Confession: Moments When I'm Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Not to get all emo on you guys because I detest the term, but I seriously have moments

where I am rocked by fear concerning this pregnancy.

I hear this is typical after a pregnancy loss.

Don't get me wrong. More often than not, I'm ecstatic that I'm carrying a life inside of me.

But. . . I have dark moments and intense fears and panic sessions where I'm convinced that it's only a matter of days until I find out that something is terribly wrong. And that it's going to be termed "chromosomal abnormality" or "incompatible with life".

You would think that the detection of a baby and a healthy heartbeat would whisk away the fear of loss, but I saw a heartbeat last time. That was a living baby inside of me in April. That was my child. Sometimes I can deny what I feel about it; sometimes I cannot.

And while that was a natural miscarriage and I was aware of it, there are so many women who go through undetected miscarriages. These women see a healthy heartbeat one week and then when they go into their next appointment a month later, the baby has ceased to grow. This is called a fetal demise. I can't imagine how that feels, to have no outward signs that something's gone wrong. I still cling to my symptoms like a security blanket. Believe me, I get weepy really quickly if I'm not feeling anything over than crappy.

I have reasons to believe that this will be a healthy pregnancy that results in a living, healthy baby. I have fears that paralyze me and tell me that I should never believe that I can mother a healthy baby. It could have to do with my sister, I don't know.

Anyhow, I guess, for now, I should celebrate that I am 9w3d pregnant.

So, to this baby, I say. . . hang in there!! :)