Help! I'm going to do something drastic!

My mother's scathing commentary of me, you just can't make stuff like that up. It's true what they say; real life is often stranger than fiction. 

Here's just a sampling of what was said to me yesterday.

My mom and I went over to my aunt's swimming pool for an hour or so yesterday and while walking through the living room, my mom saw a picture that my aunt had of me from, like, my freshman or sophomore year of high school. My mom noticed the picture first and without skipping a beat said, "We all had our ugly years."  I was struck silent by what she said and just took it, though there were a million things running through my head. I don't know where it came from. Why would she say something so hateful?  I had only looked at the picture when she brought attention to it, but I had kept my silence. I don't think anything moved across my face that would have told her that I shared her opinion. 

This is after my mom's helpful advice from last month on making sure I love my child no matter what he/she looks like. I'm not kidding. If my mom knows anything of you, and I do mean anything of my you, my  friends, relations, co-workers-- you better believe she has said something on your appearance, much to my horror.  If I tell her I've run into someone I used to know from high school, inevitably the first questions that spill from her lips are about appearances. " Is _____ still skinny, or did she gain weight? She was always pretty." This all comes from the woman who swears up and down that she is not concerned about her own weight or appearance. How can she be? Her thoughts are turned elsewhere, and she makes it quite obvious. 

"You should take care to look at the body types of Brandon's side of the family. You might have a child who has a body like ______!" I'm not kidding. 

If her unhealthy fixation dares to interfere with my future child's self-esteem and self-worth like it did mine, well . . . it's not going to be pretty. 

I hate to say it, but there will probably come a time in my adult life where, despite all the guilt and regret I feel about my sister and my mother having to put her life on hold for the sake of a handicapped child, I will have to sever the ties with her. As much as it hurts to come to this, my mom is not the sort of person who holds herself accountable to anything or anyone. In this regard, she has never been one to be corrected. 

It breaks my heart.  While I know I'm not grotesque or anything ( and what would it really matter if I even was?), aren't mothers supposed to find their own child beautiful? I don't know. I can find attractive, gorgeous  things about every single person I know. Beauty definitely comes from the inside and manifests itself outwardly in expressions, eyes, whatever. 

Maybe she feels that I'm so rotten inside that the outside is a perfect depiction of what's inside. Maybe that's why she's so outspoken. Who knows, really?