Along with that, though, comes the fear and the tears. I was hoping that I would not experience the "baby blues" or, worse yet, some degree of postpartum depression, but I can't help but feel like I'm sinking into a rut every now and then. I think it's because I'm confined to our bedroom and to our pack-n-play. (That thing is magic, lemme tell you!) I'm still recovering from the c-section; that brings its own set of woes. I just don't feel like myself. For one, my appetite's not really back. While that could be a good thing, it just bums me out because my lack of energy with the sleepless nights is one thing. Add me not really taking care of myself, and that's another. When my mom's not over helping me out, it's hours before I get a meal. I'm not complaining. I really wanted to try this on my own. Anyhow, let's just say that I poured myself a bowl of cereal a couple of days ago and after a feeding, dirty diaper, wet diaper, sponge bath later-- I had a bowl of soggy cheerios on the nightstand and a screaming newborn-- time for another feeding! And then I didn't want the cheerios.
I really feel good when Brandon's here. It always means that a shower is guaranteed. And while he can't really help out in the feeding department when I'm trying to nurse, he's at least there to hold the baby so I can empty my bladder. ( It's not that I'm incapable of leaving her alone for a minute to use the bathroom; it's just that the sensation to go always comes right in the middle of trying to feed her.)
And that's another thing-- feeding her. I'm at a crossroads. I thought I was going to be a trooper and nurse her. I really want to. It's week in, though, and I'm ready to pull my hair out. With the c-section, my milk's been delayed. I hear it can delay also if you've become very swollen after surgery or an induction. That's me. My feet are still the size of major landmarks, and it's been over a week. Just don't get induced. That's my advice for now. Have that baby on the day God intended you to or just plan a c-section. Yikes. I haven't called any lactation consultants because I'm halfway embarrassed to. I let my poor daughter get dehydrated for a day because no one told me to supplement. And then I found out-- lactation consultants won't TELL you to supplement with formula because they don't think you need to. Basically, they think baby needs to be chained to your breast all day to up your supply. While that's nice and all,it's not very realistic if you ask me and only leads to major frustration and feelings of inadequacy. I haven't really tried pumping because I have only a manual hand pump that I was going to use when I went back to work, so I have to call tomorrow and see if I can rent an electric one. I still haven't given up, but I really want to. I'd feel a bit better. I'm taking some herbs to up the supply--fenugreek and blessed thistle... anyhow, enough about my boobs. I just REALLY wanted to do this for her. The benefits of breastfeeding...wow, when you read about it -- I don't know... just sound a bit better than formula. Not to diss formula, though, because it definitely has its merits when you're in a pinch and have a screaming child in your arms with a stomach the size of a continent and your child looks at you like you're stupid when you shove her against your chest. Seriously. My child cannot eat enough. It's like, hello grocery bill...wow, I'm tired.
And the sleepless nights... wow, they're miserable. I don't mind them because it's worth it when you look down into her sweet "let's play!" face at 2:00 and 3:00 and 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning, but it's beginning to catch up with the both of us, and poor Brandon still has to wake up and go to work in the mornings. I feel bad that he has to change a couple of diapers throughout the night, but I am so thankful for him! He is such a wonderful daddy, and he can calm her down in ways that I cannot. We call it "daddy magic". I'm fine with that. No hurt feelings here. :) Whatever stops the crying...
And,lastly, changed relationships. My mom and I, well, our relationship has only gotten better because I'm depending on her for help and advice and for sitting with the baby while I take a shower. At first I didn't know if I wanted her here, but she has been invaluable. She's helped me with laundry, cleaned my kitchen, mixed formula, vacuumed-- all sorts of things. I've loved having her around. I think she just needed to feel needed. My relationship with my in-laws, though, has been a bit strained? They've had family in this week and have been a bit tied up, but I think there's a little bit of feeling left out. In any event, it's too much for me to process along with the exhaustion, the newness, baby blues, and feeding troubles. I don't mean to hurt feelings AT ALL, but I just have to navigate through the basics of baby care and what it means to be a parent. Seriously, I think it will all be better once I figure out these feedings and kick the baby blues to the curb. Right now, though, like Natalie-- I just want my mama!
At any given moment, I will feel the tears coming on. It could be in the middle of a very happy moment. Any time. Without warning. It happens mostly when Natalie's screaming her head off because she's hungry, but it also happens when I'm holding her and smelling the top of her sweet newborn head. This feeling comes over me and shuts me down. I just cry. I cry because I don't know what I'm doing. I cry because I don't want to hurt her. I cry when I burp her because she's so small and pitiful-looking when I splay her little belly across my hand. I cry at how beautiful she is, and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother. I marvel at what God's given me, and I don't want to mess it up. I cry because there's a mountain of paperwork with insurance terminology that I don't understand. I cry when I watch those dateline specials about young girls being abused and mistreated because those girls are some mama's BABIES! I could go on for hours, and I'm getting the keyboard wet just typing this out... so, haha..
The first night that I was in the hospital alone was so hard. Brandon had to work on Monday, the day that I was to be discharged from the hospital, so he went home to sleep on Sunday night. My mom and grandma visited me around 7:00 and stayed until 8:20. I just didn't want to be alone. And then the nurses came in to give me my painkillers periodically, and I sat there alone... without my husband, without my new baby... I just felt so alone. I was watching that "Coming Home" show on Lifetime and crying my eyes out. And then I called the nursery to see if someone would bring in Natalie so I could just see her.. and yeah, then I started crying again because she's so beautiful, precious, wonderful, etc...
Anyhow, wasn't that a good bunch of hormones splashed across your computer screen?
Happier stuff to come, I promise...
Like... we just got Natalie's newborn pictures taken today! I cannot wait to see them!! :)
I would definitely encourage you to try the breast pump. Don't worry too much (maybe that's an impossible task for new moms), but your milk will arrive and you will have plenty of time to nurse. I'm glad to hear about your relationship with your mom. And I hope that your inlaws understand, I'm sure they do.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for letting me come see you!
Don't be discouraged. Being a new mama is different... it will take time for you to adjust on many levels. You seem to be doing great so far and it's a learning game with kids in general.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time... you can do it mama!
Becca, I have a thank you card that's been sitting on my dresser for a week or so. I ran out of stamps... I just didn't want you to think I was ungrateful for your sweet gift. I think yours is one in the pile. . . anyhow, thank you! And you'll get your card soon!
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