Fat Stats Week 2

What to say, what to say? 

Oh, I should perhaps post my fat stats. I find this to be particularly impressive, considering I don't think I've had any H2O this week and have generally been pretty lazy, save for some stressful moments here and there. I am down to 164.2. 

Not too shabby. I ate out a lot this week. And Andy brought amazing cookies to work, so I had to indulge a few times... 

But this is kind of a chance occurrence. With no real change to speak of, I'm sure my weight will buoy back up in a day or so. 

What else is new? 

Okay, so I'm also depressed. This is neither here nor there. Just saying. It's hard to pretend to be happy when you're clearly not. I don't know exactly what it is. Probably just an imbalance. I'm unfulfilled and stressed out all of the time. I don't even know what it means to be Jami. I've never liked myself all that much, so I've never been really comfortable in my own skin. I carry around my dysfunctional childhood like a security blanket. I'm considering the antidepressants route again. I don't want to dwell on this kind of stuff here. Look how happy a journal this is. Look how happy I look in the pictures, people. Obviously. . . 

 Before this journal turns into an emo wasteland, I should mention that this is a regular thing for me. I have been a little more vulnerable to my moods since the miscarriage, but this is still nothing new. I have come to the conclusion that I'm probably always going to be a trifle unhappy. And I'm not blind to the reason why; I haven't been transformed. I haven't laid it all out there to be restored. I'm a quarter of a century old, and I have been doing this crap for a good ten years-- at least. I've been comfortable in my pain or very content to at least run away from it. And every time I search for a way out, something happens that absolutely terrifies me. The part where I have to deal with my anger, my hurts, and resentment. The truth of the matter is-- I hate dealing with ugly, crazy, broken me. 

Anyhow, this is all very serious, and I do so hate to be serious here.