit that.

Anyhow, I guess shyness and social awkwardness doesn't end with high school or even college. For some of us unlucky ones, it can even follow us into adulthood! I don't know if it's a lack of exposure to people or what over these last few years or working in the degrading industry of retail, but I have suddenly, in my adult years, become very anxious when I'm around people I don't know or don't know very well or haven't seen in years. Again, it has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with me and my own perception of myself. I've run into so many people from my past lately! Today, I ran into someone who I didn't mind seeing again and who is very lovely, but I digress... it's always nicer to run into someone when you're not wearing a frumpy-too-big-for-you-maternity-top and have your hair done! (Guess which two things weren't quite on my side.) I always imagined that I'd be a blonde, size 2, gorgeous sex bomb by the time I ran into anyone from my past! Delusional, I think. And then there's the fact that blonde and my complexion don't mix. 'Nother story for another entry, friends.

Pete Wilson, our pastor at Cross Point, had a blog the other day about the way we hide behind and market ourselves through social media. We're one way to those around us, and then we have another distinct internet identity. I'm not talking internet predators or living lies, I'm just saying we want to be perceived differently from our reality. If we're showing pictures of our home, we normally clean it up to make it appear spotless. If we're tagged in unsightly pictures of ourselves on facebook, we automatically go through and remove the tag so we're not associated with the five double chins that so ungraciously appeared. (Since becoming pregnant, I've developed a fixation with my chins. Call it BDD or insanity. Whatever.) We want people to see the air-brushed shell of what we really are. At least, that's how I operate. I don't mean to include the entire population in this ramble. . . this is just me musing. And I can't help but feel like I am sometimes a letdown when you really get to see the true picture. Thanks, society! Or thanks, Jami's bad body image.

I just thank God that I was never one of those people who were bullied or traumatized because I would probably be always stuck in the past and watching my every move. I would always have an internal monologue going. We watched You Again tonight for Grace Group. (Not the best movie choice, but whatever...) I cringed the entire time and thanked God that most of my school experience was fun and care-free!

Anyhow, this was just a freebie for you. I know every single person out there has awkward moments from time to time. And it makes the moments awkward, not us. :)

Seriously. I am Ugly Betty!