I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and I have to say that I
am desperately wanting to grow up. I think we all have our different ideas of what it means to be an adult. For me, it means cutting the ties with my mother and starting a new trend.
Notice that I did not say severing the relationship.
I have let my mother's unhealthy perception shape me for far too long. I have believed words that have fallen from her own wounded lips, allowing them to shape me and back me into some corner. I have agonized, whined, complained and blamed. I have been intimidated, baited, bullied, and begged. I am so tired.
I really can't and don't want to take it anymore.
I don't mean to sound selfish. I really don't. I love my mother so much. I don't think you can quite know love and resentment at the same time until you've dealt with something devastating like a handicap or terminal illness. There's this sort of unspoken sacrifice that takes place. In my case, it was never explained, always demanded and expected. I know my family was too stressed to pay attention to the smaller details of life.
I hate that I don't have a relationship with my mom. I hate it. I never thought I would be twenty-five and having issues with my mother, much worse than the ones that existed throughout high school. At least in high school it could be chalked up to puberty and wanting to be like everyone else. It wasn't to be expected for a teenage girl to get along with her mother then.
This is so much bigger. This is almost disabling to me.
I am the kind of person who loves and feels deeply.
I want a friendship with my mom. I want to laugh and talk with her without there being shadows of the past lingering around the room. I want her to look me in the eyes and see me, not who she wanted me to be that I couldn't live up to.
I want to be able to speak plainly to her without second guessing myself or buckling as soon as she opens her mouth and states her opinion.
I want her to accept it when I decline an invitation, not hound me for days about it and make our relationship seem like an obligation.
I want the confidence that she never once instilled in me.
I want for her to treat her grandchildren differently than she treated me.
Old habits die hard, and I am still treated the same way I was when the wounds in my heart were created.
I don't mean to be melodramatic, but my heart literally burns in my chest when I see my mom. It's like everything constricts and I can't breathe.
I'm in a panic, and I just wait for our time together to pass until I can exhale and be Jami again.
It's not that I don't love her. . . I just want to "be" for a while.
I want to find out who I am outside of her. I don't want to be afraid of my own potential or not living up to her standards.
I know this seems so cliche. A daughter having problems with her mother? Who would have thought?
Wanna know the sad part about this? I don't confide in my mother how I feel. She only gets smiling, unfeeling me. Pretty unfair to her, right?
I think so, too.
I can totally relate to this. Seriously. Especially the part about not confiding in your mom about how you really feel. My mom only sees the happy part of me and sometimes it's fake. It's sad because I can't tell my mom everything about my life because of my fear of her criticism. That eats at me almost every single day. I've tried to get the courage to confide in her about every detail of my life because I want to so much, but I can't. She just doesn't accept things very easily and I can't take her criticism or negativity.
ReplyDeleteSo, right now, all that I can do is let her see the happy side of me and hope that one day I will be able to confide in her and feel accepted by her.
I too grew up with a disabled person in my immediate family, although in my case it's a mentally disabled thing, my dad has schizophrenia. However, he's on medication and I normally am not around for the side effects, but let's just say that when I was a kid, he was no on medication and well, it was tough.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I would say that the best thing to do is just tell your mother how you feel. I realize it's been many years, but you both need to heal your relationship and in order to do that, you have to get rid of all the crap involving it. One of the reasons I have a good relationship with my mother is that I once talked with her about something she had said that upset me, I feel like it made her realize I wasn't just her child anymore, but growing up into a woman. However, there are some things my mother will never know about me simply because I am afraid to let her know my yucky side sometimes.
Thanks for your comments, guys!
ReplyDeleteWhen I confess my feelings to my mom, she usually retorts with something along the lines of, "Well, I don't know why you're feeling that. That's not how I meant it." At that point, I usually shut down and try to deny my feelings or convince myself that I'm wrong or have absolutely no right to feel that way.
And then I create conflict with myself.
I don't know. . . we're going to see Eclipse tonight.
Needless to say, I'm happy that our attention will be directed elsewhere. I am preparing myself for my mom talking and whispering throughout the entire movie, so I don't know.
What should be a happy thing always leaves me wanting more.
My mom is not one who can easily be confronted. If ever something has hurt me, she has always been hurt more. I don't think she intentionally tries to one up me, but there's not much room for my feelings when she feels like hers are always the ones being hurt or trampled on.
I can't say that one thing hurts me in the present without a million things from the past making their way, some way or other, into the conversation.
And Becca, I never knew that about your dad. That must have been really tough.
It's not something I talk about much, mainly because I forget about it half the time and also because my family has always been the kind to not air the dirty laundry, if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI understand the whole sharing with you mom and her seeming to brush it off. It's very difficult to let someone know they are doing something that bothers you if they always insist that you shouldn't feel that way because they didn't mean to do whatever it is.
I'd suggest you read Boundaries and Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud if you haven't already. The Boundaries book might help you with your mom and the other one might help with the other parts. I know Dr. Henry Cloud has a video about working through issues and he definitely says that (in your case), before you can heal from everything, your mom would have to stop justifying her behavior and just listen, without trying to fix everything or deny it is her fault. I mean, we hurt people and whether or not we meant to, that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Anyways, I'll step off the advice giving box because I really should take my own advice, but I'd rather just deal with what I have than try to fix a lot of damage. sigh.
I have read a little bit of Cloud and Townsend, and my mom just doesn't respect any sort of boundary. Or maybe I'm too weak-willed to enforce the boundaries beyond the initial threat of boundary. I am the type who I could see being in an abusive relationship. ( Haha, I know this is somewhat of an abusive relationship, but I mean the other kind.) I would rather have the comfort of having a relationship, no matter how bad, instead of not having one at all.
ReplyDeleteThey also have a book called the Mom Factor. That one gives me comfort sometimes, but I haven't gotten past reading about all of the different kinds of moms.
I HATE to confront people, so I have a feeling this might be my biggest risk ever one day. I need to do it before children come on the scene, though. I don't want to involve getting my kids involved in something so potentially hurtful. And I would rather my kids have both grandmothers someday, so... yeah. I hate it, though.
It's just hard to confront people in general, especially if they make you feel bad for letting them know your feelings. I hate it as well, and like you, I'd rather deal with the relationship as it is rather than try to confront the bothersome issues.
ReplyDeleteOh well, every family has its drama, we are human, after all. I have SO many stories (I have a huge family) but alas, another day. :)